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"Reno 911" Deputy Gives Paris Prison Pointers Too!

5/19/2007 4:09 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF

On the low slung heels of Candy Spelling's open letter to Paris Hilton, "Reno 911's" Deputy Clementime Johnson (played by Wendi McLendon Covey) has gotten into the incarcerated heiress advice game, issuing her own tips for helping "someone named Paris Hilton" survive the clink!

To Paris:

"I've recently been asked to give "Survival in the Slammer" tips to someone named Paris Hilton. I'm not sure who this is ... is she related to Lawrence Hilton Jacobs from "Welcome Back Kotter?" I guess it doesn't matter.

It's important to remember that a cavity search has nothing to do with your teeth. However, a "lady" will be looking in your various nooks and crannies for contraband (drugs, weapons, etc.) That doesn't mean you can't keep other things in your cavities like candy or shampoo, but contraband will be confiscated. This procedure will not be videotaped unless you specifically request it.

Since you'll be staying in the "Special Needs Section" of the prison (and I'm not sure if this means you're important or retarded), think of your cell as a special VIP club that only you can get into. Maybe Red Bull will sponsor it!

Getting out of jail is like getting out of a full body cast; it feels great, but you'll be stinky and hairy when you emerge. It's not uncommon for women getting out of prison to leave with a full goatee and unibrow, not to mention a "shag carpet." Some nice inmate will probably offer to play beauty salon with you and give you a Brazilian bikini wax, but trust me, you won't like the results.

Oh! And when the guards give you attitude, put them in their place by reminding them that your taxes pay their salary, so technically you're their boss. Believe me -- public servants never get sick of hearing that! I know I don't.

That is all.

Have a Clemtastic time!

Deputy Clementine Johnson
Reno 911!

(as portrayed by actress Wendi McLendon Covey)

43 COMMENTS

No Avatar
16.

Parents Need to Know    

Paris honey - we lookin forward to meeting your acquaintance - we will make it as pleasant as we can, but you have to understand that me, Bertha, has never seen such a skinny, white girl before with so much class, I mean I just might get too turned on when you call me the "N" word, I won't be able to control myself. Being the compassionate "white girl" that you are, I'm sure you'll understand!

With your intelligence and having graduated with honors from "Hooked on Phonics", I know you will have patience and understanding with Butch, she is really a good guy, you know sort of like the guys that used to date your girlfriends! Now Butch, had just a boring "mundane" life, until he (whoops I meant to say, she), was diagnosed as being mentally fragile after she took an axe to her Mommy Dearest, ( who had only tried to help her out in court by disrespecting the Judge and Court Officials - we sure hope you bring that autograph your momma was so desperately seeking in court). If you can't bring that, could you bring Butch a copy of that sex tape that made you famous? It would really perk up Butch's spirit if you could show her those moves, you two cold practice together.

Now BOHICA here, she's just downright mean. She'll be one of the first of the guys you get to meet. I think you need to know, she's very tempermental and will do things over & over again until she gets it just right. I'll let you in on a little secret - bring Vaseline, lots & lots of Vaseline cause BOHICA is in charge of the full cavity search here, and she is working on getting it just right - if she gets it right, she will have her sentence reduced by
2 years, so she's counting on you to be very cooperative, you're her idol, her American Princess.

Thanks Paris, we can't wait to meet you!

You're new BFF's - we're HOT!

2609 days ago
17.

recovery101Fan    

Paris can turn her stay into a reality show and donate the money to childrens' organizations. That should redeem her image a bit.

2609 days ago
18.

Parents Need to Know    

TV Watcher

This would be wonderful if this would happen, but I seriously doubt it.

What money is Parisites - stays with Parasite!

She is the Poster Child for the "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME" generation

2609 days ago
19.

They about to get paid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    

17 DAYS UNTIL PARIS GOES TO JAIL,DONT SKIP,BECAUSE,THE DOG WILL FIND YOU,AND SPRAY MACE IN YOUR FACE,I WILL WRITE YOU LETTERS SO YOU WONTGET BORED,AND BUBBA WILL SERVE YOU UP SO YOU WONT GET BORED,REMEMBER THE BRIGHT SIDE,ITS ONLY 45 DAYS

2609 days ago
20.

dreamyvelvet    

Ok...now that special "tips" for Paris was funny as hell. Jail...not funny. Paris....stop blaming your mouth piece for your not "realizing" you were breaking the law. I wish they would throw her in the general population. Then she would really have something to talk about at the latest and greatest watering hole LOL....did anyone see South Park with Paris and the Pineapple...I believe she IS ready for that nook and cranny search ^_~

2609 days ago
21.

who cares?    

hope she gets caught masterbateing with a night sick

2609 days ago
22.

intellegent    

Relax, She will do her time in jail and start over ,hopefully to be a better person. She is not perfect .

2609 days ago
23.

PUBLIC SAFETY IS AT STAKE    

She was apparently in "Special Needs" (i.e., SLOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW) classes in High School, and had to drop because she couldn't even cut it THERE!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL -- *Whew* -- That's as funny as hell ....

2609 days ago
24.

PUBLIC SAFETY IS AT STAKE    

'Softcore Kathy' apparently maintains Parasite is "eccentric" and "misunderstood".... Uh-huh.

2609 days ago
25.

annanicolestern    



hey Paris, can i have your blue contact lenses while you're in the hoosgow?

dumb betch. and i do mean betch. not beeotch. betch.

ok, lata!~

2609 days ago
26.

3.14    

RoflmaooooooooooooooOoOo
HA- HA

2609 days ago
27.

Toni    

LOVE THE LETTER AND I LOVE RENO 911!!

2609 days ago
28.

Valerie    

lol!! Love the letter. I was on the floor for the "Special Needs Section" part

2609 days ago
29.

karen    

I am actually the REAL Clemmy, and I have a problem with how I'm quoted here in my Paris Hilton advice (and DUH, of course I know who she is! She's freakin' hot). The two correct quotes TMZ got right are:

"...you'll be staying in the special needs section...(and I'm not sure if this means that you're important or retarded)"

and:

"Getting out of jail is like getting out of a full body cast; it feels great but you'll be stinky and hairy when you emerge." ('Emerge'? I'm pretty sure I said, i said 'get the hell out.'')

2609 days ago
30.

el_stallion_69    

It's going to be funny when Paris comes out of jail all yoked out with some jail house tats and a couple of hits under her belt.

2609 days ago
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