TMZ

Our TV Shows

Got a Tip?

Call TMZ at (888) 847-9869 or Click Here

"Reno 911" Deputy Gives Paris Prison Pointers Too!

5/19/2007 4:09 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF

On the low slung heels of Candy Spelling's open letter to Paris Hilton, "Reno 911's" Deputy Clementime Johnson (played by Wendi McLendon Covey) has gotten into the incarcerated heiress advice game, issuing her own tips for helping "someone named Paris Hilton" survive the clink!

To Paris:

"I've recently been asked to give "Survival in the Slammer" tips to someone named Paris Hilton. I'm not sure who this is ... is she related to Lawrence Hilton Jacobs from "Welcome Back Kotter?" I guess it doesn't matter.

It's important to remember that a cavity search has nothing to do with your teeth. However, a "lady" will be looking in your various nooks and crannies for contraband (drugs, weapons, etc.) That doesn't mean you can't keep other things in your cavities like candy or shampoo, but contraband will be confiscated. This procedure will not be videotaped unless you specifically request it.

Since you'll be staying in the "Special Needs Section" of the prison (and I'm not sure if this means you're important or retarded), think of your cell as a special VIP club that only you can get into. Maybe Red Bull will sponsor it!

Getting out of jail is like getting out of a full body cast; it feels great, but you'll be stinky and hairy when you emerge. It's not uncommon for women getting out of prison to leave with a full goatee and unibrow, not to mention a "shag carpet." Some nice inmate will probably offer to play beauty salon with you and give you a Brazilian bikini wax, but trust me, you won't like the results.

Oh! And when the guards give you attitude, put them in their place by reminding them that your taxes pay their salary, so technically you're their boss. Believe me -- public servants never get sick of hearing that! I know I don't.

That is all.

Have a Clemtastic time!

Deputy Clementine Johnson
Reno 911!

(as portrayed by actress Wendi McLendon Covey)

43 COMMENTS

No Avatar
31.

Stacy    

She gets 2 weeks cut off of her already reduced sentence in less than 2 weeks for good behavior?? Hell, we have more than 3 weeks until June 4th, maybe she'll be up for Sainthood by then.

2631 days ago
32.

angel    

THAT LETTER IS TOTALLY A GUT BUSTER!!!!!!!!!


PARIS WITH A UNIBROW!!!! I HOPE THE CAMERAS CATCH THAT!

NOW, THAT'S HOT!!!!!!

2631 days ago
33.

angel    

PARIS,

IT IS OBVIOUS PEOPLE CANNOT STAND YOU!!!!!!!

IF YOU WERE TO CHANGE YOUR IMAGE, AND NOT STRUT AROUND LIKE YOU WERE A BIG DEAL, THEN MAYBE PEOPLE COULD THINK YOU WERE A NICE PERSON. ALSO, GET RID OF THE CROWN!!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU ARE AS BAD AS THE PRINCE, CLAIMING TO BE ANNA NICOLE'S BABY'S FATHER.

YOU STRUT AROUND LOOKING DOWN AT PEOPLE, THINKING YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER, AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU PEASANTS.

YOU MADE YOUR OWN IMAGE, AND IT IS OBVIOUS THROUGH ALL THIS YOU NOW KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY SAYING ABOUT YOU.

YOU SAY YOU DO NOT CARE, AND PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW YOU....WHAT IS THERE TO KNOW?
YOU ARE SHALLOW, ARROGANT, EGOCENTRIC, ( IF YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS), AND SELFISH. YOU ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO SHOWCASE YOURSELF, WHERE YOU THINK YOU WILL GAIN THE MOST.


WAS THIS EXPERIENCE AN EYE OPENER FOR YOU?

NOW, YOU REALLY KNOW HOW YOU ARE PERCEIVED! NO AMOUNT OF MONEY WILL CHANGE THAT!!!


I HOPE YOU DO WELL IN JAIL- I AM SURE STRUTTING AROUND IN YOUR STRIPED JUMPSUIT AND FLIP FLOPS MAY CAUSE A FASHION TREND!

BE OPTIMISTIC WHILE BEHIND BARS, AND PRAY THAT YOU DO NOT GROW A GOATEE OR UNIBROW!

2631 days ago
34.

White Rabbit    

Ingenious, and damned funny too boot -- Go, Clementine, go!

2631 days ago
35.

Nance    

I hope some one gives her a Tampon..........LMAO

2631 days ago
36.

marita777    

Well well well, what's going on here then?

Dep clementine johnson is just another malicious woman I've encountered during my time on the web today. Why are you so consumed with hate and jealousy, and finally what did Paris Hilton do to you?

You know Paris Hilton is an attractive heiress with a great figure, lovely long blonde hair, and a superb life to look forward to - and you?

I know what you bullies are like, and I want nothing to do with you, if this is how you treat a broken lady.

2631 days ago
37.

gwen    

TMZ readers are the best. Please help us save a show CBS has cancelled. Sign the petition to save Jericho..

http://www.petitiononline.com/mod_perl/signed.cgi?09272006

2631 days ago
38.

LAME    

Clementine's advise should at least be acknowledged by Paris - I thought that was very sound advise and should be taken seriously.

Another tid-bit: Paris if you are a party girl and drink every day - you WILL be introduced to DT's. Not much fun, but look on the bright side, you only have 23 days or less!

2631 days ago
39.

CMM    

So we still have people dumb enough to think everyone is jealous of Parasite Hilton? Someone please tellme what there is to be jealous of? And long blond hair? uh huh. Hate to tell you, Marita from the UK, but Paris' long blonde hair is FAKE, as is her blue eyes, her tan, her little baby voice and her personality (if you can call it that).

She is dumber than a box of rocks, totally irrespsonsible, spoiled, has no feelings for anyone other than herself, is a complete slut and now is going to jail. Yeah, dammit! I am jealous of that!

2631 days ago
40.

Linday Lohan is the most beautiful celebrity in Hollywood    

In fact the best of "Simple Life" was the comic presence of Nicole Richie because Paris is not even funny, she is all poses BUTTLESS, BREASTLESS, BRAINLESS. NICOLE RICHIE really runs the show, I want see what the show would be without Nicole. Paris is really a parasite. I hope somebody rape her bad ass in jail and i hope somebody spit on her food before she eats. Paris noose is fake made by plastic surgery and it looks bad.

2630 days ago
41.

Alicia    

Paris,
You damn well deserve all your getting now. I bet your parents are real proud of their Illiterate, dope head, slut daughter. You do not have friends, you never did. Money always bought you out of trouble and bought your friends. Money is the root of all evil. I have money. I am in no means suffering. But YOU are now. Enjoy. When you get out, you will be gay. And I do not mean happy!! Biotch!!! And that saying, "Your Hot", well, YOUR NOT!!!!!

2630 days ago
42.

SinCity    

"Since you'll be staying in the "Special Needs Section" of the prison (and I'm not sure if this means you're important or retarded)" LOL! I love Wendi McLendon Covey's sense of humor. Maybe the Prison Princess will actually read it....oh, that's right, she can't read. Well then, perhaps her lawyer can read it to her. Hope Parasite enjoys her random cavity searches --- GROSS!

But then again, for all we know, they'll give her the celebrity treatment and allow her to search herself on video...even more gross. :-(

2630 days ago
43.

Barb    

I live in Reno and just so everyone out there knows (just in case you've ever wondered) the show RENO 911 is an actual depiction of the Reno police department. You have to see it to believe it. The characters on Reno 911 actually appear more intelligent and certainly a lot more capable of doing their job. It is the ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

2629 days ago
Previous 15 Comments | 1 | 2 | 3

Around The Web