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Prisoner: I Impregnated Kate G. & Octomom

11/7/2009 11:30 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF

An Indiana prisoner claims his swimmers are responsible for Kate Gosselin's eight AND Octomom Nadya Suleman's latest litter ... and now he wants his supposed spawn to come live with him in lockdown.



In the most entertaining handwritten court papers you'll ever read, Jonathan Lee Riches -- who has filed many lawsuits against celebs in the past -- wants custody of the Gosselin kids, the Suleman kids, John Edwards' love child, all the kids on "ABC's 'All My Children'" and Bristol Palin's child "which Bristol kidnapped from Linda Tripp."

In the awesome papers, filed in Illinois, Riches claims he met Kate "at a Harrisburg Long John Silvers over octopuss" -- and when Kate went to a fertility clinic in 2002, his "sperm was added to the mix."

More awesome lines included in the papers:

-- "TLC stands for Torturing Little Children."

-- "Jon Gosselin is really a woman on steroids."

-- "I sued Black History Month."

There's much more awesomeness to be had ... JUST READ THE PAPERS.

48 COMMENTS

No Avatar
31.

Diane    

Hey- at least SOMEONE is trying to be a father to octoskanks kids!

1718 days ago
32.

R    

Can someone type up the paper he wrote? His handwriting is sloppy and the scanner quality is poor. K, thnx.

1718 days ago
33.

KOOKYPEDIA    

UNDERWEAR

Undergarments or underwear are clothes worn under other clothes, often next to the skin. They keep outer garments from being soiled by perspiration, urine, semen, feces, and other discharges; shape the body; and provide support for parts of it. In cold weather, long underwear sometimes is worn to provide additional warmth. Some undergarments are intended for erotic effect. Special types of undergarments have religious significance. Some items of clothing are designed as underwear, while others, such as T-shirts and certain types of shorts, are appropriate both as undergarments and as outer clothing. If made of suitable material, some undergarments can serve as nightwear or swimsuits.

Undergarments commonly worn by women today include brassieres and panties (also known as knickers), while men often wear briefs, boxer shorts, and boxer briefs. Items commonly worn by both sexes include T-shirts, sleeveless shirts (also called singlets), bikini underwear, thongs, and G-strings.

1718 days ago
34.

scissors    

Next to the story about that Italian bride that was responsible for crashing an airplane by accidentally throwing her flower bouquet into a planes engine, this is by far and away one of the best stories EVER! I sincerely hope that this man is granted custody of his children!

1718 days ago
35.

mimi    

LMAO

1718 days ago
36.

mlb    

I say give him back his kids!

1718 days ago
37.

Terry Joe    


" OH GOOD GRIEF TMZ, must we hear anymore on either of these moronic gone ballistic women ( Especially that dreadful Octo P U S S Y ladie ( er, tramp I mean ). I say, take their children away from BOTH, put them in a funtioning loving envoiroment, get that baloon man who made the home made helium filled U.F.O....place both in it, and let then go into the farther part of outter space, never to return to this earth again. Eck! Just when we thought we;d herard enough on this OCTO maniac lady, shes in the spot light again. Send her to Uranus and let her pole strip for aliens up there (she'd blend in very well with her fugly face).

1718 days ago
38.

mia    

The inmate is in Kentucky in a fed prison. He's getting out in March 2012. You can look him up on bop.gov.

1718 days ago
39.

dee    

TMZ - don't report this garbage so Mady and Cara can read it.

1718 days ago
40.

Denise    

Special Ed @ it again!!!

1718 days ago
41.

Denise    

Special Ed's @ it again!

1718 days ago
42.

wackadoodle    

I have found a new hero. My favorite writer up until today was John Irving. This guy has an amazingly fertile imagination. I was howling with laughter!

1718 days ago
43.

Andrew Morin    

This guy should right T.V shows. This is a lot funnier and more realistic then half the shows on right now.

1717 days ago
44.

Andrew Morin    

I love that he said his bodyguard was Kevin Costner.

1717 days ago
45.

Andib    

Octomom gave an interview in the IHOP parking lotto someone from NS forum on Saturday. Claims Oprah is trying to book her for a show and that she taped something for Jimmy Kimmel. She didn't mention anything about felonious sperm. Lying liar lying again or for real? http://tinyurl.com/yzru3ar

1716 days ago
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