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The 'Lost' Diary -- Ab Aeterno

3/24/2010 9:39 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF

LostWelcome back to another edition of The "Lost" Diary.

For all you "Lost" Diary newbies, here's how it goes: I gather with a group of friends watching "Lost," writing what happens on the show as it happens, and throwing in my two cents along the way. Tonight I am watching with my old boss Jeremy and his regular "Lost" crew.

LD history for you: I still cannot remember what possessed me to write the LD for the first time. But when I did, I came to work the next day and I showed it to Jeremy. He immediately loved it and said it had to go up on TMZ. And thus, the LD was born. Along the way I have had many supporters, but Jeremy was the first. Thanks man.

Let's roll ...

9:00 -- On a scale of 1-10, how excited am I for a Richard episode? About 117,762,895,120. And a half.

9:01 -- Jacob is recruiting Ilana (who appears to be having a rough day) to protect the six candidates. We're 60 seconds in and I am seriously beyond giddy. If there was a shrink anywhere nearby right now, I would immediately be prescribed Ritalin.

9:02 -- Richard's name is Richardus? That's like finding out the most badass character on the show was really named Ben Linus.

9:03 -- "We're not on an island. We're in hell." -- Richard

9:04 -- Is Richard going to team Not Locke? Poor choice, my friend. Poor choice.

9:06 -- "If it's any consolations, it's not exactly Locke." -- Ben

9:07 -- Hurley is speaking in Spanish to the air. I miss Crazy Hurley.

9:08 -- "You're saying this guy doesn't age? And how the hell do you think that happened?" -- Lupidus. TELL ME TELL ME TELL TELL TELL TELL ME!!!!

9:09 -- It's 1867 and Richard is riding through the forest like he's trying out for the cover of a romance novel -- or, as Jeremy put it, "This has turned into gay porn." His wife is not doing well. I have a feeling Jacob will help.

9:10 -- Now he's riding in the rain. This really is a romance novel cover shoot. The room is convinced we've accidentally changed channels and are instead watching a telenovela. Que lastima!

9:11 -- Richard and the doctor have had a slight disagreement. The kind where one of them dies.

9:13 -- RIP Isabella. We hardly knew ye.

9:15 -- "I'm afraid the devil awaits you in hell." -- Priest. Thanks, Father. Much obliged.

9:20 -- Looks like Richard might be getting a second chance ... on the Black Rock, perhaps?

9:21 -- "This man is now the property of Magnus Hanso. Hope you don't get seasick." -- Whitfield. Yup, here we go.

9:22 -- "The island is guarded by the devil." -- Random Spaniard.

9:23 -- Richard and the Random Spaniard are yelling for help. Something tells me they are going to want to stay right where they are.

9:24 -- Whitfield has started killing the slaves when, wait ... what is that? It's the Black Smoke Monster's call.

9:26 -- The Black Smoke spared Richard. I am going to assume Richard's first order of business is going to be finding a new pair of pants.

9:30 -- Richard is doing everything he can to free himself from the shackles ... to no avail.

9:31 -- Richard lost his nail fighting a boar. The only thing keeping this from being "Cast Away 2" is a volleyball.

9:32 -- Richard has gone mad and started talking to his dead wife. Good times.

9:33 -- Do you think the Black Smoke Monster speaks Spanish? Not sure.

9:34 -- Someone is waking Richard up. Jacob or Man in Black? I'm gonna go MIB.

9:35 -- "I was here long before your ship." -- MIB

9:36 -- Richard just made a deal with the devil. Sucks.

9:37 -- "You're going to have to kill the devil." -- MIB to Richard. Sounds like he wants to get Richard to kill Jacob ... much like he got Ben to do it.

9:41 -- Cross that mystery off the list -- the Black Rock smashed the statue. Good to know.

9:42 -- "If he speaks, it will already be too late." -- Hmm, that's what Dogen told Sayid about killing Not Locke. Is it possible MIB isn't really MIB yet?

9:44 -- "No, I am." -- MIB. Ok, maybe not.

9:45 -- Jacob just served up a can of whoop ass to Richard and a little bit of common sense -- if Richard knows his wife is dead, why is he going around looking for her?

9:46 -- "Did you meet a man in the jungle dressed in black?" -- Jacob

9:47 -- Jacob just baptized Richard in the waters of Lake.

9:52 -- Jacob brought the ship to the island.

9:53 -- Jacob is explaining to Richard that the island is what keeps evil in. I swear on all that is sacred, I had this exact conversation with the guy who cuts my hair just like four hours ago. I'll explain more later.

9:54 -- "When they get here, their past doesn't matter." -- Jacob

9:55 -- "You can be my representative." -- Jacob

9:55-- "I never want to die, I want to live forever." -- Richard

9:55 -- "Now that ... I can do." -- Jacob

9:56 -- "If you ever change your mind, and I mean ever, my offer still stands." -- MIB. So Richard thinks that offer still stands, huh?

9:57 -- If Richard digs up that cross before this episode ends, I am docking this episode a full grade.

9:58 -- Soooooo cheesy.

9:59 -- "I've changed my mind. I was wrong ... Does the offer still stand?!?!?" -- Richard

10:00 -- "Your wife sent me." -- Hurley

10:11 -- I think we've accidentally changed the channel and we're watching "Ghost."

10:02 -- "You have to stop the Man in Black. You have to stop him from leaving the island. Cause if you don't, we all go to hell." -- Hurley

10:03 -- I think every episode from now on should include a scene with Jacob and the MIB just chilling and talking about stuff. It's always interesting.

So here is the exact conversation I had with the guy who cuts my hair today. I realize this isn't earth shattering stuff, but I think tonight's episode confirmed it all.

Jacob's entire purpose is to keep the MIB from leaving the island. Ben, The Others, Richard ... all of it is designed to serve Jacob, to serve the island -- and to keep the MIB from leaving. I don't believe the island is special in and of itself -- it is special because it can contain the MIB.

If the MIB leaves, well just imagine the Black Smoke Monster running around the streets of Los Angeles. Not good.

I love the characters of Jacob and the MIB (Not Locke doesn't count. I like the actual MIB). Sucks we only get them in island flashbacks. We need more of them.

Anyway, I give tonight's episode a C+ -- docking it a full grade as promised for the overly dramatic digging up of the cross/"Ghost" re-enactment. That whole segment stood out like a sore thumb. It didn't vibe with the rest of the episode for me at all. Still an awesome ep and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

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