Kris Humphries to Ex-Assistant -- My Mom Didn't Steal Your Blender

Kris Humphries says claims made by his bitter ex-assistant in a recently filed lawsuit are about as real as he says his marriage to Kim Kardashian was ... i.e. bogus.

Kris is firing back in legal docs against a woman named Tracy Paradise who sued KH back in April. Tracy claimed she and Kris entered into a one-year contract, in which Kris agreed to pay her $75,000 (plus housing costs) in exchange for personal assistant services.

Problem is, Tracy says she worked for KH from February to September 2012, but was abruptly fired and never saw the rest of her cash.

She also says Kris' mom stole a bunch of items from her including a mountain bike, a Whistler's mug and a Magic Bullet blender. Random.

But Kris says Tracy got her facts wrong, claiming in docs, she was NEVER a contract employee and should ONLY get paid for hours clocked.

Second, he says he had a good reason for giving her the axe ... claiming she refused to relocate with him to New York. A pretty big deal breaker for a personal assistant.

As for the blender et al ... Kris says Tracy left the items behind in his Miami pad and there was a delay in returning them due to his busy travel schedule.