The Lohan family wants to wish you a Merry Christmas this year ... but not Dina, not Lindsay, not Ali or Cody ... just Michael Lohan, his fiancee Kate Major, and their 11-month-old love child.
It's only one of SEVERAL pseudo-celeb Christmas cards we've obtained this year -- including ones from ex-"Baywatch" star Jeremy Jackson and his wife, Justin Bieber's surgically-enhanced lookalike Toby Sheldon, Anthony Weiner's sexting partner Sydney Leathers ... and one especially terrifying card from Tan Mom.
Click through the gallery to see them all. They're fantastic!
Martha Stewart Throws
Holiday DISS at Gwyneth
45 minutes ago BY TMZ STAFF
Martha Stewart threw some shade on Gwyneth Paltrow when we asked which one of them is the queen of lifestyle. So, Martha's choice is clear ... who you got?
Plus, "Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson says he doesn't get why homosexual men aren't into vaginas more -- and that they're going to Hell. He's trying to backpedal now, but are you buying it?
- Charlie Sheen's Latest Breakup
- M. Jackson's Mom Needs $$$
- Justin Bieber Lies ... We Think
Paul Walker Crash
Cops Summon Porsche Experts from Germany
55 minutes ago BY TMZ STAFF
The Paul Walker death investigation has taken a new turn -- mechanical experts who work at Porsche in Germany are flying out to L.A. in an attempt to get to the bottom of what caused the fatal crash ... TMZ has learned.
Law enforcement sources tell us ... they want a full analysis of the Carrera GT, including brakes, engine and body. They also want the experts to help determine speed at the time of impact. Our sources say they're also interested in the tires, and at least one is available for analysis because it was not completely destroyed in the fire.
TMZ broke the story, the L.A. County Coroner determined Walker died from a combination of impact and flames.
The Porsche experts will be working with Sheriff investigators to make an attempt to determine a clear cause of the crash.
Phil from 'Duck Dynasty'
Rips Homosexuals ...
Man Ass Can't Compare to Vagina
12/18/2013 8:30 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
"Duck Dynasty" patriarch Phil Robertson is blasting gays ... and not in the usual Bible-thumping way -- instead he's going off about the benefits of vagina as compared to a man's a**hole.
Robertson went on a rant about religion, homosexuality, and a bunch of other things in an interview with GQ -- saying, "It seems like to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me."
He adds, "There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on dudes! But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man."
Phil continued his verbal attack by claiming society's become too accepting of sin. He says, "Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and those men ... they won't inherit the kingdom of God. It's not right."
So, we gotta ask ...
My Advisors Didn't Quit ...
We Broke Up
12/18/2013 8:00 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Charlie Sheen tells TMZ ... the people who guided his career have parted company with him NOT because they were fed up -- it was "mutual."
Charlie's lawyer, Jake Bloom, his publicist, Larry Solters and his manager, Mark Burg all said sayonara to Sheen last week.
Charlie tells TMZ ... there are explanations for all 3 departures.
-- Jake Bloom: Charlie says Jake was there to make movie deals for him, and since he's not doing any movies "his brilliant skill set wasn't required."
-- Larry Solters: Charlie says Larry is a music publicist who he hired at the start of "Anger Management." Charlie says he needed a TV publicist so he made a switch and hired TV veteran Jeff Ballard. Charlie does not explain why he hired Larry in the first place.
-- Mark Burg: Charlie says Mark asked to step down because he just had a kid and wanted to spend more time with his family.
Charlie then kind of backhandedly says, "I couldn't be more pleased with the current state of my team. Much like their fearless leader, they don't believe in excuses, fatigue or failure."
In Yo Face Gwyneth!
12/18/2013 5:34 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Martha Stewart threw some serious shade on wanna-be Gwyneth Paltrow ... scoffing at our photog's question ... Who's the better lifestyle coach?
Watch Martha blanche at the question, as if the conclusion is painfully obvious.
Her answer has merit -- Martha's run a major lifestyle company for decades. Gwyneth blogs a lot. Martha sells enough stuff to furnish a house. Gwyneth tells you where to buy things you can't afford.
And Martha's been to prison and knits a shawl.
Take that Gwyneth.
Pilot's Mayday Call
OUR PLANE'S ON FIRE!
12/18/2013 1:00 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Dwight Yoakam's plane was on fire ... IN THE AIR! That mayday call from the pilot triggered an emergency at Van Nuys Airport, where the runway was cleared and the fire department nervously waited.
Yoakam and 9 others were on board the twin-engine Hawker 800 jet over the weekend ... when the pilot called the tower to report an engine fire.
The plane landed safely ... turns out there was a lot of smoke but no fire.
Yoakam was on his way home after playing a small, private gig in a tiny village in Canada's Northwest Territories -- about 1,300 miles due North of Great Falls, MT.
The event was a 50th birthday party ... thrown by a woman who had more than enough to pay the country singer ... because she just won a $7.6 million dollar lottery jackpot.
In the end Dwight was lucky too ... his plane landed.
I Want Basketball
Not Crack As My Legacy
12/18/2013 12:50 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Lamar Odom can't be that torn up over his impending divorce, because he was out training hard yesterday for what he still believes will be an NBA comeback to save his legacy.
We know what Lamar is saying ... he believes he could be back on an NBA court by New Year's Day. It sounds improbable and maybe even impossible, but he's convinced he can quickly make a comeback and that's why he's training like an animal.
And this is interesting ... he wants back on a team not just to play basketball again ... he's worried about his legacy. He doesn't want people to remember him as a crackhead ... he wants to go out as the 6th man -- a basketball star.
As for the photo ... Lamar was leaving a training facility in the L.A. area. We're told he's there every day for hours.
I'm Not Fired
But My Ass Is On the Line
12/18/2013 12:40 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Porsha Williams has NOT been fired from "Real Housewives of Atlanta" ... but she may be on life support ... TMZ has learned.
Reports are swirling that Porsha is toast, but we're told she will absolutely stay on the show for the current season and she'll also be part of the reunion special.
But sources close to the production tell TMZ ... they're not THAT into her, because she's on the bubble for next season. Producers haven't decided whether they want to keep her or give her the ax.
Our sources say they'll wait till the reunion is taped before making their decision.
Message to Porsha -- act like a crazy bitch and save your job.
'Walking Dead' Wannabe
One Armed Man's Scary Audition
12/17/2013 9:50 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Listen Up White America ...
We Ain't 'Ni**as'
12/18/2013 12:30 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Public Enemy frontman Chuck D has a message for anyone buying into Suge Knight's take on the n-word -- tossing around that epithet is vile and disrespectful to the Civil Rights movement ... no matter how much it's overused in popular music today.
As we reported, Suge proposed a controversial idea this week -- eliminating the term "African-American" ... because he feels it's inaccurate ... and instead going with "ni**a."
Chuck D agrees "African-American" isn't a perfect term since a white person could technically be African-American too -- but insists the n-word ... with an 'a' or 'er' ... is too rooted in bloody history and oppression to be used loosely.
Put more poetically by Chuck -- "Being called Black in America is the struggle to keep us moving and breathing over bloody water. Being a Nig**r or [Ni**a] without the context of history is like drowning in bloody water, dragging down those yet knowing to swim."
Chuck D, a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer, added -- he thinks rappers show a lack creativity when they use the n-word "more than 3 times a song. It's lazy. Especially when out of context."
In other words ... don't believe the hype.
on a Beach
12/18/2013 12:20 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Guess Who This
SMILIN' LITTLE LADY
12/18/2013 12:10 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Before this grinning girl was the biggest "B*tch" in Hollywood -- she was just another little lady growing up in Pennsylvania. Can you guess who she is?