With performances by Gladys Knight, Smokey Robinson and BeBe and CeCe Winans, last night Jordin Sparks was crowned the latest "American Idol" on what seemed more like a "Solid Gold" rerun than the finale of the most watched show on television! Nothing says 2007 like ... Bette Midler?!
TMZ has the rundown on last night's eight-hour
The finale rambled on longer than a Paula Abdul interview! Something's broken on Paula -- and it ain't her nose!
The "Golden Idol Awards
" -- Um ... No! Making fun of an infantile overweight woman dressed like Big Bird and two peculiarly challenged young men does nothing for "Idol's" industry cred ... who knew minstrel shows were making a primetime comeback? Why do producers want to add a crappy awards show to a crappy award show? Gladys Knight
-- She's gotten rid of the Pips -- and all facial expression! Thankfully, the only thing Botox didn't kill was her voice. Girlfriend needs an eyelash/weave wrangler.
-- When did he become "Whisperin' Smokey Robinson?" At least one wide-eyed Jurassic crooner knows what notes he can still hit.
Doug E. Fresh
-- Thank you, "Idol," for transporting us all the way into ... 1985! *pah-chunk foomph-a-foomph*
-- Nobody hit the money note last night better than Tony -- who's 80!
-- Enough about Sanjy's hair. What the f**k was going on with Joe Perry's ratty bird's nest weave?! You Really Got Me
-- Since he won't trash Clarkson in public, he'll just rave about Carrie Underwood (aka the un-Kelly) like she cured cancer. And can someone remind him Clay Aiken did NOT win "Idol" -- Ruben Studdard did! Poor Rube! While he pointed out everyone from Chris Daughtry to Jennifer Hudson (what no Carmen Rasmussen?!), Clive forgot to mention the Velvet Teddy Bear himself.Kelly Clarkson
-- "Idol's" prodigal daughter comes home. Love her or hate her (Clive!) she knows how to transform a poetry slam into an "Idol" performance. Metalicious! By the way, how much must it suck when your album sells 10 million copies (more than Saint Carrie), you win 2 Grammys and your songwriting ability is honored by ASCAP -- yet your label Prez still shelves your new album because it isn't "pop" enough?! Was Kat McPhee's non-selling album pop enough for ya, Clive?
-- Country Barbie could get a DUI and flash her hay and she'd still be "Idol's" Patron Saint. The twangy gal can do no wrong ... except when it comes to Beatles songs!
Melinda Doolittle/BeBe and CeCe Winans
-- Hallelujah! Sometimes when you lose, you really win. Green Day
-- Through the magic of television, we were transported out of the Kodak Theater to the regular "Idol" stage and back -- in just under four minutes! How'd they do that?!
-- Where was Kermie?! Somebody knocked out
the wind beneath her wings! Que paso?! The only thing worse than the not-so Divine Miss M's Vegas-bound performance was the rubber S&M bathmat she transmogrified into a skirt! Ya gotta have friends
-- Michael Jackson might want to reconsider the worth of the catalog; it was seriously devalued by last night's shrill salute, exemplified by Taylor Hicks' special needs rendition of "A Day in the Life." Blake Lewis
-- Was there ... we think.Jordin Sparks
-- She should sing next to Ruben more often -- she suddenly became a size 2! Oh, by the way, nice how they tossed in at the end that Jordin won. Goodnight everybody!