On this weekend's edition of "60 Minutes," Simon Cowell tells Anderson Cooper that he regrets saying no to a Hollywood couple who wanted to pay him $100,000 for a private critique of their bedroom lovemaking.
If only the following folks had also been blessed with the wisdom to remain behind closed doors this week.
Prince Frederic von Anhalt: The alleged second-youngest man in Anna Nicole's life coughed up a new definition of German irony this week. Here's a guy who, by many public accounts, is about as close to a royal bloodline as Minneapolis' Prince Rogers Nelson (all von Anhalt did in 1980 was get adopted by a real princess and change his name to Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt), but this week he took exception to being called a "fraud" by FOX News host Bill O'Reilly, and this week filed a defamation lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court. By his own admission, von Anhalt married Zsa Zsa Gabor for friendship, not love; but for the love of Beverly Hills, at this point, it should be her slapping the prince, rather than him slapping O'Reilly with a lawsuit.
Sylvester Stallone: You can't really blame a 60-year-old guy if he's doing whatever it takes to bulk up for the Thailand shoot of "Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra." But those charges (of illegal importation of hormones) that were leveled at Sly in an Australian courtroom this past Tuesday are bittersweet, as they fly in the face of his recent Rocky Balboa narrative of facing the ravages of old age like a man. Stallone, who will likely be hit with a relatively small fine, insists this is all just a misunderstanding. But only fifteen-round, puffed-up boxing slit eyes could explain how, when entering Australia, the actor checked 'No' on his customs form when asked whether he was bringing restricted or prohibited goods such as "medicines, steroids, firearms or any kind of illicit drugs" into the country.
Jennifer Aniston: While the two other loves of Brad Pitt's life -- Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow -- were respectively voted the #1 and #10 "yummiest mommies" by readers of the British website PearlandDan.com, this 38-year-old actress now trails them in the baby box score department 0-4 and 0-2. Conflicting reports are swirling this month: US Weekly suggests Aniston's recent five-day visit to New York was the first step in moving back to a good place to meet men, while NW Magazine is insisting that newly reconciled boyfriend Vince Vaughn is ready to start a family. This weekend at least, she must content herself not with a pregnancy test, but simply a "Pap Smear," the title of the episode of pal Courteney Cox's TV series "Dirt," in which Jen guest stars.
Lucy Liu, Antonio Banderas: Sandra Bullock and Chris Rock are getting some pretty savage reviews this weekend for their respective movies, "Premonition" and "I Think I Love My Wife." But how would you like to be anointed the absolute "Worst of the Worst" by the website RottenTomatoes.com, as this pair has been, courtesy of their 0% positively reviewed 2002 stinker "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever?" Liu's role was originally supposed to be male, leading to early casting consideration of the tandems of Jet Li/Wesley Snipes and Vin Diesel/Sylvester Stallone. Not even Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan could have saved this one, even if they had retitled it "When Ecks Met Sever."
Regis Philbin: For the first time in eons, this dynamic talkshow host didn't get nominated for a Daytime Emmy Award in the categories of Outstanding Talk Show and Outstanding Talk Show Hosts (though a show rep tells TMZ that this is because they didn't choose to "enter any of those categories"). Although he and Kelly Ripa could still get a nod next month in the brand new category of Outstanding Morning Show, this is definitely not the kind of double bypass Gelman was hoping to share with Regis after the 75-year-old showbiz legend's very real (and successful) triple bypass heart operation. Even worse perhaps, on this St. Patrick's Day, Regis Francis Xavier Philbin can only raise a post-op non-alcoholic toast to the NCAA fortunes of his beloved Notre Dame.