Don't cry for K-Fed; rounding off his divorce settlement at $1 million for 25 months of matrimony, that means he got paid $17,857.14 a week for his husbandly chores. No, if you do anything this weekend, shed a crocodile tear for the following K-Oed bunch.
Daniel Sadek: The real-estate-investor-turned-film-producer willingly
crashed a couple of his Porsche Carrera GTs during the making of "Redline," a $26 million action flick he is
personally financing. But Monday's charity race rehearsal business with co-star
Eddie Griffin and a $1.5 million Ferrari Enzo was entirely unscripted, a sort of weird anniversary celebration of last year's similar Malibu Enzo dust-up involving
Swedish swindler Bo Stefan Eriksson. To his credit, Sadek was able to put the loss in the proper materialistic perspective during a brief, 15-minute private trailer mourning. But for Griffin, forget about "Undercover Brother," the film he jokingly referenced afterwards. This is more like that brief one-year marriage the class clown engaged in while still in high school.
Spring is definitely in the air, what with the hint of rehab romance (Britney), community service romance (Naomi) and titanic onscreen reunion romance (Kate and Leo cast in Dreamworks' "Revolutionary Road"). But for others, this week proved to be as thorny as a rose bush.
Mel Gibson: To paraphrase your "Lethal Weapon" LAPD partner Murtaugh, "This s**t's getting old." As reported
exclusively by TMZ, the 51-year-old Aussie gave first-time director
Russell Crowe ("The Bra Boys") a lesson on how NOT to field questions from the audience Thursday night, when he unleashed a Northridge earthquake of his own. CSUN Assistant Professor of Central American Studies Alicia Estrada dared to question the historical accuracy of Mel's "Apocalypto." In going Mayan on her ass, he swapped out last summer's invective "Hey Sugar Tits!" for the less flirty come-on "Lady, f**k off!" But c'mon, Mel! Seriously, you're done at this point on the apology trail; just cut to the chase and start working on a script for "The Michael Richards Story."
On this weekend's edition of "60 Minutes," Simon Cowell
tells Anderson Cooper that he regrets saying no to a Hollywood couple who wanted to pay him $100,000 for a private critique of their bedroom lovemaking.
If only the following folks had also been blessed with the wisdom to remain behind closed doors this week.
At the movies this weekend, it's all about 300 Spartans preparing for glory, but for the Z List, it's all about five celebrities who should be sorry.
Ann Coulter: The blonde bombshell of right wing punditry was officially inducted into the exclusive boys club of Michael Richards, Mel Gibson and Isaiah Washington, as major fallout continued to build in the wake of her derogatory description of Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards. A number of newspapers have dropped her column, she's lost a bunch of website sponsors, and all of a sudden, perhaps for the first time, even her fans are looking past the long legs and long locks. Hasn't Coulter learned anything from Hollywood's terrible trio? You don't deem it a "schoolyard taunt;" you apologize, as quickly and as contritely as you can.
Anna Nicole is dead, and finally buried in the Bahamas. But let's not forget these folks, for whom the week also felt
somewhat like their funeral.
Antonella Barba: We're fine with all those nude photos, even the X-rated ones that friends claim are not her. We're also fine with the fact that
sympathy for the bedeviled, rather than perhaps sheer talent, kept the 20-year-old from being trounced this week from "American Idol." But to compare yourself -- in the face of some Simon criticism on Wednesday -- to Jennifer Hudson, the very same week that the best set of pipes ever to grace the Fox juggernaut won her Best Supporting Actress Oscar?
C'mon. We hate to break it to you, but right now, you're only the "dream girl" of a very narrow contingent of avid Internet-surfing males.
For some lucky celebs, this weekend is all about Oscar parties and a trip to the exclusive Beverly Hills "branding retreat" known as Soho House to
grab some swag. But here at the Z List, we prefer to focus on those clanging around the "So-Low House."
Britney Spears: She looks like Sinead O'Connor, and yes, as we watch the tattooed tantrums and ongoing game of rehab musical chairs, we can't help but hum along to "Nothing Compares to You" as the soundtrack. And what's with the aversion to body hair? First, it was shorn down low, then up high. Does this mean we can soon expect a frenzied waxing of the armpits, perhaps with the help of some unsuspecting Malibu surfers? Not so long ago, we were all having great fun at the expense of K-Fed. But it's now time to officially dub Britney "H-Thread," as in hanging by a thread.
Cameron Diaz is probably trippin' this President's Day weekend after winning her libel suit against the National Enquirer, which claimed she was seen schmooching during the time of her relationship with Justin Timberlake with a producer of her MTV travel show. Then there's this group of celebs, who are simply basking in the glow of tripping all over themselves.
Tim Hardaway: While this year's NBA All-Stars get ready to do their thing in Vegas, former Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway warmed things up Wednesday by joining the less illustrious ranks of the Career Suicide All-Stars. The play-by-play for that league sounds something like this: "Gibson inbounds the ball, brings it up to half-court; passes it to over Richards; Isaiah Washington takes it on the three-point line, throws it over to Andy Dick, who backhands to Hardaway in the paint... Slam dunk!" Hardaway quickly switched to the apology playbook, but it was not enough to stop New Jersey hair products outfit BaldGuyz from dropping him as their spokesperson. Forget about a trip to Tim Hardaway's U.S. 1 Car Wash in Miami; this no-longer-welcome-in-Vegas goof needs to drive straight to the nearest pharmacy and stock up on mouth wash.
Sure, we could do our usual thing and tag people like Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake for trying to outdo each other post breakup (Diaz, with her my-new-boyfriend-is-like-this-breadstick demo during a dinner at Cut in Beverly Hills, would likely win). But in the wake of
Anna Nicole Smith's untimely death, it seems only fitting to invoke the exception rule, and take serious stock of those she left behind.
Dannielynn Hope Marshall: This young tyke is only five months old, but already she has lost a half brother and her mother. According to People Magazine, Dannielynn is being cared for in the Bahamas by the mother of Immigration Minister Shane Gibson, in advance of what will no doubt be an extremely ugly custody battle. Her mom idolized Marilyn Monroe, the blonde bombshell with whom Smith was often compared. But now it is Dannielynn who must suddenly follow in the footsteps of Norma Jean and other real-life celebrity orphans, such as Deborah Harry and Dana Plato.
There's still time to lay down a side bet on whether or not Prince's pants will split during the Super Bowl halftime show. But quite frankly, there's about as much chance of that happening as there is of Prince dedicating "Sign o' the Times" to one of these folks:
Paris Hilton: Joe Francis is spilling the beans about her oral sex skills on Howard Stern; reports from the set of "The Hottie and the Nottie" suggest you're flubbing your lines. Late in the week you managed to top all that via the release of another grainy video on the Internet, courtesy of that joker who turned the contents of your storage locker into ParisExposed.com. Instead of night vision, this one is in stereophonic fright vision, with you uttering both the Isaiah Washington F-word and the Michael Richards N-word while dancing the night away with sister Nicky and some frat boys. Hot it's not, and more than likely, by the time this Z List hits the TMZ website, you will have already humbly offered up the A-word to make amends. We never thought we'd say this, but it's actually better for you to put a boyfriend in your mouth than your own foot.
Is Gary Coleman so hard up for advance cash that he now has to rely on Sundance swag? Is Dustin "Screech" Diamond so desperate to keep his faux sex tape buzz going that he has to compete for attention with Gary Coleman? It's just the tip of this week's surreal (celebrity) life iceberg.
Sharon Stone: You'd think after her breasts bagged the
Razzie Award nomination for "Worst Screen Couple" of 2006, this 48-year-old actress' basic instinct would be to keep them under wiry wraps. But no, there she was earlier this week, brazenly brawless at the Ivy in Beverly Hills. Stone is no longer the good kind of MILF -- e.g., a movie star we'd like to fraternize with ... now she's a movie star we'd like to forget. Her take for "Basic Instinct 2" dwarfed that of her other '06 paydays -- "Bobby," "Alpha Dog" and a three-episode arc on Showtime's "Huff." But just as original "Basic Instinct" scribe Joe Ezsterhas has been known to give CAA the one-finger salute, Stone may want to park in front of her agency for a few moments and flip the good folks at William Morris a similar thank you.
If the Golden Globes ever move from NBC to Fox, perhaps
Simon, Randy and Paula will be asked to camp out next to
Jack Nicholson at the front table and offer up their assessment of each winner's acceptance speech. Until then, we feel it's our duty to sift through the red carpet, the red wine -- and the red faces -- for a look at our five Best Boob nominees.
Isaiah Washington: All that was missing backstage in the moments following the "Grey's Anatomy" win for Best Television Series - Drama, was
Sacha Baron Cohen in full Borat costume asking his favorite "Anatomy" star a follow-up question. Unlucky for Washington, it wasn't Borat ... it was E! gossip columnist Ted Casablanca, who stations himself at the very front of major awards show interview rooms to ask the lion's share of the open session questions. For example, at the 2003 Emmys, in the wake of Garry Shandling and
Brad Garrett's French kiss, he demanded to know, with a straight face, how each successive winner would live out their same-sex fantasy. This time around, Bruce Bibby (Casbalanca's real name) inadvertently hit paydirt, and we do mean dirt, when his seemingly innocent question prompted Washington to shoot T.R., again. Compounding the egregiousness of Washington's 'Eek!' moment: the fact that Casablanca is himself openly gay.
