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The Z List This Week's Biggest Losers 03/17/07

3/17/2007 4:03 AM PDT
On this weekend's edition of "60 Minutes," Simon Cowell tells Anderson Cooper that he regrets saying no to a Hollywood couple who wanted to pay him $100,000 for a private critique of their bedroom lovemaking.

If only the following folks had also been blessed with the wisdom to remain behind closed doors this week.

Prince Frederic von Anhalt: The alleged second-youngest man in Anna Nicole's life coughed up a new definition of German irony this week. Here's a guy who, by many public accounts, is about as close to a royal bloodline as Minneapolis' Prince Rogers Nelson (all von Anhalt did in 1980 was get adopted by a real princess and change his name to Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt), but this week he took exception to being called a "fraud" by FOX News host Bill O'Reilly, and this week filed a defamation lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court. By his own admission, von Anhalt married Zsa Zsa Gabor for friendship, not love; but for the love of Beverly Hills, at this point, it should be her slapping the prince, rather than him slapping O'Reilly with a lawsuit.

Sylvester Stallone: You can't really blame a 60-year-old guy if he's doing whatever it takes to bulk up for the Thailand shoot of "Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra." But those charges (of illegal importation of hormones) that were leveled at Sly in an Australian courtroom this past Tuesday are bittersweet, as they fly in the face of his recent Rocky Balboa narrative of facing the ravages of old age like a man. Stallone, who will likely be hit with a relatively small fine, insists this is all just a misunderstanding. But only fifteen-round, puffed-up boxing slit eyes could explain how, when entering Australia, the actor checked 'No' on his customs form when asked whether he was bringing restricted or prohibited goods such as "medicines, steroids, firearms or any kind of illicit drugs" into the country.

Jennifer Aniston: While the two other loves of Brad Pitt's life -- Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow -- were respectively voted the #1 and #10 "yummiest mommies" by readers of the British website, this 38-year-old actress now trails them in the baby box score department 0-4 and 0-2. Conflicting reports are swirling this month: US Weekly suggests Aniston's recent five-day visit to New York was the first step in moving back to a good place to meet men, while NW Magazine is insisting that newly reconciled boyfriend Vince Vaughn is ready to start a family. This weekend at least, she must content herself not with a pregnancy test, but simply a "Pap Smear," the title of the episode of pal Courteney Cox's TV series "Dirt," in which Jen guest stars.

Lucy Liu, Antonio Banderas: Sandra Bullock and Chris Rock are getting some pretty savage reviews this weekend for their respective movies, "Premonition" and "I Think I Love My Wife." But how would you like to be anointed the absolute "Worst of the Worst" by the website, as this pair has been, courtesy of their 0% positively reviewed 2002 stinker "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever?" Liu's role was originally supposed to be male, leading to early casting consideration of the tandems of Jet Li/Wesley Snipes and Vin Diesel/Sylvester Stallone. Not even Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan could have saved this one, even if they had retitled it "When Ecks Met Sever."

Regis Philbin: For the first time in eons, this dynamic talkshow host didn't get nominated for a Daytime Emmy Award in the categories of Outstanding Talk Show and Outstanding Talk Show Hosts (though a show rep tells TMZ that this is because they didn't choose to "enter any of those categories"). Although he and Kelly Ripa could still get a nod next month in the brand new category of Outstanding Morning Show, this is definitely not the kind of double bypass Gelman was hoping to share with Regis after the 75-year-old showbiz legend's very real (and successful) triple bypass heart operation. Even worse perhaps, on this St. Patrick's Day, Regis Francis Xavier Philbin can only raise a post-op non-alcoholic toast to the NCAA fortunes of his beloved Notre Dame.

The Z List - This Week's Biggest Losers 03/10/07

3/10/2007 5:01 AM PST

At the movies this weekend, it's all about 300 Spartans preparing for glory, but for the Z List, it's all about five celebrities who should be sorry.

Ann Coulter: The blonde bombshell of right wing punditry was officially inducted into the exclusive boys club of Michael Richards, Mel Gibson and Isaiah Washington, as major fallout continued to build in the wake of her derogatory description of Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards. A number of newspapers have dropped her column, she's lost a bunch of website sponsors, and all of a sudden, perhaps for the first time, even her fans are looking past the long legs and long locks. Hasn't Coulter learned anything from Hollywood's terrible trio? You don't deem it a "schoolyard taunt;" you apologize, as quickly and as contritely as you can.

Michael Jackson: The man who was never Billie Jean's lover hit a new low this week, charging Tokyo fans $3,400 a pop to take a close-up look. He followed that with a larger $130-a-ticket fan event yesterday, but still, it all adds up to one mightily wrong way to re-enter the fray. At one point, MJ took to the stage and bemoaned, "While some have made deliberate attempts to hurt me, I take it in stride." But it's you, Michael, who keeps hurting yourself. With next year's loss of your Beatles song catalogue looming largest of all, take it from us: just moonwalk your way back to Vegas as quickly as possible and wait for choreographers to put the finishing touches on that showgirl version of "Thriller."

Van Halen: Would you pay big bucks to watch the dynamic duo of Wolfgang and Alex Van Halen rock out an arena? Didn't think so. But that's what's left of the Van Halen reunion tour after Eddie checked himself into rehab this week and David Lee Roth pulled another spandex fit, this time over the fact that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame won't let him sing at Monday's induction of the iconic hard rock band. If Roth still had a radio show, he might be able to get on the soap box about being robbed of a coveted meet and greet. As it is, he might as well just head on down to the Baja Peninsula and line up some of that Sammy Hagar Cabo Wabo tequila.

Kim Kardashian: As reported this week by TMZ, the girl formerly known as the daughter of O.J.'s lawyer is well into her own version of March madness. After a meeting with the folks at Vivid Video fell flat, it looks like the adult film behemoth -- supported by what it claims is rock solid legal ownership of the KDash-Ray-J sex tape -- is thrusting forward with plans to release it to the world on March 21. Last year, a rumored sex tape of O.J. with two prostitutes turned out to be simply the work of a lookalike, but there's no doubt the leading lady here is one Kimberly Kathleen Kardashian. To paraphrase her dad's old pal Johnny Cochran, 'If the love don't quit, you must transmit.

Courtney Love: Two years after embarrassing herself on Comedy Central's Pam Anderson Roast, and then immediately thereafter checking in to a fancy Newport Beach, Calif. rehab facility, C-Lo has apparently failed to make good on the $181,286 tab. This, after calling out Paris earlier in the week for her allegedly drug-friendly Beverly Hills birthday bash. Maybe it's just us, but we're pretty sure that if Courtney had gone to Paris and indicated she was willing to keep her mouth shut, the Queen of the Beautiful People might well have taken care of her Beau Monde International bill. All in all, it smells like has-been spirit.

The Z List This Week's Biggest Losers 03/03/07

3/3/2007 5:01 AM PST
Anna Nicole is dead, and finally buried in the Bahamas. But let's not forget these folks, for whom the week also felt somewhat like their funeral.

Antonella Barba: We're fine with all those nude photos, even the X-rated ones that friends claim are not her. We're also fine with the fact that sympathy for the bedeviled, rather than perhaps sheer talent, kept the 20-year-old from being trounced this week from "American Idol." But to compare yourself -- in the face of some Simon criticism on Wednesday -- to Jennifer Hudson, the very same week that the best set of pipes ever to grace the Fox juggernaut won her Best Supporting Actress Oscar? C'mon. We hate to break it to you, but right now, you're only the "dream girl" of a very narrow contingent of avid Internet-surfing males.

Vincent Pastore: In between those first few seasons of "The Sopranos" and his currently filming flick "The Devil's Dominos," in which he plays the character of Big John Calabrese opposite Daniel Baldwin, "Big Pussy" became, well, a big pussy. Seriously, be it "Dominos" or other upcoming mafia-tinged flicks such as "Pizza with Bullets" and the fact-based drama "Unmade Man," it's going to be a little harder to quake in our boots knowing that this guy flopped in his dancing shoes. When you fall behind a one-legged girl and are replaced on "Dancing with the Stars" by a whiny, know-it-all postman (John Ratzenberger), it may be time to move from Jersey to Florida.

Kate Moss: On the one hand, one could argue that the gal voted "Sexiest Female" at this week's New Musical Express (NME) Awards in London, was simply representin' when she was purported to have desperately tried to get it on at the ceremony with boyfriend Pete Doherty, in both a bathroom and back alley. But add their shaky countenances and Doherty trying to abscond from a table with a spoon, and the pair being escorted home early by their own personal security staff -- it all adds up to "Vexiest Couple." When Primal Scream lead singer Bobby Gillespie accepted the Godlike Genius Award from former Clash star Mick Jones, instead of close friend Moss, he exclaimed, "I don't know where she is." On this night, we don't think she did either.

Eddie Murphy
: The new man of a thousand faces got himself into hot water this week by bolting from the Kodak Theater after losing the Best Supporting Actor Oscar to Alan Arkin. It's not so much the act itself, as the weak excuse subsequently put forth: "Eddie had always planned on leaving after his category was announced to spend the rest of the evening with his family." All in all, maybe Eddie should have known things weren't going to go his way after a reporter for L.A.'s NBC Channel 4, not long before the big show, mistook Martin Lawrence for Murphy while interviewing the Martin courtside at a Lakers game. If you ask us, that fat suit cross-dressing Big Momma is nothing like this fat suit cross-dressing Rasputia.

This Week's Biggest Losers 02/24/2007

2/24/2007 5:02 AM PST
For some lucky celebs, this weekend is all about Oscar parties and a trip to the exclusive Beverly Hills "branding retreat" known as Soho House to grab some swag. But here at the Z List, we prefer to focus on those clanging around the "So-Low House."

Britney Spears: She looks like Sinead O'Connor, and yes, as we watch the tattooed tantrums and ongoing game of rehab musical chairs, we can't help but hum along to "Nothing Compares to You" as the soundtrack. And what's with the aversion to body hair? First, it was shorn down low, then up high. Does this mean we can soon expect a frenzied waxing of the armpits, perhaps with the help of some unsuspecting Malibu surfers? Not so long ago, we were all having great fun at the expense of K-Fed. But it's now time to officially dub Britney "H-Thread," as in hanging by a thread.

Anna Nicole Smith: When the DNA-challenged sycophants you left behind look like they belong not in a Florida courtroom, but on the stage of "The Jerry Springer Show," and you, at this point, still don't have a grave in which to roll over, life in the Bahamian great beyond must feel like an E! reality show. It's been a real-life double D soap opera, with sky-high ratings that would have made even the late Aaron Spelling jealous. But the cliffhanger here is, of course, not who shot J.R. -- it's who fathered Dannielynn.

David Geffen: It just keeps getting more embarrassing for the Broadway billionaire. Over here, it's former Supreme Mary Wilson, bemoaning the fact that even though "Dreamgirls" appears to have been based on her life, it's the kind of non-compensated love that leaves an itching in her heart. Over there, it's Dreamworks -- via full-page ads in the Hollywood trades -- apologizing for any inference that the fictional character of Curtis Taylor Jr. (played by Jamie Foxx) was trying to drown Motown founder Berry Gordy in the tears of a clown. Jennifer Hudson is still a lock for Best Supporting Actress, but the way things are going, Geffen should prepare himself for Monday morning complaints about how all those darned Dreamgirls musical numbers dragged down the Oscar telecast.

Barbara Walters: On the plus side, she's become a great kibbitzing guest on "The Late Show with David Letterman." On the minus side, her view this Oscar weekend is a little less rosy now that ABC, prior to her annual special this Sunday, has broadcast a similar program last night hosted by Oprah. The latter even appears to have one-upped Babs on the format front, getting stars to interview each other. And scoop-wise, Walters will have a hard time competing with Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt getting George Clooney to admit he had his eyes done. Even if it was just another deadpan Clooney joke.

Renée Zellweger: Despite country singer Kenny Chesney's insistence on "60 Minutes" that the end of his marriage to the Oscar winner had nothing to do with "fraud" (the reason listed on their annulment papers), his failure to more precisely disclose what really caused their seven-month itch did nothing for Zellweger's personal profile. Adding insult to Tennessee's was a lovey-dovey quote in USA Today this week from fellow December break-up beau Jim Carrey ("I'm more ready to be loved than I have been in my life"). Forget about all the things that add up to Carrey's beloved number 23; in Zellweger's case, the black numerical mark is 27, as in December 7 (date of break-up with fiancé Jimbo) + December 20 (date the Chesney music stopped).

This Week's Biggest Losers 02/17/2007

2/16/2007 5:24 PM PST
Cameron Diaz is probably trippin' this President's Day weekend after winning her libel suit against the National Enquirer, which claimed she was seen schmooching during the time of her relationship with Justin Timberlake with a producer of her MTV travel show. Then there's this group of celebs, who are simply basking in the glow of tripping all over themselves.

Tim Hardaway: While this year's NBA All-Stars get ready to do their thing in Vegas, former Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway warmed things up Wednesday by joining the less illustrious ranks of the Career Suicide All-Stars. The play-by-play for that league sounds something like this: "Gibson inbounds the ball, brings it up to half-court; passes it to over Richards; Isaiah Washington takes it on the three-point line, throws it over to Andy Dick, who backhands to Hardaway in the paint... Slam dunk!" Hardaway quickly switched to the apology playbook, but it was not enough to stop New Jersey hair products outfit BaldGuyz from dropping him as their spokesperson. Forget about a trip to Tim Hardaway's U.S. 1 Car Wash in Miami; this no-longer-welcome-in-Vegas goof needs to drive straight to the nearest pharmacy and stock up on mouth wash.

Kevin Sorbo: Speaking of career suicide, TV's one-time Hercules obviously woke up on the wrong side of Mount Olympus recently. In a scorching interview with, the 48-year-old star of two upcoming straight-to-video Walking Tall sequels trashed everyone from former co-star Lucy Lawless to the TV show's former executive producer Sam Raimi. Sorbo is apparently particularly miffed that Raimi has never rewarded him for his hard work on Hercules with a part in the Spider-Man films, as he did when he cast Lawless as "Punk Rock Girl" in the 2002 franchise kick-off. And although Sorbo deems being asked to audition for The Grudge the equivalent of an "F-you," that now pales in comparison to this return salute.

Robyn Troup: Talk about being telescoped into the agony-and-ecstasy arc of a showbiz career. In what normally takes years - and bucket loads of frequent flyer miles - this 19-year-old Houston native went from the downtown Los Angeles glory of a "Grammy moment" to the Hollywood ignominy of being booted off of American Idol. All within the space of 48 hours! At this rate, Troup will be checking into rehab on Monday, publishing a tell-all biography by Wednesday and trying to revive her career with an accidentally released Internet sex tape on Friday.

Ralph Fiennes: Anyone who insists that the name "R-a-l-p-h" should be pronounced "R-a-i-f" is asking for trouble. No, we don't begrudge this Hogwarts nemesis for going hog wild in an airplane lavatory with willing Quantas stewardess Lisa Robertson. Nor do we object to him continuing to bite his lip after it all went down, thus allowing his 38-year-old coffee-tea-or-me? partner to come clean about what went down some seven miles up. But R-a-i-f, did you have to - as a current UK Ambassador to Unicef - have to forego protection on your way to India to preach what you didn't practice? Really. If you wanted to get out of the upcoming press junkets for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, all you had to do was ask.

Kim Mathers: At the very opposite end of the celebrity sex scale, apparently, are this gal's memories of her terrestrial trysts with imminent two-time former husband Eminem. In grabbing the Detroit morning radio show mike and letting loose with her own ghetto rap, Mathers did their kids a huge disservice by suggesting that Slim Shady is just plain slim in the sack without the help of Viagra. On the bright side, the words she used to describe her current feelings towards Em' - "I vomit in my mouth whenever I'm around him" - are pure gold if he decides to crank out a trash back '08 single.

This Week's Biggest Losers 02/10/2007

2/10/2007 4:58 AM PST
Sure, we could do our usual thing and tag people like Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake for trying to outdo each other post breakup (Diaz, with her my-new-boyfriend-is-like-this-breadstick demo during a dinner at Cut in Beverly Hills, would likely win). But in the wake of Anna Nicole Smith's untimely death, it seems only fitting to invoke the exception rule, and take serious stock of those she left behind.

Dannielynn Hope Marshall: This young tyke is only five months old, but already she has lost a half brother and her mother. According to People Magazine, Dannielynn is being cared for in the Bahamas by the mother of Immigration Minister Shane Gibson, in advance of what will no doubt be an extremely ugly custody battle. Her mom idolized Marilyn Monroe, the blonde bombshell with whom Smith was often compared. But now it is Dannielynn who must suddenly follow in the footsteps of Norma Jean and other real-life celebrity orphans, such as Deborah Harry and Dana Plato.

Howard K. Stern: Blogger Perez Hilton wasted no time in the wake of Smith's death, restating his belief that the attorney is responsible for the death of Smith's son, and now, "the only known person alive who knows his part in the son's death." But Howard K. was not at the Hard Rock Hotel room at the time of her death, and Seminole, Florida Deputy Police Chief Michael Browne told the Associated Press they had interviewed everyone connected to the event and that it was not being treated as a foul play situation. If Howard K.'s marriage to Smith is deemed legal, and he goes on to inherit her full estate, he will trickle up to the top of many other people's hate lists.

Larry Birkhead: While expressing words of devastation on his personal website, former Smith boyfriend Birkhead also quickly went on the offensive. Birkhead's lawyer Debra Opri filed an emergency order for custody of Dannielynn and sought Friday in L.A. Superior Court to obtain a separate emergency order for DNA tests on Smith's body, as part of the ongoing paternity battle between Birkhead and Howard K (the latter attempt was denied). If you thought the legal morass surrounding Smith's battle with the family of Howard Marshall II for the oil heir's billions was messy, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Virgie Arthur: In a brazen bit of tough love, Smith's mother quickly made her thoughts known via "Nancy Grace," "Good Morning America" and elsewhere. After echoing Perez Hilton's claims that Smith's son Danny could not logically have died from an accidental overdose, she took her daughter to post-mortem task, saying that she had warned Smith against the perils of drugs and the people who came along with them. Certainly, anyone who saw Smith's last interview on "Entertainment Tonight" couldn't help but feel that she wasn't entirely herself (a thought echoed on "Good Morning America" by ET co-host Mark Steines). Arthur also threw her hat into the paternity-suit ring, insisting that it is Birkhead who is the father of Dannielynn, not Howard K.

Ron Rale: While Wikipedia worked overtime to remove some of the more scurrilous user additions to Anna Nicole's file (ex: "She's dead. F***ing dead. Get over it."), the other attorney in Smith's life found himself suddenly thrust into a whole new level of client defense. For example, he decried the move by Howard K.'s attorney to get a DNA swab from Smith's body (a request denied Friday in L.A. Superior Court), telling People magazine that he thought "it was the lowest form of behavior I'd ever heard of." He was also privy on the FOX News Channel to something less egregious, but no less unsavory; anchor Rita Crosby delivering the news of Smith's death during an interview with Rale, and then quickly going on to dub it as an "exclusive."

This Week's Biggest Losers 02/03/2007

2/3/2007 5:03 AM PST
There's still time to lay down a side bet on whether or not Prince's pants will split during the Super Bowl halftime show. But quite frankly, there's about as much chance of that happening as there is of Prince dedicating "Sign o' the Times" to one of these folks:

Paris Hilton: Joe Francis is spilling the beans about her oral sex skills on Howard Stern; reports from the set of "The Hottie and the Nottie" suggest you're flubbing your lines. Late in the week you managed to top all that via the release of another grainy video on the Internet, courtesy of that joker who turned the contents of your storage locker into Instead of night vision, this one is in stereophonic fright vision, with you uttering both the Isaiah Washington F-word and the Michael Richards N-word while dancing the night away with sister Nicky and some frat boys. Hot it's not, and more than likely, by the time this Z List hits the TMZ website, you will have already humbly offered up the A-word to make amends. We never thought we'd say this, but it's actually better for you to put a boyfriend in your mouth than your own foot.

Lindsay Lohan: This week's chapter in the lurid life of LiLo was more like a whole book, one we'll title "Lindsay in Wonderland." Instead of the Mad Hatter, it's crazy poppa, sharing an open love letter from his East coast jail cell in the pages of In Touch magazine. Instead of the Cheshire Cat disappearing into the nether, it's you, opting out from the set of your Annette Bening movie, "A Woman of No Importance." And to top it all off, after you text-messaged Brody Jenner from rehab about your fondness for beefcake with cheese, now reports say that Iron Mike is moving into Wonderland. If word leaks that the heart of this pop tart is newly set on that Knave of Hearts, we will have no choice but to chime in with the Lewis Carroll refrain: "Off with her head!"

Scott Baio: For years and years, Chachi has been a surprising modicum of class, refusing to kiss and tell when people slobbered over his long and very impressive list of Hollywood girlfriends. Even in the face of a worshipping Jimmy Kimmel, Baio sheepishly dodged requests for juicy details. But that's all history now that the actor is shopping around his autobiography, "BaioWatch: How I Dated and Loved Hollywood's Most Beautiful Women and Ended Up Alone." Radar Magazine leaked some details last week, and now the rest of the media is catching up, agog that Pam Anderson's boob job scared the sock hop lothario away. Liza Minnelli may have wanted your sperm, and those Playboy mansion partiers your crotch, but we'd rather just wait for the TV movie starring ... you?

Lauren Nelson: On Monday, this Miss Oklahoma was crowned Miss America. And no one cared. We hate to reference Joe Francis twice in the same Z List (!), but his "Girls Gone Wild" franchise is partly responsible for the ongoing defection of TV viewers from traditional beauty pageants. People no longer want to hear a beautiful blonde talk about world peace; they want to hear a beautiful blonde share a very personal piece of her world. Thursday's Matt Lauer interview with disgraced Miss USA Tara Conner is the one that counted, offering up all the staples of a 21st Century celebrity apology (sobriety, dysfunctional childhood, steely resolve...). So for all those beauties seeking their 15 minutes of high-heeled fame, remember: better smashed than sashed!

Jennifer Lopez: She looks mighty fine in that new Spanish-language music video for her single "Que Hiciste." But when she rolls into a recording studio, it can sometimes cause music industry executives to mutter, "Ay Caramba!" Reports surfaced this week that J.Lo preceded an L.A. recording session with three pages of rider demands, covering everything from puffy Cuban bread to Warren Beatty-style flattery lighting. True, it stopped short of any Church of Scientology related demands -- a faith J.Lo is rumored to be looking into. But trust us, girl; you'd look good even if the lighting was coming from a lone security guard's flashlight.

This Week's Biggest Losers 01/27/2007

1/27/2007 5:12 AM PST
Is Gary Coleman so hard up for advance cash that he now has to rely on Sundance swag? Is Dustin "Screech" Diamond so desperate to keep his faux sex tape buzz going that he has to compete for attention with Gary Coleman? It's just the tip of this week's surreal (celebrity) life iceberg.

Sharon Stone: You'd think after her breasts bagged the Razzie Award nomination for "Worst Screen Couple" of 2006, this 48-year-old actress' basic instinct would be to keep them under wiry wraps. But no, there she was earlier this week, brazenly brawless at the Ivy in Beverly Hills. Stone is no longer the good kind of MILF -- e.g., a movie star we'd like to fraternize with ... now she's a movie star we'd like to forget. Her take for "Basic Instinct 2" dwarfed that of her other '06 paydays -- "Bobby," "Alpha Dog" and a three-episode arc on Showtime's "Huff." But just as original "Basic Instinct" scribe Joe Ezsterhas has been known to give CAA the one-finger salute, Stone may want to park in front of her agency for a few moments and flip the good folks at William Morris a similar thank you.

M. Night Shyamalan: This fellow Razzie nominee (Worst Picture, Worst Director and Worst Screenplay) for "Lady in the Water" is finding things in Hollywood to be dark and stormy indeed. Not too long ago, around this time of year, "Manoj" was getting high-fives from executives around town for scoring Best Director and Best Original Screenplay Oscar nominations. This time, it's more like deep-sixes, with Shyamanlan's sci-fic auction block script "Green Planet" eeking out a mere "maybe" from 20th-Century Fox. In the case of this Razzie low-roller, the whisper over the phone from his folks at UTA is probably something along the lines of, "Their people aren't calling your people."

Dakota Fanning: She came to Sundance riding a wave of controversial buzz for her movie "Hounddog." But unlike other sight-unseen reviled films like "The Passion of the Christ" and "Fahrenheit 9/11," the reviews for this one turned out to be even worse than the advance rope burns. To her credit, the 12-year-old tyke came to the vigorous defense of her family and advisors when the attacks turned personal. But Fanning and her watchful mom have made the tragic mistake of saying yes to a rape scene that is completely superfluous to the plot. One-time child star Jodie Foster wisely waited until she was 25 to make "The Accused." Let's hope fanning the flames of Sundance controversy hasn't put Dakota on the road to Palookaville.

Simon Cowell: One suspects that the folks at "American Idol," weary of the criticism engendered by season six's shameless-in-Seattle opener, went back into the editing room to slightly rejig footage from this week's Memphis auditions. How else to explain Simon Cowell's transformation from acid-tongued anthropologist to sugar-coated semi-wimp? Our favorite meanie is not supposed to have to apologize for trashing a contestant, especially the day after that same contestant (Kenneth Briggs) made his fifteen-minutes-of-fame debut on "Jimmy Kimmel Live." And when it rains, it reeks; now Paula is blaming Simon for rumors of her being a liquor girl... and a pair of authors - Joanne and Arrica Scaglione - are pinning some of the societal blame on the snarky Brit in their new book, Bully-Proof Children.

Bill Condon: Early on Tuesday morning, the Hollywood choir chimed-in with the wake-up call, "And I Am Going to Tell You ("Dreamgirls" Ain't No "Chicago")." Sure, the musical led this week's Academy Award nominations with eight nods. But when you take away the three Best Original Songs, this movie musical falls behind the likes of "Babel" and "The Queen" on the gilded tote board. Writer/director Condon was snubbed in both the Best Picture and Best Director categories. If he believed his own press, he may be having a hard time;'s Tom O'Neil has been screaming out since October that a "Dreamgirls" Oscar nomination was a done deal. The only thing worse will be if Jennifer Hudson wins for Best Supporting Actress and remembers to thank Simon Cowell and forgets to thank Bill Condon.

This Week's Biggest Losers 01/20/2007

1/19/2007 2:01 AM PST
If the Golden Globes ever move from NBC to Fox, perhaps Simon, Randy and Paula will be asked to camp out next to Jack Nicholson at the front table and offer up their assessment of each winner's acceptance speech. Until then, we feel it's our duty to sift through the red carpet, the red wine -- and the red faces -- for a look at our five Best Boob nominees.

Isaiah Washington
: All that was missing backstage in the moments following the "Grey's Anatomy" win for Best Television Series - Drama, was Sacha Baron Cohen in full Borat costume asking his favorite "Anatomy" star a follow-up question. Unlucky for Washington, it wasn't Borat ... it was E! gossip columnist Ted Casablanca, who stations himself at the very front of major awards show interview rooms to ask the lion's share of the open session questions. For example, at the 2003 Emmys, in the wake of Garry Shandling and Brad Garrett's French kiss, he demanded to know, with a straight face, how each successive winner would live out their same-sex fantasy. This time around, Bruce Bibby (Casbalanca's real name) inadvertently hit paydirt, and we do mean dirt, when his seemingly innocent question prompted Washington to shoot T.R., again. Compounding the egregiousness of Washington's 'Eek!' moment: the fact that Casablanca is himself openly gay.

Hugh Grant: We'll let the rest of the blogosphere focus on the disastrous fashions modeled by Cameron Diaz, Evangeline Lilly and Cate Blanchett. None of their dresses can hold a candle to Grant's bed-head-Blimey, which was at full attention when the actor presented the Best Original Score award alongside his upcoming "Music and Lyrics"co-star, Drew Barrymore. True, he didn't plug his own work quite as shamelessly as fellow presenters Tim Allen and Milo Ventimiglia. He admirably tried to save it at the end by coming to the rescue of Drew's mangling of French winner Alexandre Desplat's name. Ultimately, it was all about the no-gel boy.

Prince: Did fellow Best Original Song nominee Sheryl Crow get stuck on Santa Monica Boulevard? No. Did Bryan Adams, co-writer and performer of the "Bobby" ditty "Never Going to Break My Faith," wipe out while making the motorcycle trek down the PCH? Double no. It's not so much the fact that Prince missed his "Happy Feet" moment in the sun because of some Little Red Corvette gridlock. Rather, it's the idea that a bona fide legend can be brought down to the level of our pedestrian concerns -- at an awards show, no less. He should have limo-pooled with Puff Daddy.

Pia Zadora: Who? Well, for all of you too young to remember, back in the early 1980s, Zadora was the Paris Hilton of her day; a stinking rich, straight-to-video blonde. Just when the world had pretty much forgotten about her infamous 1982 New Star of the Year Golden Globe for the bomb "Butterfly" (a film during which co-star Orson Welles was reportedly drinking so heavily that fed-up extras started yelling, "He will sell no wine before its time"), along comes Tom Hanks to dredge up the memory of this forgotten category in connection with Beatty's Lifetime Achievement Award. Pia, a twice divorced and once-retired Hoboken native, is now 52. But unlike fellow New Star winners like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dustin Hoffman, she never made it back to the big show.

Giuliana DePandi
: No, this E! personality didn't ask a seemingly innocent question only to have her interview subject deny that they ever called Penelope Cruz a "lesbo." And don't get us wrong; we love Giuliana ... her laidback, martini lounge style is the very cream of the current awards showgazers crop. But after a typically convivial post-show chat with double-winner Helen Mirren, she inadvertently knocked one of the actress' trophies onto the hard floor. After what seemed like a thousand apologies, DePandi headed straight for the Grey Goose Vodka bar. Mirren was very gracious, but it was almost enough to earn DePandi a, "You're fired!," from future husband, "Apprentice" Bill Rancic.

This Week's Biggest Losers 1/13/07

1/12/2007 8:46 PM PST
After a week during which both Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore saw their longstanding relationships officially come to an end, fellow angel Lucy Liu might not want to check her text messages for a while. And then there's the Zone, where we find that bad luck generally comes in fives.

Barbara Walters: In her recent two-part TV special "30 Mistakes in 30 Years," Walters expressed real regret at turning down a dinner date invitation from interview subject Clint Eastwood, back in his "Dirty Harry" days. But now, that probably pales in comparison to how she must feel about getting so awkwardly caught in the middle of the five shots -- or is it six? -- exchanged between The Donald and The Rosie. The latter apparently laid into Walters on Monday for not phoning her over the holidays, and for choosing to temper her public comments about Trump. Meanwhile, the beauty pageant gatekeeper is insisting that Babs is not telling the truth. Over the years, Walters has tap danced around heads of state, weepy celebrities and a gaggle of intriguing people. But her handling of this fracas has none of that finesse, and to add insult to injury, Oprah has now eclipsed her with a celeb-interviewing-celeb Oscar special.

Bob Shaye: What a difference a couple of weeks make. Last month, at the prestigious PEN West Awards gala in downtown Los Angeles, the New Line Cinema Co-Chairman was presented with the Award of Honor for his stellar movie career. This week, he took a hard left from that sentiment by souring on the studio's royalties dispute with "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson. Shaye's trash talk was most likely an inadvertent off-the-cuff detour during an otherwise standard-operating-procedure interview with the website But his condemnation of New Line's Kiwi meal ticket seemed even more foolish after Jackson responded with nothing but professionalism. There was no call to "Larry King Live" from an airborne private jet. Instead, Jackson stated that he regretted that Shaye had chosen to make their dispute "personal." All that was missing really was a teary-eyed Miss New Zealand.

Heather Locklear: So blondes have more fun, huh? Reports said that Locklear's ex, Richie Sambora may be planning to tie the knot with Bond girl Denise Richards this summer, possibly in the city of Milan. Well, sources tell TMZ that this is positively not true. In order to put the best PR spin on this, the recent star of the ABC-TV movie "Women of a Certain Age" has two basic options in the face of her ten-years-younger replacement: 1) Convince David Spade to say "I do" at the Malibu home of his pal Adam Sandler; or, 2) Show up at the front door of Charlie Sheen's place dressed in a cheerleader outfit.

Tomi Rae Hynie
: When the will of late soul singer James Brown was read this past Thursday, the former back-up singer and mother of five-year-old James Jr. was further thrust into a Hex Machine. Locked out of the house, and now locked out of the estate, Hynie appears headed for that sad fraternity of rock and soul folks who have suddenly been left holding a brand new bag. Shades of Jimi Hendrix Jr., who had to beg, borrow and steal money to buy a suit and new shoes when he traveled from Sweden to the USA to fight for his share. Hynie better prepare herself now for the prospect of paying for two admissions to Brown's Beech Island, SC residence, which the family hopes to turn into a Graceland-style shrine. Yeah, we know; life can be a Beech.

Gail Berman, Allison Shearmur
: On the west side of town, Amy Pascal is solidly ensconced as Chairman of Sony Pictures, in the frothy wake of a year during which her studio bested its own industry-best domestic box office mark of 2002, with a record haul of $1,573 billion. But further east, in the shadow of the Hollywood sign, Paramount Pictures President Berman and Co-President Shearmur were treated this week like chump change, with not even the benefit of a session with Dr. Phil on the way out -- to figure out where it all went wrong. Thanks to "Dreamgirls" and "Babel," Paramount boss Brad Grey is having a pretty good run at awards season. Although he was denied a producer credit on "The Departed," there's no doubt that these two gals have no quarrel as to who is ultimately responsible for their departure.

This Week's Biggest Losers 01/06/07

1/6/2007 4:00 AM PST
Who needs "The Twilight Zone" when you've got The Zone? In our dimension of substance and shadow, a pop tart can turn into a bumpkin at the stroke of midnight, a billionaire can brawl with a lesbian, and celebs of all shapes and sizes can -- at any moment -- fall flat on their expensively exfoliated faces.

Marilyn Manson:
Seven years of courtship, one year of marriage and now, apparently, an unknown number of irreconcilable differences. Playboy model and current make-up cover girl Dita Von Tiese is apparently letting the shock rocker know she no longer wants him to be her MAC daddy, leading wags to immediately speculate as to who will get custody of the eyeliner. There are also a couple of dogs and cats in the mix, but the real question for us is whether or not MM (aka Brian Warner) will be inspired to put his own hard-drinking, three-quarter beat spin on that old Barenaked Ladies classic. Let's all hum it together now: "Lying in bed, just like Brian Warner did..."

Cameron Diaz: On the Internet, Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg continue to tear it up with their music video spoof D*ck in a Box, which has rocketed to the top of YouTube's all-time most viewed list. Reports on the mean streets of L.A. say that the singer has let it be known that Diaz is no longer his number one with a bullet. On the plus side, this could now leave Diaz free to hookup with fellow blonde bombshell Owen Wilson, who got the pink slip from Kate Hudson just a few weeks ago (imagine the nickname possibilities for that couple: the Barbie Twins, the Butterscotch Rapscallions...). Then again, maybe we're headed for more of a "Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice" twist, what with Timberlake reportedly celebrating New Year's Eve at Hudson's house. First, Tom Green and Drew Barrymore -- now this. If bad luck does come in threes, Lucy Liu might want to stop checking her text messages for a while.

Josh Schwartz: Not too long ago, at the tender age of 26, this USC Film School grad was the youngest-ever creator of a hit TV show. But somehow, in just a few short years, he has allowed "The OC" to jump the San Clemente shark. Although Schwartz insists the February finale of Season Four will be the conclusion he "always planned to do," the fate of this Fox franchise is, above all, a powerful reminder of why the late Aaron Spelling chose to anchor his super sexy soaps in zip codes a little further north. Think about it: If Brandon (Jason Priestley) and Kelly (Jennie Garth) had made it their mission to settle down in Mission Viejo, or Donna (Tori Spelling) had worked at a Sunglass Hut in Seal Beach, would that Fox show have lasted a decade? Hell NO.

Tom Sizemore: It may have been a good year at the domestic box office, but the first week of January is also the time when Tinseltown number crunchers give up the bowwow to go along with all that boffo. And apparently, something called "Zyzzyx Road" set a record not just for '06, but for all-time. This independent thriller, which had Sizemore co-starring alongside "Grey's Anatomy" lesson Katherine Heigl, failed to even cover the cost of a bowl of M&M's on the craft service table, raking in a whopping $20 its first weekend and another $10 the following frame. Apparently, word of mouth from first weekend ticket buyers wasn't so good, resulting in a 50% drop-off. More than ever at the Multiplex, Sizemore does not matter.

Megan Mullally: Along with the news that the surf really is up at "The OC" and that Geraldo will no longer be at large, there was also the laugh track-less bit about the former "Will & Grace" sidekick getting kicked to the side of the daytime gabfest curb. A hit with neither straight nor gay viewers (she averaged a lowly 0.8 Nielsen rating), Mullally gave it her all. But in the end, all that came of it was more fodder for "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno's "We're number 4" jokes (parent company NBC Universal is producer and distributor of the show). If only the woman once beloved as Karen Walker had been given the chance to go on air and tell The Donald that she sides with The Rosie. Then maybe she would have been able to avoid the ignominy of, "You're fired!"

This Week's Biggest Losers 12/30/06

12/30/2006 11:59 AM PST
In some ways, this weekend is all about Vegas, from Michael Jackson's rumored return, to the New Year's Eve bashes hosted by Pam Anderson, Kid Rock and Britney. But as these Strip partiers make their hazy resolutions, they should bear in mind that what happens in the Zone definitely doesn't stay in the Zone.

Rosie O'Donnell: Last week, to the consternation of some of our readers, we dinged The Donald because we felt his behavior was akin to that of the schoolyard bully picking on the fat girl. What a difference a week of blogging makes. Although Rosie had a perfect opportunity, post-Christmas, to surf away from it all and let "the combover" continue to blow hard in the wind, she crossed the Moving Type line by labeling him "a pimp." In one of many subsequent retort interviews given by Trump, he went here: "Can you imagine the parents of Kelli [O'Donnell]... when she said, 'Mom, Dad, I just fell in love with a big, fat pig named Rosie.' Can you imagine the expression on their face?"

Mike Tyson: On the plus side, when Tyson was pulled over in Scottsdale at 1:45 AM Friday morning and slapped with a DUI, he did not go on a rant and blame caucasians for all wars. On the minus side, this is just the latest in a very long line of infractions that began with a purse-snatching arrest in Brooklyn when he was 12. By our rough estimation, this is -- on the heels of "Rocky Balboa" -- also about major infraction number VI for the one-time heavyweight boxing champ. However, unlike Rocky's latest tangle with opponent Mason "The Line" Dixon, Tyson could go down for the count here, again, because Maricopa County Sheriff's Department referees found traces of "the line" on Mike's dashboard.

Nicole Kidman: Kidman has stood by her man through thick and thin -- and rehab. But, if charges leveled this week at Keith Urban by 23-year-old Amanda Wyatt are true, it could be the last straw in the Stetson hat. The part-time Nashville model, who was paid for an interview with British tabloid The Daily Mail, said her down and dirty dallying with Urban lasted all the way through the singer's courtship with Nicole, encompassing everything from lascivious text messages to using a cornucopia of drugs. Urban's publicist, Paul Freundlich, has dismissed the accusations as "fiction." Even if these claims fade away, it's just one more reminder for Kidman that when you're a celebrity, you just have to get "Used to the Pain" of rumormongers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: The Governator is not on our list because of his misfortune on the ski slopes of Sun Valley. As they say in Austria (and some corners of Gold's Gym in Venice): die scheisse happens! No, we're tagging Arnold for not taking advantage of his PR cloak of secrecy, an M.O. that meant reporters weren't even aware that he was in Idaho in the first place. Instead of explaining that his broken leg was caused by getting tangled up with a ski pole while stationary, his people should have spun something along the lines of tumbling down a Black Diamond trail while attempting a "triple Schnitzel." Arnold should remember from his Hollywood days: If it doesn't feel right, it's time to rewrite!

Britney Spears: What would a year of TMZ Loser lore be without one more before-midnight mention of the Pantyless Princess? Just plain wrong, that's what! As first reported by TMZ, the website is planning to make good on a New Year's resolution in '07: they're K-Fed-up as hell and they're not going to take it anymore -- and they're dumping Britney. While webmaster Reuben Garay and pal Carolina say they plan to redirect their Internet efforts toward a more generic celebrity-focused blog, there is good news of sorts for everyone's favorite BS gal ... although the web domain is already taken (it points appropriately enough to an adult site by the name of, appears to be for sale via a domain squatter in Washington state. Consider it an investment in your future, B-girl!

This Week's Biggest Losers 12/23/06

12/23/2006 2:01 PM PST
With the line between beauty pageants and Girls Gone Wild now completely blurred, maybe NBC should have Joe Francis host the next Miss USA telecast. In advance of that tantalizing prospect, here are the finalists for the sparkling TMZ tiara.
Donald Trump: Apparently, last winter's squabble with Martha Stewart was only a warm-up. In what can only be interpreted as a delirious desire to prevent anything from soiling the January 7 debut of Season 6 of "The Apprentice," The Donald relocated this week to the Trump Glower, and hurled down an unbelievable stream of invective at the rosiest rabble-rouser of "The View." O'Donnell, meanwhile, has cut and pasted some rather unflattering Wikipedia info about Trump into her blog, adding that she will let readers know "if kelli leaves me for one of his pals." This is David Gest vs. Liza Minnelli on Viagra and estrogen, an East Coast battle that suddenly renders the premiere of tonight's new E! special "30 Most Outrageous Celebrity Feuds" moot.

Ivy Supersonic: Okay, it's not quite on the level of Rosie vs. The Donald, but we're still getting a kick out the wonky ways this hottie and hat-designer-to-the-stars continues to amp up her beef with News Corp. Chairman Rupert Murdoch. In case you missed it, Supersonic has been fighting in New York's Court of Appeals to prove that Murdoch's 20th Century Fox stole, from right Down Under her nose, the "Ice Age" animated character of Scrat. She isn't going to win the hearts of any would-be jurors with appearances like this week's disheveled Howard Stern drop-by. During the program, both Stern and Robin Quivers expressed concern about Supersonic's mental health, and a blogful of plaintiff well-wishers notwithstanding, Supersonic definitely came across as an acorn short of an iceberg.

Harvey & Bob Weinstein: A spokesperson for The Weinstein Company proudly boasted that releasing "genre films" during the holiday season is an unabashed company tradition. But following last Xmas' serial killer import, "Wolf Creek," religious groups are howling over this Monday's release of the Michelle Trachtenberg/Lacey Chabert slasher flick, "Black Christmas." The house that Gwyneth built is having quite the litigious holiday, what with Bob Dylan suing to prevent the brothers' "Factory Girl" -- featuring a Dylan-like character played by Hayden Christensen -- from hitting theaters December 29. One can only assume that on the first day of next Christmas, the Weinsteins will be checking the box office grosses for "A Pervert in a Pear Tree."

Bonnie Fuller, Janice Min: You may not know the names, but you sure as heck know the magazines. Fuller and Min, the respective Managing Editors of Star and US Weekly magazines, woke up Friday morning to the news that Vanity Fair -- after horning in on their Brad-Jen territory -- is apparently poised to be the exclusive first purveyor of Britney's K-Fed confessions. Then again, rumors earlier this year that Britney was going to pull a Demi on the cover of the magazine soon petered-out into a fully clothed cross-town Elle photo shoot. Now, with the Jen-fronted September 2006 issue of Vanity Fair ranking as the magazine's all-time bestseller, and Britney potentially set for a new '07 mark, it could be only a matter of time before K-Fed sits down with Charlie Rose for the full hour.

Robert DeNiro
: Speaking of horning in on someone's territory, the month of December is supposed to be a time of highbrow Oscar contenders, not low-level Stallone sequels. Meanwhile, as you read this, "Rocky Balboa," in 2,752 theaters, is applying a surprising box-office knockout punch to the Raging Bull's second directorial effort, "The Good Shepherd," is playing on 2,182 screens. True, any movie that has Angelina Jolie as its significant other, rather than Burt Young, can't be considered a total loss (she is simply ravishing in glossy red lipstick and lace summer dress). Although DeNiro was only joking when he said at a Tuesday L.A. screening that the CIA had funded his film, a part of him probably now wishes the agency could at least handle the "Rocky Balboa" exit polling.
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