I'm a former Soviet nuclear physicist who was sadly channged to my present altered state during a tragic love affair with a toad who was a practitioner of the dark arts. When I succeed in escaping the barbed wire and the guard dogs I plan to hop over to university and find a way to change myself into something useful, like perhaps a honey badger or a pelican. I can also type with my eyes closed. There's that too.
Chewing through my restraints, catching flies with my tongue, picking lint from the webs between my toes, watching cartoons on the telly