***WARNING: THIS VIDEO CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE***

Kris Humphries KNOWS he's been tagged a douchebag ... he KNOWS people are laughing at him ... but now, he's finally getting in on the joke.

KH just completed a video for FunnyOrDie.com ... in which he tries to capitalize on the fact he's the most hated player in the NBA ... the kind of guy most Americans want to "punch in the face."

In the clip, two "agents" give Kris a crash course in how to cash in on his d-bagness -- with products that include a video game which allows haters to repeatedly "kick you in the d**k."

"No points or anything ... just d**k kicking."

And it gets BETTER -- during the sketch, there's a veiled shot at Kanye West ... as Kris dons KW's trademark shutter sunglasses in an effort to look like a "douchebag."

But one of the agents quickly tells Kris to ditch the shades ... saying, "We don't want you to look like an a**hole ... we just want you to look like a douchebag." Snap.

Kris Humphries is the opposite of upset over his divorce from Kim Kardashian -- he's loving the attention ... so says Kim's lawyer.

Disso-Queen Laura Wasser appeared in court today, saying there has been no progress in settling the spoils over the 72-day marriage.  Kind of ridiculous, since there was an iron-clad prenup in which Kris and Kim have all of their assets separated.  Kris is challenging the prenup, claiming Kim defrauded him by allegedly tying the knot ONLY for TV ratings -- good luck with that.

Wasser told the judge ... media attention and Kris' personal feelings seem to be keeping the case alive.  Translation -- he wants the publicity of a drawn-out divorce.

The judge said depositions are now fair game, which means Kim can now be deposed about her motivations for marrying the b-baller.

Wasser also said Kim will be requesting that Kris pay her attorney's fees if they have to go to trial on Kris' fraud allegations and she wins.

BTW, the judge mentioned there's a dispute over jewelry.

Kris Humphries' date with 16-year-old cancer patient Kaely Kwitek has the NBA star smitten ... so much so that he's in it for the long haul.

As TMZ previously reported ... Kaely -- who is battling stage 4 anaplastic large-cell lymphoma --  was invited to be Humphries' guest of honor at a Nets game ... once he found out it was her dream to hang out with the NBA superstar.

Sources close to Kris tell TMZ ... after meeting Kaely following the Nets game on April 23, he is determined use his star power to help raise money for the 16-year-old, in order to help her family with the staggering financial costs.

We're told Humphries is also excited to get the teenager to as many games as possible next season, since Kaely said the unforgettable experience lifted her spirits tremendously.

Kaely's trip wasn't all roses ... the Nets lost by 18.

Kris Humphries is so over his soon-to-be ex-wife Kim Kardashian ... that he is completely indifferent to the news she is dating Kanye West, sources close to Kris tell TMZ. 

According to our sources, Kris is focused on the divorce being finalized, he isn't bothered at all by Kim's new relationship. We're told that with each passing day, Kris is more sure than ever that Kim doesn't represent the things he believes in ... and he's just ready to put this in the past.

As for Kanye's assertion that he could have pal Jay-Z kick him off the Nets -- forgetting that Jay doesn't really even make personnel decisions ... sources close to Kris say Jigga is one of his biggest fans and the two have always been cool with each other at games.

99 problems, but Kanye ain't one.
 

Being with Kris Humprhies may not be Kim Kardashian's wish anymore, but it is for a 16-year-old cancer patient in upstate NY ... and the NBA star is making it come true, TMZ has learned.

Friends of Kaely Kwitek started a Twitter account called @Kris4Kaely in an effort to get the attention of Kaely's favorite basketball player. Kwitek has stage 4 anaplastic large-cell lymphoma and her friends were hoping to wrangle Kris for a benefit for Kaely in May.

Their persistence paid off and Kris noticed. After trading a few emails, Kris and Kaely decided on April 23 for her to come down and catch a Nets game as Kris' guest. He'll handle all expenses for Kaely and her family and even meet up with her after the game.

Kris tells TMZ, "I'm truly honored that someone with much larger things on their plate feels that my involvement in their cause is important. Not many of us can be as strong as she has been. I hope that many more will join me and support Team Kaely."

Kris Humphries has filed legal docs ... asking a judge to reinforce the obvious -- that Kim Kardashian has a duty to disclose how much money the couple raked in during their 72-day marriage. But Kris is also challenging Kim's right to give away money that represents what they made in wedding gifts.

Kris' lawyer wants the court to reinforce that Kim has a duty to deal with him fairly and in good faith ... and that includes giving him a full accounting of the assets and liabilities accumulated during the marriage.

In the docs, Kris' lawyer writes, "A spouse may not make a gift of community personal property, or dispose of community personal property for less than fair and reasonable value, without the written consent of the other spouse." 

It appears the lawyer is referring to Kim keeping the wedding gifts but giving double the value to charity.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are both willing to end their marriage with an annulment, but each is insisting that the other confess to fraud -- and that's what is holding up their settlement.

Sources connected to the former couple tell TMZ ... Kim would be happy to annul the marriage, if Kris will admit he defrauded her by promising to live with her in Hollywood and then demanding that she move to Minnesota -- something we told you about last October.

As we first reported, Kris wants Kim to admit fraud -- that she never had any intention of making this a real marriage ... something Kim has adamantly denied.

We're told Kim will open the vault and spend anything it takes to win this case if Kris insists that she confesses fraud.

As for money ... we've already told you Kris is demanding $7 million from Kim -- something Kim thinks is absurd since he MADE money off the wedding and the reality show PLUS they have a prenup which gives Kris a big fat zero.

Sources extremely close to Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries tell TMZ ... Kris is full of B.S. when he says he didn't cash in on their wedding -- they say he's already profited handsomely and his greed is now being exposed.

TMZ broke the story ... Kris claims all the the money he and Kim made from the wedding and surrounding events went into a joint bank account and he hasn't taken a penny. But our sources say ... not true.

According to sources, Kris -- who raked in a million bucks from the wedding and somewhere between $250,000 and $300,000 for his appearances on the reality show -- HAS withdrawn some of his loot ... but he spent a big chunk of the withdrawal on the wedding and Kim's ring.

Sources close to the ex-couple tell us, the money Kris made on the realty show was transferred directly into one of his business accounts ... separate from Kim.

Our sources say the joint account is now frozen until a judge decides who gets what, but bottom line ... Kris is bellyaching about money he has never been denied.

Sources close to Kris Humphries say he has no beef with the story we posted yesterday -- that he made a bundle off of his wedding to Kim Kardashian -- but according to Kris' camp ... the bballer hasn't seen a penny and Kim has it all.

We're told before they were hitched ... Kim and Kris opened a joint account in which they deposited all the money they made from the wedding and other ventures. Our sources say Kris did indeed get money for selling wedding photos and appearing on the Kardashian reality show ... but they say all that money went into the joint account and Kris never got any of it.

Here's what's perplexing. Since it was a joint account, Kris would have as much access to the money as Kim. But sources connected to Kris say he's never attempted to withdraw any of it.

As we reported yesterday ... Kris wants millions from Kim as part of the divorce settlement, even though they were together in marriage for only 72 days. 

Sources close to Kris tell us ... he doesn't even care about the money -- all he wants is an annulment. 

Problem for Kris is .... in order to get an annulment, he has to prove the marriage was fraudulent, and that's going to be tough.

Kris' lawyer had no comment.

Kris Humphries is secretly demanding $7 MILLION from Kim Kardashian to walk away from their marriage ... TMZ has learned.

Sources directly connected to Kris tell TMZ ... the bballer -- through his Minnesota lawyer -- has given Kim an ultimatum ... either pay up, or endure an ugly, public trial.

Our sources say Kris and his lawyer have been told to pound sand, and with good reason.

For starters, even if there wasn't a prenup, the marriage lasted a grand total of 72 days, so the community property wouldn't be in the universe of $7 mil.

Second, there was an iron-clad prenup, which provided that Kim owes Kris zilch.

Third, Kris actually MADE MONEY from the marriage. Sources tell us ... Kris raked in around $1 mil from the wedding and the TV special that showcased the nuptials. And Kris made off like a bandit because Kim ended up using a portion of what she got to pay for the ring.

In addition, we're told Kris made somewhere between $250,000 and $300,000 from the Kardashian reality show.

Looks like the Bank of Kardashian is officially closed.

Kris Humphries has filed legal documents in his divorce case appointing himself as his own lawyer ... TMZ has learned.

Kris -- who makes $8 mil a year with the New Jersey Nets -- wanted his Minnesota business lawyer to rep him in the Kim Kardashian divorce. But in California, an out-of-state lawyer must have a local attorney by his side. So Kris hired a Los Angeles lawyer.

But we found out the L.A. lawyer has withdrawn from the case, so the Minnesota lawyer doesn't have a sponsor anymore. Translation: Mr. Minnesota is persona non grata in court.

As if that's not bad enough for Kris ... guess who he's squaring off with in court? That would be disso-queen Laura Wasser, one of the most powerful divorce lawyers in Hollywood with a celeb roster that includes Britney Spears, Maria Shriver, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Reynolds, Kiefer Sutherland, Stevie Wonder ... get the picture.

Bottom line -- Kris has no chance on this court ...


A source close to Kris tells TMZ ... the bballer does not intend to rep himself. His Minnesota lawyer will look for another sponsor. And this is rich ... we're told the Minnesota lawyer is telling people he's not afraid of Laura Wasser because he's tried hundreds of cases.