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Chris D'Elia has a wild tale that's almost too funny to believe ... a local cashier hooked him up with toilet paper 'cause of his celebrity, treating perforation like precious pounds of pot.

The comedian took to Instagram Saturday with his story, telling his followers that he casually strolled into an L.A.-area store -- didn't say which one -- and asked the dude at the front if they had any toilet paper in stock ... a question that's become all too common these days.

Chris says the guy started acting super shady, and then led him to the back of the store ... where he claims he emerged with a 24-pack of top-notch TP, which was clearly being hidden/hoarded from the general public. The guy allegedly told Chris he was a big fan.

Not just that ... but Chris says the fella gave him the whole pack for free -- how 'bout that?!? As CD puts it ... he'll be sh***ing pretty for weeks to come. Hooray!!!

Chris says he knew his comedy would pay off at some point, and it sounds like it has during these most trying of times. And, as far as toilet paper becoming just as coveted as drugs ... something like this has been predicted before by the great Robin Williams.

People say the coronavirus pandemic has had a seismic impact on our way of life -- and they're 1,000% right ... because seismologists are noticing how damn quiet it's gotten.

A geologist and seismologist named Thomas Lecocq, who works at an observatory in Brussels, Belgium, has noted the change in the vibrations he and his colleagues were recording from the Earth's surface -- saying they've reduced significantly since mid-March.

Of course, that's when most everyone else outside of China -- which was already grappling with the outbreak since at least February, if not sooner -- started implementing stay-at-home orders, quarantining guidelines, and in some cases ... nationwide mandatory lockdowns.

The Belgium study goes on to say vibrations in that immediate area caused by human activity has fallen by at least a third in recent weeks, which means people aren't driving on the roads, walking about ... or cranking their machines nearly as much as they normally do.

Needless to say, that same finding is probably being seen around other parts of the world, including here in the U.S., where we're always zooming around, especially on the coasts.

It's fascinating -- the seismologists in Brussels say the phenomenon is actually helping them pay more close attention to important stuff ... like incoming earthquakes, exact aftershock locations, oceanic noise and tectonic plate shifts they usually couldn't easily detect.

Former UFC Middleweight Champ and current analyst Michael Bisping went ham on a fellow MMA fighter, calling him "a f***ing absolute moron" for minimizing the danger of the coronavirus.

Bisping just posted a blistering attack on the fighter known as Mind of the Warrior, who tweeted, "The solution is worse then [sic] the disease. Wake up dude."

Of course, Mind of the Warrior was parroting what Trump said recently ... it's why for a few days he was recklessly trying to re-open the country in a week ... which would have all but made economic ruin a certainly.

Bisping went wild, saying, "You are a f***ing absolute moron. Look around, people are dying at an alarming rate. You and people with your STUPID view are the problem. You selfish piece of s**t. I've wanted to say this to many people for a while."

A British actor known for playing Jesus in various films has the coronavirus and is extremely upset his country's quarantining rules are putting people at extreme risk.

Adam Bond is in a Malaysian hospital ... he's been there for weeks. Adam was filming his 7th movie in which he plays Jesus.

He must have felt something, because last month he asked to be tested, but he was refused. Adam persisted, and he says producers paid for a private test that came back positive. He was hospitalized, and he's going on 20-days in the facility.

Adam is clear ... he says if he didn't get tested he would have interacted with scores of people while shooting the movie, flown home and possibly infected people on the plane, and then, scariest of all, he has a flatmate with cancer and believes they would have died.

But Adam is most upset with the UK's policy of quarantining for 7 days. He's been in the hospital for 19 days with no clear end in sight.

Getting your food in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic is getting downright robotic.

There's been a seismic shift in interest in self-delivering robots in the last few weeks. Serve -- a self-delivery robot for Postmates -- has been out and about delivering grub to hungry customers.

Postmates introduced Serve last December, and there's obvious new-found interest in the contraption. For now, they're meant to travel only short distances.

BTW ... check out the vid ... it looks like the robot's eyes blink at 10 seconds and then again at 21 seconds.

This little doggy does a double-take when it sees the newfangled machine tooling down the street with purpose.

As for cool features ... Serve can carry 50 lbs of food and it travels 30 miles on a single charge.

Serve communicates with dynamic lighting in the eyes ... a light ring on top signals movement, like a change in direction.

BTW ... Serve's not the only game in town. Starship Technologies created a delivery robot that is already making the rounds in the U.K.

Ok ... it was inevitable, right? Newborn twins have just been named ... Covid and Corona.

Preeti Verma gave birth to a boy (Covid) and a girl (Corona) and decided to name the twins after the virus, because they wanted "to spread happiness, not fear" ... the proud papa, Vimay Verma, tells TMZ.

The babies were born March 27th at the Ambedkar Memorial Hospital in Raipur, India. The mother told a newspaper in India that she had difficulty during the delivery so she and her husband wanted to make it "memorable." That they did.

Some people were shocked by the choices, but the couple vows they will not change the names of their newborns.

Masks alone don't cut it for this dude ... because he ventured out onto the mean streets of Manchester dressed as a "Star Wars" Stormtrooper!!!

It's understandable -- people in England are battling the virus like everyone else -- and this guy was taking no chances as he was taking his pooch for a walk.

It's amusing and at the same time really scary ... hard to know if he's just jk'ing or if he's genuinely freaked out that a droplet or a sneeze could do him in.

One thing you can say for sure ... Americans are united in their love and appreciation for the first responders, hospital doctors and nurses who are risking their lives to save others, and New Yorkers showed their emotions Friday night at eardrum-shattering levels.

NYC residents came out in force at around 7 PM and started a metal drumbeat ... banging pots and pans as they stood on their balconies or by their windows to show how they feel about their hospital heroes.

It's becoming a nightly tradition and, appropriately, it's getting louder and louder by the night.

The new movement, #ClapBecauseWeCare, has seen first responders in the city applauded and serenaded to thank them.

LaMelo Ball's barber took ZERO chances when it came to cutting the Big Baller's hair during the COVID-19 outbreak ... he showed up to trim Melo's head IN A FULL HAZMAT SUIT!!

We kid you not ... Philly Barber -- the famous hair guy for stars like Melo, Saquon Barkley and Patrick Mahomes -- tells TMZ Sports Melo was in desperate need of a cut, but with the global pandemic going down ... he had serious reservations about slinging around the razors.

"He kept approaching me and I was like, 'Look, man, there's a lot going on right now,'" Philly says. "'We gotta practice being safe, dude.'"

But on Tuesday this week, Philly gave in and went to cut the 18-year-old's hair ... but made sure he was doing it safely -- rockin' gloves, protective goggles, a mask and a hazmat suit!

"Melo is like a brother to me and the last thing I want to see, to your wife or to any family members, you don't want to see them affected by this," Philly says.

"I did what I had to do and it looked crazy, bro."

Philly eventually got the job done ... and Melo thought it was all pretty hilarious, saying, "My boy came in here lookin' -- I'm weak!"

Pretty funny, right? But, Philly tells us he's just glad everyone came out of the cut safely ... even if the outfit had him hot as hell during the job.

As for how the cut turned out ... doesn't seem Melo was complaining about the look -- and Philly told us, "It actually really worked out."

Restrictions on fertility procedures, coupled with a freeze on foreign travel due to the coronavirus, are drying up a bankable swath of the baby-making business ... TMZ has learned.

Right now, fresh or frozen embryo transfers, in vitro fertilization and pretty much all elective surgeries are being scrapped as U.S. fertility clinics follow guidelines released by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.

A rep there tells us, the financial pain is being felt industrywide ... but even more so with clinics relying heavily on international clientele.

Our sources say many of the parent hopefuls from foreign countries are older Chinese nationals paying large sums for surrogate pregnancies, ever since the government tossed its one-child only policy back in 2015.

We're told these so-called "fertility tourists” flock to the U.S. to procreate, often because of relaxed surrogacy laws in several states. The conception costs aren't cheap, though -- experts tell us egg donations can fetch between $50k and $80k and surrogacy pregnancies run around $90k to $140,000.

John Wilcox, an endocrinologist at the California-headquartered Huntington Reproductive Center tells us ... "A third of our patients come from China and it’s a major part of our revenue stream." Their clinics also serve folks from Australia and Canada, but travel's closed off for those folks too.

He says consultations are still being conducted over WeChat with Chinese clients, but he fears the industry will take a big hit until international travel is restored.

Likewise, The Fertility Center of Las Vegas is a hub for patients jetting in from Europe and Australia, in addition to China, so these days ... they’re feeling the baby blues.

Smaller clinics are also feeling the procreating pinch. Dr. Danielle Lane of the Lane Fertility Clinic in San Francisco says she's noticed a marked drop-off, especially with foreigners ... as 15 percent of their volume is from China.