If you've never seen the Verne Troyer sex tape, then you are about to watch the worst thing ever recorded ... Tanning Mom's music video.

As TMZ first reported, Patricia Krentcil inexplicably decided to record a pop song entitled "It's Tan Mom" ... figuring if Octomom did it, so could she.

Now TMZ has gotten our hands on the music video for the song ... and it's an absolute nightmare.

If you don't go blind in the first minute, be sure to watch around 2:00 mark ... when Krentcil just completely gives up on trying to sing along with the track.

It's so bad, it's amazing.

Bad news: Tanning Mom Patricia Krentcil is going to be in porn.
Good news: She won't be having sex with anyone.

Sources close to the SPF -5 mom tell TMZ ... Krentcil first offered up her services to Vivid Entertainment, but they wisely passed. But Lucas Entertainment, a company that produces a series of gay porn called "Kings of New York," became interested ... and cast Krentcil in their latest episode. 

According to our sources, the role is just a cameo and Krentcil will be paid $1,000 for just a few hours work. Most importantly, we're told Krentcil will be fully clothed for the shoot and there is NO sex involved.

Whew, that was close.

Just when you thought looking at "Tanning Mom" Patricia Krentcil was the worst thing you could put yourself through -- TMZ has now obtained a snippet of her new song ... which will do for your ears what these photos did to your eyes.

The song, called "It's Tan Mom," will come out in iTunes on Monday morning. We're told Krentcil figured if Octomom could release a song, she could do one better.

We dare you to listen.

Seriously, WE DARE YOU.

Tanning Mom Patricia Krentcil wants more than a sun kiss ... she wants to get plowed in a full-on porno -- for a hefty price.

TMZ has obtained an email sent to Vivid Entertainment's Prez Steve Hirsch, in which the 45-year-old leatherette says, "I see you are trying to buy this sex tape from this Teen Mom.  Well, if you REALLY want to make more MONIES, then I would agree to let you film me and all my hotness."

Krentcil, oblivious to shame, goes on:  "I am far MORE popular and WAY HOTTER than Farrah!"  And there's more ... "Men want a cougar and a real woman, not a teenybopper."

But sex -- and Krentcil -- do not come cheap.  She makes it clear to the Vivid honcho, "Contact me back if you're ready to talk serious cash and rock the world."

Sad ending.  Hirsch sent a return email, telling T.M., "Unfortunately we don't have a granny porn section on Vivid.com, but we feel your look would be perfect for radio. You could talk about everything you've ever done on a tanning bed."

It's hard for a nice piece of leather to find work.

The environmental effects wreaked on the ecosystem are still unknown after a somewhat pale Tanning Mom aka Patricia Krentcil attempted to bronze her luscious droopy topless flesh, balloon knot belly button and tatted up vadge in an unfortunate silver bikini on a quarantined New Jersey beach yesterday.

Since getting off the hook for allegedly bringing her 5-year-old into a tanning booth, Patty -- who says she's 45 years old -- is now choosing to shrivel up like a raisin with the help of the natural sun.

To avoid damage, protective eyewear should be worn at all times.

It's about damn time New Jersey banned children from tanning -- at least without parental permission -- this according to the face of the biggest underage tanning scandal in history.

Tanning Mom Patricia Krentcil got emotional on the street yesterday ... telling TMZ, she fully supports Governor Chris Christie's new "Tan Mom Law" that bans anyone under 17 from going to tanning salons without a parental stamp of approval.

Patricia tells us, "I don't think children ever should tan ... I believe that it should be something that's spoken about and now it's been rectified after I went through a year of mockery for something I never would do and did not do."

Quick recap: Patricia was arrested last year on child endangerment charges after being accused of putting her 5-year-old in a tanning booth. Patricia denied the charges from the beginning, and a grand jury opted not to indict her.

Now, Patricia -- who says she's stopped tanning since her arrest -- tells us, "It makes me sick when I go by a tanning place." She has a LOT more to say as well ... and even bashes her hometown for turning on her. You gotta watch.

Tanning Mom is officially out of the hot seat with authorities ... after a grand jury refused to indict the human raisin for allegedly forcing her 5-year-old daughter into a tanning bed last year. 

Tanning Mom -- real name Patricia Krentcil -- had been arrested on suspicion of violating New Jersey's child endangerment laws ... which bans children under the age of 14 from using tanning salons.

Krentcil had denied ever bringing the kid into the tanning bed ... claiming the burn marks on her daughter's legs came from the sun ... on a really warm day.

The case went to a grand jury ... which decided there was not enough evidence to convict the 44-year-old trainwreck of a crime ... and now the case against her is dead.

The Oompa Loompas couldn't be reached for comment.

Tanning Mom just gave the craziest criminal defense of all time ... telling TMZ, those child endangerment charges will never stick ... all because her daughter is a red-head.

Patricia Krentcil was outside a pharmacy in New York Saturday (looking a little less tan) when our camera guy got her rambling about an array of subjects, including her ongoing criminal case.

The video is pretty hilarious ... the 44-year-old explains why she'll never be convicted by those "idiots"... for allegedly letting her 6-year-old daughter use an indoor tanning bed.

Trust us ... it's classic.

Tanning Mom Patricia Krentcil could barely stay upright last night at a gay NYC nightclub -- stumbling all over the place, laughing hysterically, flashing her panties ... and it was all caught on tape.

Seriously, words can't describe how wasted she was -- in fact, the 44-year-old mother was so messed up ... she had to be escorted off the stage because she kept trying to snatch the MC's mic away.

It's really awkward. The guy's expression says it all.

Krentcil had been invited to the midtown XL Nightclub to host the weekly "Hot Mess" party -- appropriately named -- but her hosting duties were cut short because she was so out of it. 

You'll recall, Tanning Mom was charged with child endangerment earlier this year after allegedly bringing her daughter to a tanning salon. She pled not guilty.

Unfortunately, there's no pleading out of this one.

The owner of the salon where Tanning Mom allegedly scorched her 5-year-old's skin plans to fight $5,200 in fines levied by the local health department -- TMZ has learned.

The Department of Health and Senior Services in Nutley, NJ announced today ... it's fining City Tropics Tanning for violations including consumer overexposure and misusing sunlamp equipment.

According to the health department, inspectors discovered the salon's customers were exceeding the legal weekly limit for UV exposure.

But City Tropics owner Anthony Ruccatano tells TMZ he's refusing to pay -- and wants to take the health department to court over the fine.

Ruccatano insists his business never broke the law and wants a judge to dismiss the fine entirely.

Calls to the health department weren't returned.

Brace yourself -- Tanning Mom used to be white, and kinda hot ... at least she was in a series of glamour pics she posed for in an attempt to break into the world of modeling.

Way back when TM, aka Patricia Krentcil, was in her 20s (think T-Rex) -- and before she turned her now infamous shade of leathery brown -- she took this headshot along with some cleavage-baring swimwear photos.

Krentcil, 44, has pled not guilty to child endangerment ... saying she never took her 5-year-old daughter into a tanning booth. The case has been sent to a grand jury.


As for the glamour pics -- there are some doubts about whether the face has been photoshopped onto a hot body. For what it's worth ... our experts say it has been airbrushed, but the head appears to belong to the bod.