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The Z List: This Week's Biggest Losers

8/12/2006 7:00 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF

Our latest edition of zeitgeist-less Zoners turns out to be an all-male revue. But unlike the gyrations of the Chippendale's gang, the shakes and shimmies of this bunch merit far less than a crumpled up wad of dollar bills. More like a couple of unvarnished wooden nickels.

Val Kilmer: The headline in the UK tabloid read "Val Kilmer Goes from Batman to Fatman." The accompanying photo of the 45-year-old actor, taken on a L.A. area beach, looked like a still from the never-made action movie, Top Gut. And the online reader comments included such observations as, "Great, now I look like a movie star" (John, Spain). But where Kilmer really stumbled was in having his PR reps take on this bit of folly with a straight face, telling the New York Post's Page Six, "Anybody can take an unflattering photo of a human being. It's a mean-spirited thing to do." Double boo hoo! So great as the snarky Gay Perry in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, Kilmer should have rolled with it and suggested instead that it was all part of his method preparation for playing a paparazzi photographer.

Richard Hatch: Two weeks into his 51-month stay at a minimum-security prison in Morgantown, West Virginia, the former Survivor winner complained in a phone interview with local newspaper The Dominion Post that he was unethically prosecuted and was having a hard time adjusting to incarceration. Sort of like the pot-bellied new inmate calling the mess hall kettle black. Boo hoo! Look, when you foolishly try to outwit, outlast and outplay the IRS – after unethically winning $1 million in front of a TV audience that likely included a majority of the agency's auditors – you're not going to elicit a lot of sympathy. Save it for the first chapter of that new book you said you're writing.

Jack Nicholson: Two years after purchasing the late Marlon Brando's $6.5 million Mulholland Drive home, which sits on the same palatial piece of compound property as his own, the actor has indicated he wants to tear it down. In its place, apparently, will be erected a huge flowerbed of frangipanis, the favorite flower of Buddhists. It's not so much that Nicholson appears to be going back on his word of keeping the abode in place for Brando's children. It's that he cited as his reason for doing so the prohibitive cost of renovating the dilapidated pad. When you've got more money than God, or at least all of the actors who've portrayed him - combined, you need to come up with a better excuse than that. Like say maybe making way for a Lakers practice court.

Stuart Townsend: When your girlfriend has won an Oscar, looks like Charlize Theron and once found time to co-star with you in a lesser romantic war drama (2004's Head in the Clouds), there should be no complaints. Even if she indicates she plans to be late for your funeral. According to belated reports that surfaced this week, Townsend was a major dunderhead prior to a recent Radiohead concert, taking offense that his South African goddess would dare to show up 45 minutes late for dinner at The Hungry Cat. Memo to Townsend: this puts you a whisker away from making her late, forever, and leading you to then become the embittered embodiment of your most recent cancelled TV series, The Night Stalker.

Todd Haynes: Imagine if, rather than Joaquin Phoenix, Johnny Cash had been played by seven different actors not really trying to look or sound like the Man in Black. That's the wacky conceit of writer-director Haynes' new Bob Dylan flick I'm Not There, currently shooting in Montreal. This week, new Joker Heath Ledger was announced as the latest male thesp who will be blowing in the runaway wind as the legendary folk singer. Haynes has apparently (we think) stopped short of including in his munificent seven co-star and frequent collaborator Julianne Moore, but c'mon. Not making a straight biopic about Dylan's incredible life is kind of like hiring Kevin Nealon to play Willie Nelson.

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who cares hes human everyone of us( if we are human) have times when are bodys where better but he is still hot. i must say a tan would look better and make you look a little bit smaller. love you val

2994 days ago

Diana Baker    

To be an actor must be the worst job in the world. You can't be your self while working and the rest of the time the press will lot let you be just 'you' at any time.

2994 days ago


Wasn't Val suppose to star as Male lead to Janet Jackson in "Two tubs from Tennesee".

2994 days ago


Are you sure that Jack Nicholson is going to be planting flowers. I heard that it was going to be a new pot patch.

2994 days ago


love it that Val is complaining about his weight only because some one found him.

He looks disgusting and more sad than how he looks is that hot girls would flock to him , to be with him because of his money and status. Plus telling him he is hot etc. He looks washed up and disgusting.

female ex fan

2994 days ago

No legs in Texas :(    

Ay Caramba, Mama Mia !!!!!!!!! No wonder we can't find Waldo, Val ate him!

2994 days ago


It's no crime that Val let himself go to fat, but it's laughable that his PR rep should insist he hasn't.

I saw about 6 other photos of him from the same instance at the beach ... and there's no question that he has a big gut, so it's not just one unflattering photo.

Rather than judge him though, I wonder if he hasn't been packing on pounds for a film role... it's been done by some other hunky male actors including George Clooney [Syriana] and Russell Crowe [The Insider].

2994 days ago

michael johnson    

About SHERRI's comments to Val:

Your childishness is so apparent. You talk of how "hot girls flock to him for his money and status" and this repulses you. Then, you say "he looks washed up and disgusting".

How sad that you expose your own shallow reality by saying he looks washed up and insinuate that getting with someone because they are not fat is somehow a healthy emotional attitude.

Perhaps his most recent work in "Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang" should be your guide as to whether he is washed up. I would submit that it was a great role and acted wonderfully.

Finally, money, status and hot looks have always been the trap laid for shallow silly women and you fell right in. We men are so much classier. We only require hot looks and loose morals from woman!

Perhaps in the future you will consider that some women may flock to Val because he is funny, or sensitive, or brash, or powerful, or any other number of the non-physical/financial traits.

Good luck to you in your quest for finding a man who is poor, has no status to speak of, and at 45 is not carrying any body-fat. That should lead to a very happy lie for you. (I'd hate to think what you feel about bald men. Perhaps a good combover suits you.)



2994 days ago

Black Sheep    

I don't believe that's Val Kilmers body and it's sad that everyone believes what they see and hear these days. Especially coming from a UK tab. Photoshop?

2994 days ago


Who cares what he looks like? What has he even done lately? He's 20 years older than his 'Top Gun' body. What bothered me about the guy was he was so unlikable due to his ego and difficulty to work with. He shot himself as far as his career goes.

2994 days ago


i've seen val in the locker room at my gym. uh, yes that's really his body... and for his package... so sad.

2994 days ago


I love Val Kilmar, he is a terrific actor. But this is life. We all grow old, regardless if you want to or not..
Maybe he has to put weight on for a new movie. He can lose it in no time, I am sure he has a personal fitness trainer that can get him back to perfection.
It is so sad that people love actors and actresses when they are PERFECT, they are humans like us.
Look at Kirsty Allie, she is gorgeous. She lost her weight. But then look at Anna Nicole, she is nasty, Fat or thin. It is all in the personality.

2994 days ago


You guys are really scraping the bottom of the barrell by throwing Stuart Townsend under the bus. Why even bother with that lame bit o' fluff? So what if someone was late for dinner- sheesh!

2994 days ago


Come on america, have a heart, and a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T! A single unflatterrning image cannot compare to the wealth of iconi memories this amazing actor has given us. "I'm your huckleberry..."

2994 days ago


Regarding Mike's comments

You criticize Sherri's comments as childish because she expressed her opinion regarding his "looks". Well it appears you are similarly childish...your quote:

"We only require hot looks and loose morals from woman!" and that is somehow classier????

Or is there a double standard here. You require hot looks in women, and she should not require hot looks in men?

2994 days ago
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