Xena: So Much Porn, So Little Time

Hey yo Mr. T! You did real good in my movie back in the day so I'm going to give you a part okay. Just mellow out a little alright. Sheesh. Anyway, how about I got front, you got back? I'm working on the script already. I just want to decide what to call Lucy...Juicy Flawless maybe? Its her nick. But you know, fortunately,"Lucy Lawless" already sounds like an erotic star. By the way we won't be using any condominiums in this flick.

I'm glad you've come to your senses Balboa and are giving me a role. I don't use any condominiums either. And of course I got back. I love dis white woman's perdy tight tush! The T in Mr. T is for Tush didn't you know. You know I starred in the A Team right?

When I saw this video air on tv I noticed the girl she was with, only to be specific, the midget (sorry if that is not PC, no harm intended) she hugged is the same girl from Total Recall, the hooker midget kicking a** with a machine gun. Did anyone else notice, I think I am right. I searched the internet for her name but couldn't find it. If anyone else knows her name comment back.

Leah allow me. I think her name would be one Debbie Lee Carrington, she starred in my friend the Governor, Arnold's film Total Recall (some of which took place on Mars supposedly). We used to share ownership of the Planet Hollywood restaurant before Arnie sold his share.

T I knew you wanted a part in my new flick, happy now huh. I know well you like to plow tight white woman tush as you put it, yeah, yeah I know already. Well then give me a reaaaaaal good performance in this flick with Juicy Lucy okay? Alright man! I'll cast you as Mr. Tush. Yo! Com* is gonna fly now!

I don't blame you in the least for wanting Lucy in your new porn movie Sly, but I've got to tell you, sorry Lucy's with me. We already did softcore on screen together in the Hercules episode "Unchained Heart." I understand you're a Steve Reeves fan? My long-haired hairy chested Hercules looked more like a male porn star than you did in your old porn film anyway. Lucy loves muscled chests, she was grabbing mine and biting it. Let's say I got my fair share of tight pleasant Kiwi arse back in the day.

So how about it Lucy? How about a good old Herculean time? Bring back the good old days with me Lucy girl! Remember if it wasn't for me you wouldn't have had a show as I've said in just about every interview. Even if your husband took most of my crew and gave you better scripts. So hey...how about I dress up as the Sovereign and we get kinky? Sorry Sly, this Juicy Lucy is taken. ;)

Yo Mr. Sorbo...we finally meet in a way. Yes I was a big fan of Steve since I was a boy and went to see him in Hercules and I came out and said to myself, Sly do you want to be a bum all your life, or do you want make something of yourself and not be another bum in the New York neighborhood. So I started pumping weights. I wrote the script for Rocky and demanded to play him myself, even when the studio wanted other known actors like Robert Redford. To them I was basically a bum who starred in a porn flick and slept around while I was PE instructor at a Swiss boarding school. But Rocky was my break-through role destined to make me an international star, just as Hercules was for you.

I admit your Hercules looked more like a porn star than I did in my first porn flick, but I say let Juicy Lucy decide for herself
if she wants to star in my new flick. I heard once she said her name was Frances Balboa. So you did get your share of tight Kiwi arse, but I've gotten many babes in my time, including Brigitte Neilson who played Red Sonja, and Lucy's husband Rob based Xena in part on Red Sonja. Lucy isn't quite as tall as Brigitte but Lucy is just the perfect height for a porn star you know. I divorced Brigitte and then she went with my friend Arnold, now the Governator. Action stars get plenty of kitty.

So yo Mr. Sorborino...let me get back on this as I am determined to make this a very successful porn flick with star casting you know.

Yo Sorbs...I'm thinking of casting my friend Dolph Lundgren in this flick as "Long John Swede." He is rumored to be real long. I understand the studio wanted him to play Hercules on your show but Lucy's husband Rob was rooting for you in the role? Well Dolph will finally get tight Kiwi arse if he accepts. I was always asking him where the Swedish chicks are and he was a gentleman, so we'll see. Personally I find Irish chicks hottest, my wife Jennifer is Irish like Lucy. Juicy Lucy meets the Italian Stallion! I'll have a cast full of studly actors in the flick, myself, Mr. T, Dolph hopefully. Do you want a part Kevin? You know when Steve gave me his autograph he wrote for Sylvester: to a man who knew what he wanted and got it. And now I want some Kiwi Kitty yo! Com* is gonna fly now!

It's a multi-ethnic cast...Italian, Scandanavian, Irish, African. You don't want to miss out Kevin as I can cast you as "Big Sorborino." I've seen your softcore with Lucy, now here is your chance to film hardcore with her. Just sign the contract and a kinky scene with Juicy Flawless is guaranteed. And yo Mr. T...I guess they should have called your show the T and A show right? Yo!

Rrrrrrrr! You make me mad Balboa! That's it Balboa! I'm gonna plow white woman tush so hard now! I say let Juicy Lucy decide who got deepest and hardest in down under tush! I'll show you white boys! Tee hee!

You duhty puhvs! All of you! I just want to know one thing first...which of you can eat out my Kiwi the best? Then maybe I'll consider doing the flick. ;) Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah baby!

(A Lucy Lawless wannabe)

You duhty puhvs! All of you! I just want to know one thing first...which of you mates can eat out my Kiwi the best? Then maybe I'll consider doing the flick. ;) Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah baby!

(A Lucy Lawless wannabe)

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy...looking as hot and sexy as ever I see. The years have been wonderful to you. I've just got to ask one thing though...why couldn't I ever get in your pants Lucy? Not even once? What's old Sorborino got that I haven't got hm? Besides bigger man-boobs. Remember you owe me one for your guest role on Burn Notice right. Gimme some sugah Lucy baby!