On the low slung heels of Candy Spelling's open letter to Paris Hilton, "Reno 911's" Deputy Clementime Johnson (played by Wendi McLendon Covey) has gotten into the incarcerated heiress advice game, issuing her own tips for helping "someone named Paris Hilton" survive the clink!
To Paris:
"I've recently been asked to give "Survival in the Slammer" tips to someone named Paris Hilton. I'm not sure who this is ... is she related to Lawrence Hilton Jacobs from "Welcome Back Kotter?" I guess it doesn't matter.
It's important to remember that a cavity search has nothing to do with your teeth. However, a "lady" will be looking in your various nooks and crannies for contraband (drugs, weapons, etc.) That doesn't mean you can't keep other things in your cavities like candy or shampoo, but contraband will be confiscated. This procedure will not be videotaped unless you specifically request it.
Since you'll be staying in the "Special Needs Section" of the prison (and I'm not sure if this means you're important or retarded), think of your cell as a special VIP club that only you can get into. Maybe Red Bull will sponsor it!
Getting out of jail is like getting out of a full body cast; it feels great, but you'll be stinky and hairy when you emerge. It's not uncommon for women getting out of prison to leave with a full goatee and unibrow, not to mention a "shag carpet." Some nice inmate will probably offer to play beauty salon with you and give you a Brazilian bikini wax, but trust me, you won't like the results.
Oh! And when the guards give you attitude, put them in their place by reminding them that your taxes pay their salary, so technically you're their boss. Believe me -- public servants never get sick of hearing that! I know I don't.
That is all.
Have a Clemtastic time!
Deputy Clementine Johnson
Reno 911!
(as portrayed by actress Wendi McLendon Covey)
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See more pointers from the guys on Reno911 at www.declareyourself.com. The videos are some of the funniest on the web, check it out!
This is a funny letter. Even though now I think I'm totally over Paris stories.
I'm exhausted already from her, and she's not even in jail yet.
Quick call a doctor...I'm suffering from an overdose of Paris.
Now I'm going to the bathroom to throw up.
"Special Needs" That is funny. Paris was in deed in the 'special needs' classes in high school. She went to the same high school as my daughter. Maybe if she had actually attended more (or at least graduated high school) she might have been ABLE to READ her restrictions on driving.
That letter is hilarious!!!
I hope more "celeb" advise letters come rolling in! It's hilarious that shes being made fun of by so many well-known people. I hope Paris has developed some humility from all this embarrassment! God, I hope she just goes away!!!
I feel nauseated too. The term "Special Needs Section" is slamming the physically
mentally challenged people living in CA. I wonder who got paid off for the light
sentence of serving half of her time. Maybe the partying and shopping went toward time
off for good behavior.
I am impressed as hell that someone would not know who Paris Hilton is, Maybe she was joking about this, . BUt how refreshing and impressive it would be And yes the letter was humorous.
WHY SHUD PARIS HILTON GET SPECIAL TREATMENT IN JAIL... (VIP) ... YEAH BECAUSE SHE HAS MONEY... BUT SHE WILL LEARN IN THERE AND RESPECT PEOPLE AROUND HER AND RESPECT THE COPS AS WELL... GOOD LUCK PARIS...YU DESERVED IT.... YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET AWAY WITH IT THIS TIME BECAUSE YOU ARE SIGNED **HILTON***........ AND PERSONALLY, YOU SHUD BE TREATED LIKE EVERY INMATE...
Um, that's a joke Brett :)
Reno 911! is hilarious, love Clementine.
It would be even funnier if Deputy Clementime found herself stewing in jail for 23-45 days..Here's hoping!
OMG, this part is too funny, hahahahhaa.
"To Paris:
"I've recently been asked to give "Survival in the Slammer" tips to someone named Paris Hilton. I'm not sure who this is ... is she related to Lawrence Hilton Jacobs from "Welcome Back Kotter?" I guess it doesn't matter."
Ya, who is Paris Hilton??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Clemmie, U haff to rite lik thiz, ef U wannt Pariz 2 unnerstand U ...
