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Comedian Ralphie May

Weed Nearly Killed Me!

1/19/2012 3:30 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF

comedian Ralphie May
"Last Comic Standing" finalist and outspoken weed advocate Ralphie May is finally calling it quits on the sticky icky -- telling TMZ, smoking marijuana nearly killed him last year ... so he's giving it up for good.

May tells us, he was diagnosed with walking pneumonia before taking a cruise last November -- but the condition quickly got worse ... and before long, he was holed up in the boat's infirmary with a life-threatening lung infection.

May tells us, "If I hadn't been a 20-year weed smoker, it wouldn't have been as bad."

You'll recall -- May was detained in a Guam airport back in 2010 for weed possession after the comic decided to pet a drug-sniffing dog. Not his brightest moment.

May says he used to smoke around 4 ounces of pot a WEEK, but "feels great" ever since he quit -- adding, "I had a great time doing it, but now I can pet every dog in Guam."


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Really???? I think it has more to do with you weighing almost a ton and the fact that you smoked a ridiculous amount!! I have a feeling the term MODERATION doesn't mean anything to him, me thinks that's the bigger issue for Mr.May.

1010 days ago


If he smoked 4 ounces a week, he was smoking garbage.

1010 days ago


i smoke everyday and im ok for a good 6 years now. maybe its just all that food tubs is eating that **** him up

1010 days ago

Wrong O    

Whatever Ralphie.. it wasn't weed. JAMA just came out with the study that weed DOES NOT affect lungs. And, as a smoker of 25 plus years...I'm calling BS. I agree with the twinkie thing!

1010 days ago

Ralphie May    

Yes You are all right, I am ****ing really fat. I have a very low metabolism and the estrogen in marijuana made it worse. I loved smoking weed, and maybe go back to it someday. Its positive effects for me werent to get high, but rather anxiety suppression, pain management, and stopping back spasms. I have a perfect storm of health problems and since stopping smoking weed I have allowed my lungs to heal I had two types of pneumonia and coughed major pulmonary embolisms, that almost killed me. The great medical staff of Tampa General Hospital saved my life. I travel too much, I dont rest enough, I am always on the road. Weed allowed me to sleep and manage my pain and back spasms and allowed my mind to shut down so I could sleep. No prescription highly addictive drugs given to me by doctors has been nearly as effective as weed. I went through no withdrawal from marijuana and am still an advocate, I just used too much 4 ozs a week doesnt take into account hash and keif, concentrates used as well.

I am currently finding out through numerous blood test and specialist how sick I am. My metabolism is so low that I only have to consume 1200-1400 calories daily to maintain my weight, I am working on it through drugs and exercise. I have low testosterone, I make the proper amount for a man of 180 pounds but I passed that nearly 300 pounds ago. I also have a thyroid imbalance and am correcting medically my hormones. I am also working out a lot, I cannot sleep, the deprivation is mentally making me nuts.

I am a father of two wonderful babies and a husband to a wonderful woman they are the only reason I survived the pneumonia, it would have so much easier just to go to sleep and never wake up than the ordeal I went through. My daily pain and misery make me have horrible thoughts of suicide, for me it would be a relief I am to fortunate to realize what I have and not squander the blessing of my family of the joy of fatherhood, a loving wife that adores me, millions of fans that have derived joy and laughter from my art over a 22 year career. If not for those blessings and their love I would just pull the trigger and stop being a burden on those around me. It would be so much easier than the constant pain and lack of sleep, the judgement and hate of others. I feel as though I am constantly drowning in the hate of others of whom I did nothing to.

I was told that I had 6 hours till doctors were going to open a vein in my neck and install a filter to prevent more blood clots from entering my lungs and that highly trained doctors were then going to go into my lungs and find and destroy the pulmonary embolisms and if they got them all I would live and if they got them quickly enough I would live, if they werent able to get them fast enough or completely, I would die from brain bleeding. I would not be able to be sedated. I was given only a 20-30% chance of living through the procedure. I was put on a CPAP that blew oxygen into my lungs I couldnt move and fought for every breath. My wife, Lahna Turner, was hysterically distraught at the prospect of losing her husband and the father of her children. For those 6 hours I wrote letters to my 2 year old son on what it means to be a man, and to my 4 year old daughter what it means to be a strong woman. I wrote a long letter of apology to my wife for being a quitter and giving up on life and leaving her in such a mess. Then I wrote a long letter to numerous people in my life and formally in my life of Thank Yous and I Love Yous. I was in ICU fighting to live and starring into the blackness of death, I wrote those letters. You know at the end of your life they say your life flashes in front of your eyes. Its not the good things, the happy moments of a wonderful life, laughter of friends, falling in love with an amazing woman, birth of my babies, standing ovations of huge audiences or platinum albums. Its your regrets that flash in front of your eyes, missing sonograms cause I was making people laugh in Cleveland, or missing first steps of my children cause I am doing press in Miami or Tampa, the times I should have been working out, hiking with my wife and things Ive missed cause I am too fat or just simply too lazy to do. I was afraid I wouldnt be able to remember the smell of my wife's hair, or what it felt like to have my babies' kisses. Well thats what came to me, the horrors of a life spent driven to be the best comedian I could be, work so hard to provide, to never be that little dumpy white trash kid from small town Arkansas.

I expect fully for cynics to dissect my statement and to proceed to throw more bile and hatred my way. Hell, I have been swimming in an ocean of hatred of intolerance my whole life and thats fine. I am holding on to a lifeboat I have built of, my family, friends, wonderful fans, and I ll hold on as long as I can. But the reason I put this up is not for me I am my own mess, but for the man or woman of any color or sexual orientation, in pain physically or mentally, for the bullied, the poor, any person who's lacking in hope. To hold on to your life boat, too. Regardless of how much hatred comes at you dont give up and take the easy way out. Fight against the darkness, live your life without regrets, tell everyone that you love that you do indeed value them and you love them, apologize to others that you've hurt. Just try and be better than the people that attack you. Life is hard but you can do it despite what others say. Persevere in the face of difficulty. Maybe if I continue to fight then maybe you disenfranchised, scared, lonely, fat, poor, sad, hurting few can derive some strength from my struggle and stand fast. Live, Laugh, Love hard and fully everyday. Good luck to us all in the struggle, and man wouldn't it be great to be perfect and successful with no problems? To borrow from much better wordsmiths than I;
Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. --Dylan Thomas

Imperfectly yours,

Ralphie May

1010 days ago


Being insanely obese will kill him long before the weed will.

1010 days ago


I should also mention that when I started long distance running, I would smoke a j, then run 17.5 miles. Everyday. So how'd that mess with my lungs? And I am a former tobacco smoker. Mind you, I'd have nightmares of smoking tobacco after I began running. Which I've found, aside from food addiction (like ralphie may here) is THE slowest form of suicide.

And now, I'm on hiatus (b/c in my county herb toking trumps sexual abuse in the courts and my kid comes first) hence, I'm not running. It's harder for me to "get into the zone" w/out herb (I stopped the 17.5 miles a day and was doing at min 7miles a day. A J and some tunes and man, I was gone.) It sucks that herb tokers are public enemy #1 still. It really does. Boozers can get their fills, pill poppers can pop their pills, food junkies can eat till beyond being full and yet I cannot legally ingest the Holy Herb. Go figure.

I call a boycott of this Ralphie May. How dare he?

1010 days ago


Apparently, Ralphie doesn't know what the hell he's talking about!!

1010 days ago


That is a crock if I ever heard one! NEWS FLASH RALPHIE.....YOUR GROSSLY OBESE BODY WILL KILL YOU BEFORE MARIJUANA WILL! I know many non-smokers (cigs and pot) who have contracted pneumonia and it had absolutely nothing to do with smoking anything! Hell the flu or a sinus infection can turn into pneumonia. Delude yourself all you want Ralphie, your weight is more likey the culprit in your lowering your immunity. I wouldn't be surprised if you were diabetic or pre-diabetic.

1010 days ago


wow smoking while your lungs are ****ed up... gee blame it on the weed lol..

Weed is not as perfect as people say but weed would not have caused the infection on its own. He totally hot boxed his lungs while sick...


you shouldn't smoke tons of weed because in some people it can cause mental issues in high amounts.. Also weed isn't great on your lungs so vapor or bong it.. don't smoke 4oz a week from a pipe..

Some people should watch out smoking weed because they can become addicted to it.. not addicted to the thc but they suffer from addicted personality syndrome which they can become addicted to anything from shopping to sex to eating TP.. this are the people who tend to use it as a gateway.

again its not the weed its their body... this only happens to a small percent because most people who smoke don't over do it..

1010 days ago


Yea, the weed. It can't be the fact that you are 300 pounds. Weed doesn't kill people. No one has ever died from smoking it. How about you quit eating and see how much better you feel.

1010 days ago


Ralphie got sick because he's 300 pounds overweight, but I guess he'd rather give up the weed than the Twinkies.

1010 days ago


First...4 OUNCES A WEEK? My god Man! I have been smoking the good stuff for well over 25years and can't imagine smoking that much on a regular basis! It's not the Hemps fault you have no self control Ralphie! I'll refer that observation over to your eating habits as exhibit A. Now I Love Ralphie and thing he is funny as all get out, but Must call FOUL on this one. Stop giving Hemp a bad rap just because you stopped ( for now).
2nd. Another poster made mention that a person can not say " Smoking" Hemp does not cause health issues. I agree However, when you switch to either eating, doing it like chew ( between cheek and gum and suck the juice out or the newer method of a Vaporizor(love it) then you eliminate those health risk. If you read any report against Hemp you will see that it slips in that the test was done with "Smoked" Hemp. Just a little trick They use. So its not Hemp itself but the method of smoking it that is what They pick on. A little knowledge for peepz.
I Love You Ralphie but " Don't blame it on the Hemp"! My father was as heavy as you and experienced the same health issues but smoked cigarettes. But warning you now, this issue is the first of Many to come for you unless you get healthy. I watched my father slowly die with different health issues one after another until his body gave out. It was one of the saddest things I had to watch!

1010 days ago


maybe if he was not fat as ****.. he would not have health problems. Don't blame the weed for you weak ass lungs, blame those unworried hoofs you call feet! Do WORK SON!

1010 days ago


no way this dude was smoking 4 oz's a week..i happen to be somehwat of an expert in this area and ..umm no way..sorry big boy..u lie

1010 days ago
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