I have come up with the theory that there are four times when I am super-mega excited for an episode of "Lost": a season premiere, a season finale, the week after a great episode and the week after a terrible one. So since last week's ep was such a dud, consider me super-mega excited for this week.
For all you "Lost" Diary newbies, here's how it goes. I gather with a group of friends watching "Lost," writing what happens on the show as it happens, and throwing in my two cents along the way. This week the usual crew of Ari, Lauren and Matt is back together. Let's roll:
10:00 -- Cheech is Lil' Hurley's dad, and apparently, he thinks you can fix cars just by wishing. He's been hanging around Chong too much if you ask me.
10:01 -- Lil' Hurley's dad sneaks him a candy bar. So of all the mysteries of "Lost," is this the episode where we learn why Hurley is fat? Food isn't love, little guy.
10:02 -- Odds Hurley is talking to Libby's grave?
10:03 -- Too easy.
10:04 -- Charlie is shaving on the beach. Gee, I hope he doesn't nick an artery ...
10:05 -- Hurley thinks he might be the reason that Charlie is going to die. Note to self: send Hurley some sausages as a thank you present.
10:06 -- Vincent returns holding an arm, which is holding a rabbit's foot and a key. That doesn't even make the top 20 list of weirdest things that have happened on this show. Hell, that's downright normal.
10:07 -- Did Hurley just find a car?
10:09 -- Tricia Tanaka is reporting on Hurley buying Mr. Cluck's, and the title of this episode is, "Tricia Tanaka Is Dead." Hmmm, I am not liking Tricia's chances here.
10:10 -- Actually, I don't like her chances of coming out of that chicken joint alive.
10:11 -- Poor Tricia, we hardly knew ya.
10:12 -- Hurley just found the van from "Little Miss Sunshine," except it's blue instead of yellow and instead of Greg Kinnear and Alan Arkin inside, it has dead Dharma workers .
10:13 -- Ugh, the new people. Why, J.J.? Why?
10:14 -- No one wants any part of Hurley and his blue van, except for Jin, who can't speak English. Even the stupid new people bailed.
10:15 -- At this point, if Sawyer and Kate are on screen -- and NOT having sex -- Lauren is disappointed. I can only assume she speaks for most women on this one.
10:16 -- Kate wants Sawyer to say he's sorry. Maybe it's just the guy in me, but I have no clue what he has to apologize for.
10:17 -- Kate and Sawyer arrive back at camp, congratulated by tons of people we've never seen before. Touching. Where are Rose and Bernard?
10:20 -- "Tricia Tanaka is dead." -- Hurley. Well said.
10:21 -- Hey dad, where you been the last 17 years? Oh, a fat joke? Thanks for that, pops. Good to see you.
10:22 -- "Dude, I suck at charades. You wanna what?" -- Hurley. Best line I have heard so far by someone who couldn't understand Jin.
10:23 -- "I have a right to know when I'm gonna die." -- Charlie. I have a right to know too, since I have that big party to plan when it happens. Yes, you're all invited -- but it's BYOB.
10:24 -- Alright, don't tell anyone this, but the Sawyer-Hurley-Jin reunion choked me up just a bit.
10:25 -- Ok, Kate is telling Sayid that Jack said he told Sawyer and her not to come back, because he sacrificed himself so they could escape. That's bull. I am telling you: Jack doesn't want them to mess with his "going home" and he doesn't want to face them again because he'll feel guilty. Now is probably the time to tell you I am almost never right with any theory I have about "Lost." Just thought you should know.
10:26 -- How much of this season has been spent watching one person explain something that already happened -- and that we already knew -- to someone else?
10:27 -- Kate is going for help. Rousseau, anyone?
10:30 -- Hurley looks really happy that his dad is home.
10:31 -- When Hurley's mom says "Hugo" like "Hoogo," I kinda giggle a bit every time. New rule: whenever Hurley's mom is around, I will refer to him as Hoogo. Starting ...
10:32 -- Now. Hoogo's mom wants some Cheech lovin'. Good for her.
10:33 -- "What's up with all this recycling?" -- Sawyer. Hmmm, lines like that usually aren't said for no reason.
10:34 -- Take your bets, will the car start? I am going with a resounding no.
10:35 -- The correct answer was "not even close." We would have also excepted "absolutely not." Thanks for playing.
10:36 -- Did Sawyer just "cheers" with that guy's skull?
10:39 -- I hate being awakened in the morning, but being awakened by Cheech would be a welcome change of pace.
10:40 -- Odds the psychic predicts doom and danger in Hurley's future? I am going with hells yes, and done so with terrible over-acting.
10:41 -- The correct answer was darkness and tragedy, mixed in with a stupid curse-removal ritual, which was all fake because Hurley's dad is a scumbag.
10:43 -- "Let's look death in the face and say, 'Whatever, man.'" -- Hurley. William Wallace, he ain't.
10:44 -- Sawyer shouldn't be teaching anyone English.
10:45 -- And Hurley shouldn't try insulting people. Redneck man? Weak.
10:46 -- Ok, seriously -- now "Lost" really has turned into "Little Miss Sunshine." Hurley is Greg Kinnear (the over-positive one), Sawyer is Alan Arkin (the wiseass) and Jin is the son who doesn't speak.
10:50 -- So what are the odds Charlie volunteers to drive the car down the hill? I say yes, followed by some stupid speech about cheating death. Followed by him succeeding and not dying. Followed by me hurling expletives at the TV.
10:51 -- Charlie volunteers to ride shotgun. 0 for 1.
10:52 -- "Victory or death." -- Charlie. Kinda cheesy speech. 1 for 2.
10:53 -- Hurley is closing his eyes and repeating, "There is no curse. You make your own luck." If you were wondering the exact moment this episode lost me, this is it.
10:54 -- Car starts, Charlie doesn't die. 2 for 3.
10:55 -- Sawyer and Jin jump into the car, kinda like they do in "Little Miss Sunshine."
10:56 -- "F&^@_!*$@#^!)&!!@!$!" -- me. 3 for 4.
10:58 -- What the hell was Sayid talking about with the light hitting Mr. Eko's stick and leading them to the Others? Did I black out when that happened? One last prediction: Kate tells Rousseau about Alex.
10:59 -- Too easy.
Okay, so what did we learn this week? Everyone on this show has daddy issues ... Hurley wasn't always fat ... When we're not looking, Sayid and Locke use Eko's Jesus stick as an Others compass.
After last week's debacle, I was looking forward to a return to form. Did I get it? Let's just say I will be typing that sentence again next week. This episode was almost as bad as the week before. But it did give me the gift of Hoogo, so I will give it a D+. Nothing happened, our story didn't move forward, and the flashbacks didn't reveal anything interesting.
But now an even more important issue has been raised; I used to never watch promos for "Lost" -- I either left the room or covered my ears and closed my eyes when they came on. I never want to know anything that is going to happen the following week. But to make myself more educated on all things "Lost," I started watching them.
You know what? They don't tell you s**t. In fact, they lie to you completely. Last week was about the three mysteries. This week was something about "If you don't watch, you won't know what everyone is talking about the next day." Hey ABC, you know what I'm talking about today? How much your promos suck!!!
So here is the question of the week: I am going back to avoiding all commercials and promos like the plague. Are you with me?
See you next week.