Mike to Maybe Mama Kettle, Meet Black

The woman who's threatening Michael Lohan with a paternity suit better watch out -- Papa Lohan says she's got plenty of skeletons in her closet too.

We called Kristi Kaufmann to ask about Lohan's allegations -- including an alleged shady insurance claim -- but she didn't return our call. Lohan also showed us his paternity test -- nothing to be proud of.