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Letterman Monologue -- Burned in 60 Seconds

10/5/2009 7:20 PM PDT BY TMZ STAFF

Walking out to more applause than usual, David Letterman opened tonight's "Late Show" by taking three shots at himself in less than a minute!




Among the zingers, Dave told the audience, "I got into the car this morning and the navigation lady wasn't speaking to me."

Things take a more serious turn later in the monologue -- where Dave reportedly apologizes to his wife for his affairs. CBS is keeping that part under wraps until tonight.

73 COMMENTS

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1.

UGGGGHHH    

WE FORGIVE YOU DAVE. JUST KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.

1844 days ago
2.

Kevin    

His wife may not be speaking to him, but i'm not watching him. He is old, angry, and now, a hypocrit! Time to retire Dave!!

1844 days ago
3.

whats up Doctors    

With his talent , he can make jokes on this for at least a month,,Funny Guy

1844 days ago
4.

that.is.all    

ALL YOU D.ICKHEADS NEED TO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS IF YOU ARE MARRIED OR IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.

MEN ARE SO STUPID SOMETIMES.


1844 days ago
5.

Rap sucks    

Well, it's not like anyone doesn't cheat. Besides he's a guy. Creepy old guy, but hey, men can't resist sex. And even tough i watch Conan sometimes, he' not funny at all just goofy. Leno and Dave can get a laugh from you.

1844 days ago
6.

jfp    

Good going Dave!! But with your money you could bag better looking tang than that. I noticed that all these broads and yer old lady look about the same...yuck.

1844 days ago
7.

Rap sucks    

I would have sex with anyone i like. But if i was with married or in a relationship, no way i stick up some other chick's hole.

1844 days ago
8.

Rich    

Guess he should also apologize to his own kids for having them out of wedlock, then marrying their mother almost as an afterthought.

White Trash

1844 days ago
9.

Rap sucks    

I mean if i was married i wouldn't go seeing other babes. But dang, Dave could have done better than those he slept with or his own wife. He probably fantasizes while he's doing it with them, he imagines all his hot female guests.

1844 days ago
10.

barbara    

Dave actually dated these women. Not like he was running around the halls of the office like a rapist. This is 15 year old news. Show me one work place where no sexual junk going on.

1844 days ago
11.

pollynoo    

The commie bastard tried...tried to be like Johnny Carson when Johnny got popped for a DUI back in the day: in Johnny's monologue he talked about it, apologized and said 'this is last time you'll hear me speak about it'. And you never heard him speak of it again.

Ol' Commie Dave tried that routine (almost word-for-word from Johnny, that douchebag thief) last Thursday and 4 days later he's talking about it. Classless old coot. Douchebag. Get yourselves tested, ladies.

1844 days ago
12.

Ed    

Why does everyone act like he did something that has never been done before and he is getting scolded for? Women doe it and they aren't put through the ringer. Dave did it for years and that was when he wasn't married! No need to scold Dave and we shouldn't say we forgive you. His wife should and CBS for the embarrassment it has cause. Well CBS is loving the ratings so their thanking him! But also Who are we to judge? When we point the finger at someone we have 3 more pointing back at us. This stuff happens everywhere! Plus this is all old news. It is fresh now cause it has come to life that this is what it was like in the PAST! Build a bridge and get over it people

1844 days ago
13.

Paparazzo@frog.cc    

Letterman's "sex room" at the office is slimy.

1844 days ago
14.

Ms. X    

Dave set the "women's movement" back 100yrs. with this one. Men are forced to hire us in the workplace but we see what they all think our jobs should be. Nothing will be done about this though, never is.

1844 days ago
15.

SadSadSad    

This guy is as bad as Jon & Kate.....Say ANYTHING for media attention and $$$$$$....Not one of them actually mean what they say in the media (if only we could hear what they say in the privacy of their own homes!!) They are just saying what some greasy manager tells them to say to save a pitiful career and keep the money flowing in!! They should all be on an island together where we don't have to see or hear about any of them anymore....!!!!

1844 days ago
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