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Flunks Booze Test

Ordered to Court

6/23/2011 5:00 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF

Lindsay Lohan tested positive for alcohol earlier this month ... and has been ordered to appear in front of an L.A. County Superior Court judge tomorrow morning ... and the Probation Dept. wants her in jail.

Here's what we know.  Lindsay was tested twice last week.  Sources tell TMZ ... Lindsay tested positive for alcohol on one of the tests and negative on the other.  In both tests, she tested negative for drugs.  One of the tests was administered just after Lindsay had a rooftop barbecue party.

Sources tell TMZ ... the L.A. County Probation Department will ask Judge Stephanie Sautner to yank her out of house arrest and throw her in L.A. County Jail. 

And, we're told, members of the D.A.'s office -- will make an appearance as well, to lower the boom on Lindsay.  The D.A. is still handling the DUI probation part of Lindsay's criminal saga.  The L.A. City Attorney is handling the necklace case.

The Probation Department is pissed off because they tried to force Lindsay to take two tests in May but Lindsay's lawyer, Shawn Holley, refused to make Lindsay submit, claiming it wasn't part of her probation.  Turns out it was, so Lindsay subsequently took the two tests, one of which she failed.

The Probation Dept. is also ticked that Lindsay is having parties while under house arrest.

Judge Sautner will hold a hearing tomorrow at 10 AM.  Of course, we'll be there.


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Grandma Cracker    



Recipe #1: Classic Pruno (by Hank Soboski)
This recipe is part of prison folklore to the extent it was described in detail in a famous poem called Recipe For Prison Pruno by prison poet Jarvis Masters. (See bottom of page.) Using nothing but the poem for reference, I proceeded.

What You’ll Need:
A Sealable Bag (Ziploc or a heavy-duty garbage bag with rubber bands)
10 Peeled Oranges
1 8oz Can of Fruit ****tail
50 Sugar Cubes
6 Teaspoons of Ketchup
Tap Water

Day 1
I combined the oranges and fruit ****tail in a large Ziploc bag, sealed it tightly, then spent fifteen minutes squeezing and mashing it lovingly until it was the consistency of a pulpy paste. I added 16 ounces of tap water and resealed the bag.

I ran ho*****er over the bag for fifteen minutes, then wrapped it in three towels to insulate the heat and start the fermentation process. The bag ends up being the size, weight and temperature of a newborn infant and you may start having tender feelings for the cute little beast. This is normal. Especially when this realize when this baby grows up he’s going to get you drunk. I hid my baby in safe, dark place and let it sit undisturbed for forty-eight hours.

Day 3
I unwrapped the towels to discover my baby had ballooned up nicely. This, I surmised, was due to the gasses given off by the fermentation process. I opened the bag and it gave off a light scent of, well, rotting fruit. I added fifty cubes of sugar and six packets of Heinz Ketchup. After resealing the bag, I waited for the sugar cubes to dissolve, then kneaded the pulp a little to ensure a good mix. It struck me that I could have very well used uncubed sugar. I ran it under ho*****er for thirty minutes to make things pleasant for the bacteria, then rewrapped my baby in towels and put it back in a safe dark, place.

Day 4 and Day 5
I kept a close eye on my prodigy. The sugar accelerated the fermentation process and by Day Five it looked as if my baby was thinking about exploding into something I didn’t care to clean up. I opened a corner of the bag and let off a little gas.

Day 6 through Day 8
I reheated the bag in the sink for fifteen minutes every day, then rewrapped it in towels. I noticed a floating colony of mold that had taken up residence was growing very nicely. Was my baby sick? Was this normal? Was there no hotline I could call? I put it back in its safe place and hoped for the best.

Day 9
Gripped by a mixture of anticipation and dread, I unwrapped the bag and opened it. As a precaution, I had scented toilet paper stuffed up my nose, but the bouquet still came on like a rotten gauntlet across the snout. My baby had mutated into some form of Frankenstein creature with very bad personal hygiene. I quickly ladled out the large pieces of rotten fruit and the spectacularly successful mold colony, then strained the remainder through a tea strainer.

The Taste Test
I had to fight hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution and instinct to get down the first swallow. Even with my nose stuffed with toilet paper, my first instinct was to vomit out what my lizard brain told me was deadly poison.
But I remembered that I reacted the same way to my first taste of whiskey and carried on. I fended off the idea of mixing it—with drain cleaner, gasoline, anything.

I forced down a cup’s worth, expecting it to eventually get easier. It didn’t. Each new swallow was a fresh insult. I added ice in hopes it would mask the taste or at least kill some of the bacteria. Aside from tasting like moldy and rotted fruit, it tingled against my tongue as vast bacteria colonies rose up and counter-attacked.

When I’d fought and gagged my way through half the first pint, my stomach started rebelling. I could imagine what it was thinking: “Great God, we’re being poisoned! And, get a load of this ****, the ****** keeps sending more down! Are we committing suicide? Did I miss a ******* meeting?”
To put it bluntly, classic pruno tastes like a bottle of Thunderbird filtered through a dumpster full of rotted garbage. Also, a stray dog laps it up from the alley floor and vomits it into a dirty hubcap.

Did it get me drunk? A pint of pruno earned me a mild buzz. Not a “snifter of brandy on the balcony” buzz. But rather a wretched, stomach-churning, sour-mouthed buzz. The equivalent of back alley sex with a toothless crack whore. It’s sex, yes, but you feel more horrified than satisfied.
I’ve never felt a great deal of sympathy for our nation’s prisoners, but I do now.

1163 days ago


I don't even know what to say anymore. What is her problem?? I think she has serious mental health issues. Why she would allow people to drink in her home while on house arrest is beyond me. And what kind of friends would bring alcohol over there? She probably has a few sips or a glass of wine and thought she wouldn't have it show up in the test. It's hard to feel sorry for her when she behaves like such a fool.

1163 days ago


Lindsay Lohan is a lush and a loser and should be locked up.

1163 days ago


she is not going to jail, only poor minorities, go to jail, lindsey is to rich and plus shes white. jails in the USA were created to detain the poor and minorities.white rich celebs just get probation.

1163 days ago


who cares she is a spoiled rich b*&ch and maybe she will change maybe not gets old pulling up this website and seeing all this crap on her WHO CARES! Omg she drank some wine wow....burn her @ the stake. Quit giving her all this damn publicity and attention she does not deserve it.

1163 days ago


I'm sick and tired of celebrities getting away with everything. Any normal person would be carted off to jail, no questions asked. Put her in jail already and teach her a lesson. Its a joke to her.

1163 days ago


Leave this girl alone!! She has problems granted. Bless her. Pray 4 her. She has a problem. Don't condemn her.

1163 days ago


Look she has millions of dollars and a home that has everything a home could need and she can't find something to do besides drink ? Damn woman bake some cookies or something.

1163 days ago


Its not just stars that get away with breaking the law. It is the rich in general. I am sick and tired of watching people with money walking away from trouble. While the average person must suffer. Probation means you are walking on thin ice! Not a solid footing to keep screwing up! She deserves to be put into prison for at least 5 years. I bet she will get her act together then!

1162 days ago


If this were you or I, We would have been hauled out of the house. In handcuffs, tossed into a cop car, and hauled off to jail!. Which soon would turn into prison, for about 5 years for violatng our probation. No! This is another case of a movie star/ want-to-be. Getting special treatment. It just pisses me off to the fullest extent of right and wrong. It just goes to show how this country has two sets of laws. One for the rich and the other for the poor. She is nothing but trailer trash in a mansion!

1162 days ago
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