How does Britney Spears spend her court-approved time with her kids? By chandelier shopping, y'all! Them things is sparkly! Looky them little ding-dangly rainbows all over there!

TMZ caught the popwreck going to Crystal Palace in the Valley yesterday, leaving her two kids in her car with the court-required monitor while she shopped for lighting. Hmm... part-time babysitter probably isn't part of the woman's job.

Cameras swarmed Brit as she made her way into the store, and she seemed fed up with some of the attention on her way out -- yelling at one photog for getting too close to her car. Wouldn't want another dent on that thing!

Jessica Simpson swooped into New York's JFK airport Friday night with a seven-person military escort fit for a visiting head of state. But a National Guard honcho tells TMZ, he's looking into whether the troops were really doing their job -- or just star-struck.

We were there as Simpson touched down and strolled through the airport. We're told the troops got wind Jessica was in the airport and they rushed to search and protect as she walked to her Escalade. The soldiers, outfitted in fatigues, kept photogs at bay.

National Guard Major Angelo Agro tells us he investigated the incident, and says that the soldiers were doing crowd control -- at the request of American Airlines. Asked why six armed soldiers were needed to guard one petite blonde, we're told that it was originally a group of "two or three" soldiers and that the rest of the crew just happened to be walking out at the end of their shift.

Despite the soldiers' efforts, one of the snapper's cameras collided with a friend of Jess' mom, sending her to the pavement, shaking her up badly. None of the soldiers helped the fallen women -- instead they closely guarded their prize.

BTW, the terror alert has been elevated to yellow -- not to be confused with blonde.

A TMZ photog was faced with a tough dilemma last night: continue interviewing "Borat" star Ken Davitian or ditch him mid-sentence to go after George Clooney. He chose Clooney, so he gets to keep his job.

TMZ was outside of Dan Tana's last night, talking to Davitian about his new projects, when Danny Ocean himself came strolling out. So the lensman did what any photog worth his salt would do -- ditched

Davitian to follow Clooney and his girl to their car. Well played, sir.

Georgie didn't stop to chat, so the photog made the walk of shame back to Davitian to pick up where they left off -- which, after laughing it off and begging for George to come back, Ken was happy to do.

TMZ has obtained portions of a secret document from David Copperfield's shows, outlining in extreme detail how the magician's assistants were supposed to rope in the women that David found attractive -- and hold their boyfriends and husbands at bay.

The document, titled "Show Participation," requires the people who work David's shows to arm themselves with clipboards, a Polaroid camera, a digital camera, brochures of David's islands in the Bahamas and "Blank photo(s) of David (if one of the girls is a scorpion)." "Scorpion" refers to women David brings onstage as part of his act.

The document describes how the assistants need to be heads-up for attractive women whom David can meet backstage after the performance. We're told the plan is to keep boyfriends and husband in the arena, adding "from time to time, boyfriends and husbands will give us a hard time and refuse to stay. If that is the case, try your best to get them to stay and refer to the "What to Say" sheet for help."

And it gets creepier. According to the document, "On occasion David will have you pull in both scorpions even if he is only interested in one of them, just for comfort."

But wait -- it gets worse. The assistants are told to sell the women before David arrives backstage. They're supposed to say: "Do you know that David has recently bought some islands in the Bahamas? Well they are BEAUTIFUL and we are doing a lot of project (sic) for these islands: Ads, TV, Radio and many other promotions. So we like (sic) to keep in touch with you in case there is a job in the future we think you would be interested in."

According to the document, the women are then supposed to fill out a questionnaire -- "Where are you from... What hotel are you staying in. How long are you in town. Who did you come to the show with? Husband? Boyfriend? Friend?"

And then there's the threatening letter David's lawyer sent to David's employees -- after the investigation was revealed -- telling them they had a duty never to talk about what David was really doing at his show. The plot thickens.