Disturbia: Van Damme vs. Hilton

5/21/2009 7:10 PM PDT
Terror alerts in Cannes were raised to vomit in my mouth, when Jean Claude Van Damme emerged on a balcony in a bikini brief and Paris Hilton attempted to suck the life out of that borefriend fella of hers.

Although swine flu masks were issued, the sight-borne virus was not able to be quarantined.