"Paris" So Good It Makes Paris Cry

8/22/2006 9:20 AM PDT

"Paris" So Good It Makes Paris Cry

Hot on the heels of K-Fed's not-so-spectacular musical debut, Paris Hilton's new album – "Paris" – finally drops today, though you might have been excused for thinking it's been out all summer.

And the lodging heiress isn't shy about how she thinks her maiden voyage turned out: "I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."

She tells Blender magazine that she fears the public will unfairly denigrate her musical stylings just because she's, you know, an incredibly rich socialite whose life is a perpetual cascade of jewelry, parties, rich men, and media exposure. "I think when people don't know it's me, they won't judge it," explains Paris. "But if they know it's me, then they'll be like, 'Ugh.' They won't even dance." In fact, they are dancing: the first single, "Stars Are Blind," has already shot to the top of the Billboard dance music chart.

But Paris just wants everyone to know that you're not getting the real Paris when you see her out and about: "I don't act like myself in public, because I don't really want to show everyone the real me. Because I have no privacy whatsoever, the only thing I have is who I really am." While you all mull over that...

K-Fed Hearing the Hate from Hip-Hop

He came, he rapped, he...fell flat on his face. Kevin Federline's long-awaited performance at the Teen Choice Awards Sunday got the thumbs down in a very big way yesterday, and not just from casual observers.

The musical community heaved a collective sigh of puzzlement and indifference. Elliot Wilson, editor-in-chief of XXL magazine, said that Federline's "a joke, basically. I just don't think he gets it. He doesn't get that he's Britney's man and it's hard to take him seriously." Rapper Sean Paul told one reporter that he expected more dancing from him, and Rollingstone.com panned K-Fed's performance, saying the awkward raps were bad "not in an interesting make-fun-able way, just in a boring, tedious, somebody-please-intervene kind of way."

Jermaine Hall, executive editor of King magazine, at least offered some advice to K-Fed, saying that he should cater to teenage girls: "Keep it clubby, keep it hoppy, keep it happy."

Lindsay's Dad's Mild Screed from the Slammer

While he serves time for DUI and contempt of court, among other things, Michael "Lindsay's Dad" Lohan has taken time to weigh in on various topics, presenting Lloyd Grove with an artistic representation of his life, and detailing his musings in a handwritten letter penned at a correctional facility outside Buffalo. Reflecting a world view chastened by his run-ins with the law, Lohan doesn't get very provocative in his musings.

For instance, unlike Lindsay's mom Dina, who blasted Hollywood producer James Robinson for publicly criticizing their daughter's work habits on the set of her latest film, Michael Lohan says he "is a respectable man, and I'm sure he felt it as his obligation." Lohan also appears to like Lindsay's new suitor Harry Morton: "My friends in Vegas only have good things to say about him and his family." And even Brandon Davis, who has relentlessly mocked his daughter and her anatomy, gets mercy: "I am happy that God gave me a new way of looking at, and pitying, people like Brandon."

Did Pete Doherty Miss His Own Wedding?

Supermodel Kate Moss flew 14 of her close friends down to Bali last weekend, inciting speculation that she intended to get married to rocker Pete Doherty. But there was only one problem: Doherty had to stick around London to get treatment at the Priory Clinic as part of a court-ordered punishment for a drug arrest.

As Ben Widdicombe tells it, Moss and her lawyers attempted to find a way for Doherty to get out to Indonesia, but their efforts were fruitless. "[Kate] is in a terrible state," one source in London's Daily Express says. "When she flew to Bali, she was ecstatic and told friends there was going to be a ceremony."

Goodie Bag: Diddy to Welcome Another Little Puff, Gyllenhaal to Play Lance, and SNL Lineup to Change.

P. Diddy and his longtime girlfriend, Kim Porter, are expecting their second child together, and Puffy's third, in the not-too-distant future. According to PEOPLE, the couple is "thrilled about the news," and will add to their brood, which includes 8-year-old Christian and 12-year-old Justin, who is Diddy's son with Misa Hylton-Brim . . . Jake Gyllenhaal, according to sources cited by Ben Widdicombe, will be playing Lance Armstrong in a biopic. Lance BFF Matthew McConaughey was said to be a contender for the role, but Jake has won out . . . Four cast members of Saturday Night Live are getting the axe, says the New York Post, though it doesn't reveal which ones. Meanwhile, Seth Meyers is expected to take over from Tina Fey as head writer, and Amy Poehler will continue at the "Weekend Update" desk. Darrell Hammond and Andy Samberg will be back.