Von A-Hole's Fornication Examination

Here's a log of today's proceedings...

UPDATE 2:12 PM PT: AND THAT'S A WRAP, FOLKS! And now we wait. In a totally anti-climactic move, we're told the judge is going to mail a verdict out to the parties. LAME!

UPDATE 2:03 PM PT: Pants on feuer, pants on feuer -- Edward Lee is trying to paint Smeten as a big fat ly-ah!

UPDATE 1:56 PM PT: Ahole's lawyer is pooh-poohing Smeten's claim about suffering from high blood pressure, comparing it to the same reaction you'd get from playing b-ball.

UPDATE 1:50 PM PT: Edward Lee tells the judge that Dirk Smeten "staged" the incident.

UPDATE 1:42 PM PT: Ok -- now we get Ahole's guy's summation -- we're hoping for gloves, table-pounding, some rhyming at least!!!

UPDATE 1:39 PM PT: Smeten wants $117K in compensatory damages, a multiple of seven times his medical bills -- interesting math -- and $20K in punitives -- and that's all for his lawyer.

UPDATE 1:37 PT: Pap's lawyer calls VAH's attack "sudden, unprovoked, and vicious" and claims that he threatened to kill Smeten -- Ahole looks deeply unimpressed so far.

UPDATE 1:35 PM PT: Here comes the pap lawyer's big closing ...

UPDATE 1:30 PM PT: Empty that colostomy bag, get your Oreos ready -- the Wackdaddy Currently Known as Prince is in his seat, and we're just waiting for the judge to start.

UPDATE 11:12 AM PT: Time for a lil' wienerschnitzel, folks -- lunch break until 1:30 PST.

UPDATE 11:02 AM PT: DAY-UM!!!!!! The pap's lawyer just asked, "Who was taking care of Zsa Zsa while you were fornicating with Anna Nicole Smith?" and just got a smackdown from the judge for the q! OMG OMG!

UPDATE 10:54 AM PT: ZSA-ZSA IS VAH'S BANK! He says he has no assets or income except the $200 in his wallet, which he actually pulls out -- mein gott, oh so sad, and admits that it's "shopping money for the household."

UPDATE 10:44 AM PT: Ahole says what set him off was that the photog called Zsa Zsa scheintot -- which is a expression for "almost dead," says TMZ's German.

UPDATE 10:40 AM PT: How do you say "totally deluded" in German, again? Ahole claims that his picture gets sent to the "most powerful papers in Europe."

UPDATE 10:33 AM PT: Von D-bag just apologized for getting Z-Z's age wrong yesterday -- she was 89 at the time of the alleged incident, not 98, and she's 91 now.

UPDATE 10:32 AM PT: VAH IS BACK for more direct questioning from his lawyer! Look out!

UPDATE 10:13 AM PT: The plaintiff's lawyer just finished with the doc, and VAH's lawyer then asked about how strong Ahole was. We're thinkin' -- tight muscles. Breaktime -- back in 15.

UPDATE 10:11 AM PT: Yahtzee! The direct on the doc is done -- but VAH is perilously close to naptime. Achtung!

UPDATE 9:55 AM PT: VAH is sporting a jaunty orange yellow-and-red pocket square today, as in, "Orange you tired of all this medical-bill blahdy-blah already?" Let Ahole rip!

UPDATE 9:46 AM PT: Dr. McNamee says the pap's neck injuries are bo-gus and couldn't have been caused by VAH, based on the video and the medical records.

UPDATE 9:41 AM PT: Whoaaaa doc -- the judge wants him to slow his fast-talkin' down ... he's racing like that guy from the '80s FedEx ad. Nice old-school reference, Your Honor.

UPDATE 9:38 AM PT: The doctor is questioning how the photog could've gotten a lip laceration because it didn't look like he was being hit on the video he looked at.

UPDATE 9:36 AM PT: Doc says a 3-year-old pushing on a person and a 280-pound person pushing on a person would have different impacts. Trenchant medical analysis.

UPDATE 9:35 AM PT: The doctor is getting paid 500 bucks per hour for his medical expert witness work -- and he says he's worked about two hours.

UPDATE 9:30 AM PT: The defense's expert witness is Dr. Kevin McNamee, a doctor of chiropractic and a licensed acupuncturist.