iPhone 5 Release Date -- UNVEILED NEXT WEEK

ALL HAIL SHAMELESS MATERIALISM! Apple just announced it's unveiling the iPhone 5 NEXT WEEK!!!

Well, they kind of announced it -- Apple just sent out a bunch of invitations to media outlets to an event at the Yerba Buena Center in San Francisco on September 12th. The invite doesn't explicitly say anything about the iPhone 5, but the graphic on the invite shows a giant "5" stylized as the date's shadow.

WHICH TOTALLY MEANS THE iPHONE 5!

According to completely unsubstantiated rumors on tech blogs, the iPhone 5 will have a new two-tone unibody design, a smaller dock connector, 4G LTE, and a larger 4-inch display using Sharp's IGZO technology.

And you'll only have to stand in line on a sweaty sidewalk for 6 weeks to get it.