Scientology

Scientologist Anne Archer is setting the record straight about so-called "silent birth." Archer, who has been a Scientologist for nearly 30 years and had a child before and after joining the church, says her pregnancy "was much smoother" the second time.

"We did try to keep as quiet as possible," Archer told 'EXTRA.' "We weren't completely successful, but we did the best we could!"

Celebrity magazine editors and the paparazzi are on call 24/7 this weekend, speculating on buzz that Katie Holmes will give birth in complete silence by following Scientology's strict birthing plan.

Since taking-up with the world's number one movie star, Katie, 27, has been a regular at the Celebrity Scientology Center in Los Angeles where she has been learning about the mysterious religion which Cruise, 43, claims guides his every life decision.

Scientologists believe that a woman must deliver her child without any anesthesia or noise during both her labor and birth. Furthermore, they believe that a newborn must not be separated from its mother immediately after birth, under the theory that separation could cause the baby enormous grief.

Had Cruise not chosen to express his love for Katie Holmes on that momentous May day, 2005 might have been very different. Just imagine:

Hurt by Cruise's cold, somber manner on "Oprah," Holmes storms out of the studio and announces that she's leaving the "War of the Worlds" star.

"He could have at least hugged an ottoman," Holmes says. Spurned by the 27-year-old beauty, Cruise undergoes a period of self-examination and gives up Scientology. Devastated over losing its most famous member, the church quickly recruits Russell Crowe.

Enlightenment soothes Crowe's anger, and the notorious phone-tossing incident never happens (although there are reports of the actor flicking a Cheez-It at a hotel bellboy).

His good reputation takes a hit, though, when Crowe (promoting "Cinderella Man") calls "Today" host Matt Lauer "glib" while discussing medication. The word is apparently central to Scientology beliefs - like "sin" is for Catholics.

Crowe's "Cinderella Man" co-star, Renee Zellweger, thrown by the brouhaha, seeks solace not in country star Kenny Chesney, but someone just as surprising. She marries "American Idol" finalist Bo Bice, a decision criticized by Simon Cowell.

The wedding news breaks just as the circulatory dating of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn hits full stride. It becomes too much for tabloid editors, who begin referring to them as Brangelinastonaughn.

The partner-swapping also elicits fierce debate over whether each relationship is based on true love or strategic image-making and movie-selling. The theory - dubbed "intelligent design" - doesn't quite make it to the Supreme Court.

One case that does make it to a courtroom, though, is Anna Nicole Smith's suit against Kanye West alleging that his hit song "Gold Digger" is about her. The trial is dismissed, though, after Smith shows up late to court in her pajamas.

West remains bitter, a feeling intensified by the mishandling of Hurricane Katrina. At a telethon, his co-presenter, Mike Myers, is replaced at the last minute by Michael Jackson. A confused West then proclaims: "George Bush hates white people."

Distraught over his mistake, West joins Dave Chappelle in South Africa.

Paris Hilton never meets her would-be fiance, Paris Latsis. Instead, she becomes engaged to herself. "That's hot," she claims.

The engagement lasts three weeks before splintering amid a dispute over the prenuptial agreement.

Jessica Simpson, witnessing Hilton's breakup drama, opts to stay married to Nick Lachey. Their "Newlyweds" show is renamed "Mildly Satisfied, Sort of Unhappy Married Couple, Remaining Together for Financial Reasons - Like Everyone Else."

By some strange coincidence, Martha Stewart and New York Times reporter Judith Miller end up at the same prison. Stewart brightens up Miller's cell with curtains and Miller helps Stewart with her "Apprentice" catch phrase.

The pair rules the jail, forming the "Valerie Plame Gang" in which each member must get a tattoo reading "VPG for Life: Disclose this!"

Long before Cruise sprang onto Oprah's couch or blasted Brooke Shields for taking antidepressants, the Hollywood superstar undertook intensive study and counseling at the compound in the late 1980s and early 1990s, the Los Angeles Times reported Saturday, citing current and former Scientologists.

Behind the guarded gates of the 500-acre compound near Hemet, about 90 miles east of Los Angeles, Cruise had a personal supervisor to oversee his studies in a private course room, ex-members said.

"I was there for eight years and nobody stayed long at all, except for Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman during that period," Bruce Hines, who left Scientology in 2001 after three decades in the church, told the newspaper.

Cruise stayed at the resort for weeks at a time, arriving by car or helicopter, the Times reported.

The ex-church members said Cruise stayed in a bungalow near a golf course and had a special staff to prepare his meals, do his laundry and handle other tasks around the clock.

Step aside Jesus, Michael Jackson and Barbra Streisand -- 'South Park' now has its sights set on Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology.

The Nov. 16 episode of the hit Comedy Central show, titled 'Trapped in the Closet,' features Stan being hailed as a savior by a Scientology-esque group, Radar Online reports. According to the Web site, a group of Hollywood A-listers quickly gathers outside of Stan's house, with Tom Cruise ending up stuck in a closet.

A preview clip on SouthParkStudios.com shows a news reporter saying people hope that Cruise will "just come out" and that no one knows why he's "in the closet." Somehow -- and TMZ doesn't want to try to formulate how this happens -- R. Kelly becomes involved.