In the most entertaining handwritten court papers you'll ever read, Jonathan Lee Riches -- who has filed many lawsuits against celebs in the past -- wants custody of the Gosselin kids, the Suleman kids, John Edwards' love child, all the kids on "ABC's 'All My Children'" and Bristol Palin's child "which Bristol kidnapped from Linda Tripp."
In the awesome papers, filed in Illinois, Riches claims he met Kate "at a Harrisburg Long John Silvers over octopuss" -- and when Kate went to a fertility clinic in 2002, his "sperm was added to the mix."
More awesome lines included in the papers:
-- "TLC stands for Torturing Little Children."
-- "Jon Gosselin is really a woman on steroids."
-- "I sued Black History Month."
There's much more awesomeness to be had ... JUST READ THE PAPERS.