Bruce Jenner is nobody's bitch -- or so he thinks -- saying Kris Jenner might be the "Queen of F**king Everything" ... but he still runs the show.
Coach Jenner was at LAX when a photog asked him if there's a hidden meaning to the now famous cell phone cover his wife flashed in NYC the other day.
Bruce seemed a little confused at first, but then went on to state his own version of the Declaration of Independence ... going so far as to claim he has Kris "under control."
Uhhh ... he better hope Kris doesn't see this.
He also talks about Kim Kardashian's divorce and Lamar Odom's NBA playoff run -- but there's only one part of this video his wife/manager/queen is going to remember.