For Hollywood Republicans like James Woods, Patricia Heaton and Kelsey Grammer, this week was about as much fun as a root canal. Right up there with the kick-in-the-teeth experiences of these woeful celebs.
K-Fed: "BLANK the media, BLANK the haters" bellowed Kevin Federline this week in Chicago, partying with back-up dancers and a bottle of tequila after another non-sold out tour date. He might soon be upping the BLANK ante if Britney goes ahead with plans to give away Baby Photos #2 to a magazine like Vanity Fair rather than share the media moola with the rapper. In the annals of Blonde-Bombshell-or-Bust, K-Fed is already running rings around Nick Lachey and Tommy Lee. He may soon even topple all-time champ Paul Snider, Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratten's deranged ex. As Britney continues to defecate in K-Fed's direction (as in the dictionary definition "to become clear of dregs, impurities"), we have a new name brand suggestion. K-Fed, say hello to the backwards-spelled moniker Def-K, as in defecate and three strikes you're out, bro!
Danny Baldwin: Brother #1 will preach the merits of religion; Brother #2 will crow about the soothing effects of being married to a blonde hottie; and Brother #3 will disagree with Brother #2. But in our opinion, the PR herder of Black Sheep Baldwin needs to insist that this week's SUV fracas was all part of the unfortunate holdover effects of his client's dedicated, Method acting approach to his upcoming bad guy role on Season Six of The Sopranos. The biggest irony is that Baldwin was caught by police thanks to the GPS locating abilities of the GMC Yukon's On Star system, which is as close to the star system as DB will ever get.
Simon Cowell: He says he wants to sign Kate Moss to a recording contract; he was booed off the stage at a wedding because of some tasteless best man comments; and he went classless in Seattle, dumping not only on the burg's talent pool but also on its rainy weather. Hey, it's all well and good to wield a "Freemantle" on the Kodak Theater stage, but otherwise, it's just plain overkill. We say either up the neck size on those torso-hugging T-shirts in order to allow better blood flow to the brain, or just go all the way and get photographed coming out of Fred Segal with Corey Clark.
Faith Hill: Maybe this lovely country star has the same joke writer as Senator John Kerry. Because no matter what your take is on the most popular YouTube video this side of Def-K's dose of reality, Hill's "What?" backstage shout out was about as funny as a Baghdad country ballad. Ms. McGraw, her publicist, dissed winner Carrie Underwood and half the stars in Nashville are all standing firm in their ridicule of the resulting Internet wildfire, but it would have been so much easier if Hill, like Kerry, would simply apologize for the joke not being funny. On the plus side, this adds a whole new dimension to the upcoming People's Choice Award category of Favorite Female Singer. If Underwood loses to Hill, maybe she can return the favor by mouthing, "Oh C'mon!"
Chris Cornell: Finally, some good news for Madonna. Advance reviews are starting to trickle in for Casino Royale and so far, it looks like Seattle grunger Chris Cornell's title credits song "You Know My Name" has a chance of toppling the Material Girl's "Die Another Day" as Sir Elton John's least favorite 007 theme. Then again, maybe the ex-Soundgarden and Audioslave frontman's radar is just off across the board, because he has also announced plans to cover Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean" on his 2007 album. He told MTV that he has changed the music quite a bit but not touched the lyrics at all, so apparently he skipped right past the last line of MJ's third verse ("So take my strong advice, just remember to always think twice").