This Week's Biggest Losers 09/30/06

9/30/2006 7:00 AM PDT

This Week's Biggest Losers 09/30/06

When Screech stars in a sex tape and his Saved by the Bell co-star Mario López appears on Dancing with the Stars, rather than the other way around, it would seem to confirm that things in the celebrity world often don't make sense. But thankfully for this weekly column, they are not alone.

Anna Nicole Smith:
It's hard to believe that, during this difficult time, Anna Nicole could be part of something more offensive than her new sci-fi comedy Illegal Aliens, in which she co-stars with Joanie Laurer (sample line of AN dialogue: "Who do I have to screw to get off of this movie?"). But by marrying her attorney Howard K. Stern only 18 days after the death of her son, with some pink bikini frolicking reportedly thrown in for good measure, the 38-year-old bride proved that the third time was anything but the charm. Over the years, her surgically enhanced breast size has hovered between 36A and 42DD, but what she really seems to need now is a brain implant.

Mel Gibson:
Talk about adding insult to injury. In his wildest nightmares, beleaguered A-lister Gibson could never have imagined that when time finally came for someone else to portray him, that someone else would be Chevy Chase. That's right; Chase is Mel Gibson, and you're not. It's all thanks to plans by Dick Wolf and co. to howl at Moonshadows on an upcoming episode of Law & Order, which began shooting this week with a cockeyed Chevy standing in for Mad Mel. ABC canceled his holocaust project; NBC is cooking up some Flaw & Anger. What's next? A "very special episode" of Two and a Half Men?

Ray Liotta:
On the heels of an interview with Entertainment Weekly in which he badmouthed his new CBS show Smith, the actor has scored a troubling trifecta. He checked in at #10 on Swanni's HD Horribles list, a TV website compilation of stars who don't look so good in high-def; the buzz grew stronger that Martin Scorsese's The Departed may be a more viscerally compelling gangster movie than Goodfellas; and German director Uwe Boll fought for Liotta's honor in a Vancouver boxing ring by pummeling four movie critics. Liotta, you see, stars in Boll's next videogame-inspired flick, In the Name of the King, alongside #6 HD Horribles honoree Burt Reynolds.

Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, hello yellow brick load. After telling Rolling Stone a few weeks ago that he wanted to get into hip hop, the currently touring Sir John ruined another perfectly good interview – this time with Access Hollywood - by tap dancing around the sexuality of the man Perez Hilton likes to call "The Gayken." Seriously, John can freely badmouth fellow pop queen Madonna but he can't comment on the stripes of a potential Team member? Our advice to Elton: kill two birds with one stone by skipping straight past the rap aspirations to a Christmas duet with Clay.

Naomi Campbell:
Maybe if this supermodel kept her cell phone within closer reach, she could have called a bailiff at the Manhattan Criminal Courts and let them know she wasn't going to be able to make this week's court date. Evidently, no one told Project Train Wreck that standing up a judge can have slightly more serious ramifications than blowing off a preening photographer. Campbell barely escaped a bench warrant, but it's getting old, girl. Flip a coin between Oprah and Tyra, apologize to middle America for your actions, and move on.