American Idol

Ain't just a river in Egypt, my friend.

Sorry gals, looks like the only fresh "Idol" meat left is Grade A ... as in Archuleta.

TMZ cameras caught Senor Cranky Pants outside Ago, and he wasn't wasting any time getting the hell out of dodge after last night's finale.

Ultra Motorcycle Co. of Temecula, Calif. made this custom chopper for "Idol's" winner. Even though David Cook might want to use the vehicle to get as far away from "AI" as possible, he'll have the judges along for the ride -- their mugs are painted all over the back of the bike. (Sorry, but that drawing of Randy? A little pitchy, dog.)

And that itch in his crotch? Could be his predecessors on the "Idol" throne -- that includes Fantasia and Taylor Whatshisname -- are painted right on the gas tank.

He looked good coming out of dinner -- but less than two hours later, at the "Idol" finale after party, the guy was completely obliterated, just like Fantasia's career.

His one shining hope -- turning out like Clay Aiken. That's dim.

In the middle of Young's performance, the former Idol says cops pulled the plug, citing a "noise complaint." Yeah, that's pretty much just another way of saying "your music blows!"

TMZ moles say the finale will include a virtual hologram of Gladys Knight singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" with Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Downey Jr. singing backup as the Pips. Holy Nat King Cole! "Idol" did this last season when Celine Dion sang along side a virtual undead Elvis. For the record, Gladys Knight is still alive.

We're told the Jonas Brothers, ZZ Top, Seal, Bryan Adams, One Republic, Jordin Sparks and Carrie Underwood will also perform before David Archuleta (or possibly maybe, but not likely, Cook) is crowned the winner.

While Jesus and a chauffeur took the wheel for C-Wood in a Lincoln Navigator today outside the "Idol" hotel, her predecessor was left to drive herself ... in her shiny blue Toyota.

That's almost as many votes as were cast in the '04 election.

Screw Barack or Hillary, Archuleta for President!

Hope she doesn't base her decision on one of those imaginary performances.

"Idol's" Jason Castro lays low while flying high.

Freelance reporter Sue Facter tells us she sat next to Castro on the not one, two, but three American flights it took to get back to L.A. for last week's results show, and says the singer was super chill during the crazazy flight debacle.

After two brutal flights -- one of which included sharing food with passengers because the airline didn't have enough to go around, another ending in an emergency landing, Facter tells us the dread-headed singer didn't pitch any diva fits, and he was totally chill the entire time.

Just like the stoner he says he isn't.