Dave Portnoy Uncomfortable With Taylor Swift's 'Wood,' Travis Kelce Penis Metaphors

Taylor Swift singing about Travis Kelce's "wand" is nothing magical to Dave Portnoy ... 'cause the Barstool Sports founder and diehard Swiftie says he just can't stomach a song dedicated to the Kansas City Chiefs superstar's member.

Portnoy dropped his review of Swift's new album "The Life of a Showgirl" Friday ... saying "Honey," "Eldest Daughter," "Life of a Showgirl," "The Fate of Ophelia" and "Opalite" were his favorite tunes.

Dave said his list comes with an asterisk. He enjoyed the song "Wood" on the first few spins ... but once he learned Swift wasn't actually crooning about trees, he had a hard time swallowing the tune.

"I'm not bobbing and weaving and jamming to a song about Travis' d***," he said.

"So, 'Wood' is out. Great beat, out."

As for his overall thoughts, the 48-year-old doesn't believe it's an all-time album, and while he's not sure if any of the tracks will turn out to be big hits ... it's still T-Swift at the end of the day.

He came in with huge expectations for her 12th studio album ... saying back in August he believed it would be "my favorite album of all time!"

"I think it's gonna be 12, not 11, 12 No. 1 hits!"

While it certainly ain't a 12/12 project for Pres, it was still probably a nice way for the Massachusetts native to get over the Red Sox's season ending Thursday night.

Portnoy's fandom previously made it all the way to Swift herself ... who penned him a thank you note for his support.