TMZ TV

Juan Pablo is trying to lose the giant tool label he earned on "The Bachelor" -- but JP banning people from mentioning the show around him during a PAID appearance ... ain't gonna get it done.

Here's an idea -- stop appearing places, stop talking ... and we'll forget you much faster.

Emilia Clarke is totally pumped her "Game of Thrones" character was the inspiration for Madonna's costume for Purim -- which is awesome ... even if you have NO CLUE what Purim is.

Hey, any holiday that's Khaleesi-friendly can't be half bad.

Dick Van Dyke isn't convinced there are hidden sexual images in classic Disney flicks -- so, he'd really be shocked by a Disney World crapper ... where 2 giant phalluses have popped up.

Seriously ... you can hardly call these things hidden.

Playboy, hot models, big hard ... clubs, and NOT Oscar winner Kevin Kline ... but a comedian named Kevin Klein -- all the ingredients for a hardcore golf tournament!

Unless of course ... you're the hottie whose ass was used as a tee box, and battered in the process.

Rihanna and Drake engaged in some hot, steamy, erotic ... hand-holding in PUBLIC, mind you -- which is all the evidence necessary to sway anyone who thought these 2 were NOT having sex again.

Then again ... if you're rational you might think they're just holding hands. Sooo confusing.

'Real Housewife' Porsha Williams has a new dude who's icing her up BIGTIME with shoes, jewelry, clothes, and a Rolls-Royce. Only problem -- the guy's father is a horrible dictator accused of atrocities like letting little kids starve.

Hmm ... what's a girl to do, right?

Josh Duhamel says Fergie is free to hookup with any guy she wants in a music video -- which is much more than we can say for Shakira's husband.

But since Shakira's backup plan was Rihanna ... the no-dudes zone is working out just fine for her.

Conrad Murray's strapping on his stethoscope again to treat sick children ... better than he did Michael Jackson, we're hoping. Question is: Will anyone give Connie a shot?

Well, fact is ... he's got impressive stats -- besides that one day, of course.

It'll take more than Johnny Carson's 10-inch kielbasa to get a rise out of Dave Chappelle -- but only because DC's a legend when it comes to exposing junk on TV.

Dude got Snoop Dogg and Q-Tip to collabo with singing STDs! God, we miss Chappelle.

Stacy Keibler shocked everyone by actually marrying Jared Pobre ... aka the first guy she hooked up with after George Clooney -- so, maybe the Cloons' magic stick isn't as magical as we thought?

Nah, that makes no sense. Gotta be some other explanation.

Johnny Carson needed more than leg room under his legendary late night desk -- 'cause he was packing major heat in his shorts ... based on reviews of his sex tape, anyway.

Junk worthy of the king? As Ed would say ... "You are correct, sir!"

He's the Brad Pitt of Mexican telenovelas ... so Eduardo Yanez is perfectly qualified to answer this question: Why are ALL the women so damn hot on telenovelas?

As for danger from Mexican drug cartels? He seems less informed on that.

Jimmy Fallon's crushing his competition -- partially because NBC's making one helluva deal for celebs to come on his show, and stay off all the other networks.

It's the kind of hard bargaining ... expert negotiators can appreciate.

Alanis Morissette's little puppy dog is gone, gone, gone -- snatched by an ex-housekeeper, according to the singer, and it's gonna be tough to get the little guy back.... 'cause cute pooches get no respect in court.

It's enough to make Alanis go ... chihua-waaaughhh! (Sorry, that was awful)

Former pro wrestling champ Buff Bagwell's new gig is the oldest profession of them all -- selling ass by the hour to lonely middle-aged women ... aka gigolo, hooker, male prostitute, man whore ... etc.

You get the point ... he's having a lot of sex.