Humor

Eddie Murphy is itching to get back onstage to perform stand-up comedy -- and our sources say Netflix wants to give him the perfect landing pad -- with a massive payday.

Sources connected to Murphy tell TMZ ... the comedian has been locked in talks with the streaming giant for an undisclosed number of comedy specials. We're told negotiations are hovering right around $70 MILLION for the deal ... though we've been unable to firmly confirm the exact figure.

$70 mil sounds astronomical -- Neil Armstrong astronomical -- but it's actually in line with the top dogs in comedy. Dave Chappelle scored $60 mil for 3 stand-up specials on Netflix back in 2017, and Chris Rock got $40 million for 2 specials the year before.

Murphy hung up the comedy mic years ago, and people have been clamoring for a comeback. So, given his track record -- which is incredible -- $70 mil seems in the ballpark.

WHAT A CATCH!!!

Borussia Dortmund goalkeeper Roman Burki -- one of the best in the world -- put his hands on display at a famous Seattle fish market ... and the footage is trout of this world! 

Burki -- along with BVB teammate Marwin Hitz and former keeper Roman Weidenfeller -- volunteered to do some fish-catchin' Tuesday at the Pike Place Fish Market. 

Fish catchin' at Pike Place is one of the big draws to the market ... and it's HARD -- imagine trying to grip on a full-grown, scaly, slippery fish! 

But, when the salmon came flyin', Burki stepped up ... and caught the fish with ONE HAND! 

The crowd loved it, the staff loved it ... and the fish didn't know any better because it's dead. 

Who's hungry?!

The screaming, moaning, panting and table-banging emanating from a New York deli weren’t for a piece of meat you could actually taste … they were part of an ORGASM CONTEST!!!

Katz's Deli in the Lower East Side hosted a fake orgasm contest Friday afternoon in honor of the 30th anniversary of Meg Ryan's iconic scene in "When Harry Met Sally" ... ya know, when she's losing it during a meal with Billy Crystal.

The famous scene was filmed inside the deli known for its pastrami sandwiches ... so diners were challenged to recreate the big O in front of a lunchtime crowd. Prizes were on the line.

Ya gotta see our video ... women are going absolutely wild at tables inside the restaurant, giving their best bedroom performances and pulling out all the tricks in the book. No help needed.

Seriously, this is the type of thing you need to see and hear to believe. 

We're hoping you've never experienced a fake orgasm in real life -- and we're pretty sure you've never seen one in a deli -- but let's be real, you probably have ... and here's definite proof women know how to fake it.

How badly does Mike Vrabel wanna win the Super Bowl?? Well ... the Tennessee Titans head coach says he's fully prepared to part ways with his Johnson in exchange for a championship!!

Okay, full disclosure -- pretty confident the dude was kidding .... but he definitely said it and now it's on the internet forever and there's nothing he can do to take it back.

So ... how'd we get here?? Vrabel was talking with his players, Pro Bowler Taylor Lewan and Will Compton, on the "Bussin' With the Boys" podcast ... when he was asked if he'd make the ultimate sacrifice and chop off his dong in exchange for his first ring as a head coach.

"Been married 20 years ... yeah, probably," Vrabel says.

Remember ... Vrabel won 3 Super Bowls with Tom Brady and the Patriots. But, in the coach's eyes, it's different because he won them as a player ... not a coach.

"You guys will be married for 20 years one day. You won’t need it."

And, how would Vrabel's wife, Jen, handle it??

"She’d be like do you want me to do it? Do you want to do it now?"

Karlous Miller -- an OG cast member on Nick Cannon's "Wild 'N Out" -- says his triumphant return to the show came as a result of a heart-to-heart with its host. 

The comedian -- who got fired from the show last year after a reported falling-out with Nick -- told us his guest appearance on Sunday's episode happened after he and Nick hashed out some lingering issues. The tension between them was obvious during an October interview on "The Breakfast Club." 

ICYMI ... Karlous and his 85 South Show pals aired out some dirty laundry on how he got canned -- and suggested it was because he made a crack about going on a date with his ex, Mariah Carey, and her new beau. 

Karlous (half-jokingly?) implied Nick didn't like that, and things were never quite the same in their relationship. Eventually, he says the "white people" gave him the boot, but appeared to believe it was Nick's doing. In that same interview, Nick flat-out denied it.

Fast-forward to this weekend, when Nick brought out a masked MC known as Ski Mask the Bird God ... only to reveal it was actually Karlous, shocking the audience and the cast.

They battle-rapped and even made light of the situation ... with Nick joking about Karlous getting fired on his day off. In the end, though, it was clearly all love between 'em. 

This is funny ... 

Ronda Rousey has been out of pro wrestling since April ... and she just made a pretty hilarious video to show how much she misses the squared circle! 

As we previously reported, Ronda stepped away from her day job back in April to work on starting a family with her UFC fighter husband, Travis Browne. 

No word on how that's going ... but she's clearly staying creative in her time off. Check out the video in which she pokes fun at herself for being away from the ring for so long. 

She pins Travis, she trash talks her fridge, she recreates her walk-out in the shower and practices riling the fans with a some middle finger work and an f-bomb!

WWE Hall of Famer D-von Dudley even makes a cameo so Ronda can put Travis through a table! 

Unclear when Ronda will return to WWE action -- but it seems like it'll happen sooner rather than later (even if she's pregnant and not actually physically wrestling). 

Bernie Sanders is about to become a superhero in a new comic book chronicling his quest for the White House ... and he kicks his competitions' ass in the wrestling ring. 

TMZ has obtained a couple pages from Josh Blaylock and Devil's Due's new project, "Talk Bernie To Me!: The Bernie Sanders Special and AOC Surprise" which hits the market ahead of Independence Day. 

The graphic novel depicts Bernie as a larger-than-life candidate bruising his way to the Oval Office ... knocking out Beto O'Rourke, Jeb Bush and Elizabeth Warren on his journey to the highest office in the land. 

Check out the panel in the gallery ... the candidates are beating the hell out of each other in a battle royale that looks straight out of the WWE. Beto and Warren team up against Bernie, and they all go toppling over the top rope. 

Bernie manages to hang on to the rope and thrust himself back into the ring as the last man standing ... and he's declared the winner. 

The Vermont Senator isn't the lone focus of the graphic novel ... we also got our hands on another panel, and Joe Biden is getting super touchy-feely with Kamala Harris. 

You may remember a similar comic book with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as a superhero ... and the Bernie version is from the same artist and publisher. It goes on sale July 3, with a portion of profits going to the ACLU and RaicesTexas.Org, a low-cost legal service for immigrants and refugees.

G-strings ain't just for chicks ... just ask golf superstar Brooks Koepka! 

The #1 ranked PGA player in the world decided to thong out for a friend's birthday party in Florida on Friday -- and it's clear ... dude ain't shy about it!!!

The 29-year-old butt-flossed up and bared his bod while drinking beer on a PonTiki boat in South Florida ... and tested the thong durability when he jumped off into the water.

The theme of the party seemed to be some sort of redneck vibe -- at one point, Brooks was rockin' a shirt that read, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cousin."

BK's hot girlfriend, Jena Sims, got in on the costume fun -- sporting a bathing suit inspired by that neon green man-thong from "Borat."

"Kike, my grandmother's bigger than you!"

Dodgers stud Kike Hernandez was hit with that and more by hecklers when he stepped into the batter's box Thursday night ... but he had the best response EVER to it ...

A MOONSHOT HOME RUN AND SOME BLOWN KISSES!!!

Here's the deal, the Dodgers had just taken a 9-8 lead in the 9th inning against the Rockies in Colorado when Hernandez was asked to pinch hit with two runners on.

Some fans immediately began to ride him ... with one saying, "Kike, you're small as sh*t! Boom."

Of course, Hernandez immediately proceeded to pump a Wade Davis fastball 400-plus feet to dead center of Coors Field ... and when he got back to home plate -- he made sure the hecklers knew about it.

Twitter user @Jomboy_ has the hilarious breakdown of it all ... for real, it's a must watch.

Biz Markie says he's 100% on board with 50 Cent shaming people into paying their debts ... now here's hoping Fiddy's cool with food stamps as valid currency to pay off the debt.

We got the "Just a Friend" rapper Thursday in D.C. at Reagan National Airport and, of course, had to ask him what was up with paying 50 with food stamps. ICYMI ... Biz and 50 hung out at a festival earlier this month in Minneapolis and, while backstage, Markie finally ante'd up what he owed. The look on Fiddy's face says it all.

Check out the clip ... Biz tells us exactly why he owed the "In Da Club" rapper money. BTW ... 50 putting people on blast for owing him money is entirely cool with him. It's unclear if Biz really did pay off his debt with food stamps. We really can't tell if Biz is joking or not. 50 took to Instagram and seemed to laugh off the whole thing ... so, who knows.

Nineteen very good boys and girls duked it out to see who could really make the crowd say "Woof" ... and in the end, a mangy mutt was crowned World's Ugliest Dog.

The competition was held Friday night at the Sonoma-Marin Fairgrounds & Event Center, and this year's winner is a former stray pooch who goes by the name Scamp the Tramp ... and he was runner-up last year!

According to his bio ... "no amount of conditioner can calm" Scamp's matted and messy fur. His owner says she rescued him at the "last hour" from an L.A. animal shelter, and it's been a match made in heaven.

Scamp has been a pet therapist at a senior center for 7 years, and also listens to first graders read stories on a weekly basis. Now, he can add celebrity status to his bio too -- he appeared on the "Today" show Monday morn.

In addition to his new title, Scamp took home a trophy and $1,500 ... which will be matched in a donation split between the Humane Society of Sonoma County, Angels Fund, and Compassion Without Borders.

As for the other dogs ... there was a lot of cute and ugly to go around. A 3-year-old Pekingese with a wild tongue aptly named Wild Thang took second place, and a rescue pup named Tostito -- who's missing his lower jaw -- came in third.

Louis C.K.'s surprise appearance at a comedy festival sent the crowd into a frenzy ... roaring in approval as he took the stage.

The comedian hit up Skankfest NYC Saturday night in Brooklyn ... where the crowd had ZERO clue he was about to take the mic. Check out the video ... the packed house gave Louis a standing ovation. Some of them literally jumped for joy. You can see a woman going berserk.

We're told Louis opened up his set by quickly addressing the controversy surrounding him ... telling the crowd, "If you ever masturbate in front of someone, ask them first. If they say yes, don't do it!"

Louis had the crowd laughing their asses off for about 20 minutes before calling it a night. Remember, last time he made a surprise appearance, back in September, he also got quite the ovation.

We're told the festival's promoter, Luis J. Gomez, had been working hard to get Louis C.K. to agree to perform. And, with days to spare before the festival officially kicked off, Gomez locked him down. 'SNL' star Michael Che followed Louis' set. Bill Burr also performed.

Louis, of course, is still in the midst of making a comeback since his 2017 confession -- admitting he'd exposed himself to several women and masturbated in front of them or over the phone.

Wanna feel old? Just watch these young NBA Draft picks struggle mightily to identify what rap group Andre 3000 and Big Boi were in together ... it'll get ya right in the wrinkles.

This is actually hilarious ... ESPN put together a BTS web segment called "Name the 90's," in which a handful of players from the 2019 NBA Draft class were asked to identify people, items and shows from that glorious decade. Safe to say, they all had a hard time.

Guys like Coby White (Bulls), Jarrett Culver (Timberwolves) and Rui Hachimura (Wizards) shuffled through a bunch of cards with photos of stuff like a Super Nintendo, an Easy-Bake Oven, a fanny pack, Tia and Tamera Mowry, Destiny's Child and, of course, OutKast.

That last one really tripped up the young bucks, as most couldn't even say A3 or BB's names. Darius Garland (Cavs) is the ONLY one who said OutKast outright, and Coby did say the MCs' names correctly -- assuming we heard him correctly (Andre 2000???).

Funny enough ... almost all the players were quick to ID Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell's classic 1997 flick, "Good Burger" -- without skipping a beat, really.

12:30 PM PT -- Chance says his wife was responsible for persuading him to hop onstage, and he did a full 3 minutes and "conquered a fear of mine." He shared a little bit more of his material -- it's not too shabby ... especially the Chris Hansen joke!

Chance the Rapper put on his comedian hat and used an open mic night to try out some new material, and the takeaway -- he is an amazingly talented ... rapper.

We kid, because ya really gotta hand it to him -- Chance was on a date with his wife, Kirsten Corley, Tuesday night at Chicago's Laugh Factory. After the main show, the club opened things up to the audience and Chance seized the opportunity.

Like most struggling comics ... his act needs some work. Check out the video ... the rapper gets off to a decent start by talking about how different groups of people know him for different things, and then he really goes for it -- with a fart joke!

It gets worse from there, and even Chance knows things are going off the rails after his fake news take. Fortunately, he seems to have a lot of goodwill with the crowd.

People in the club tell us he wrapped up his set pretty quickly after that ... before he could ruin it.

BTW -- here's Chance's Kit Kat commercial from a few years back ... in case you didn't get the reference in his stand-up set.