Wes Craven: Scarier than "The Hills Have Eyes II," funnier than "Pauly Shore is Dead," this week's battle royale between the 67-year-old horror meister and his wild card Hollywood Hills neighbor Pauly Shore -- might be the silliest lawsuit since Tara Reid sued that Las Vegas condo developer for a billboard that invited her to come "let it all hang out." Couldn't Craven have settled this some other way than a Superior Court motion claiming "severe emotional distress and anxiety?" Like, maybe by getting The Weasel to promise never to slip a script under Craven's door? Adding insult to injury is the fact that when TMZ.com followed up its exclusive report with a friendly housecall, it was Craven's peep -- not Shore -- who acted like that high school bully for whom the filmmaker allegedly named Freddy Krueger.
Angelina Jolie: She looked fantastic Thursday on "Larry King Live," but her mighty machinations the day before were just plain ugly. Hours before the New York premiere of her film "A Mighty Heart," Angelina unsuccessfully tried to have FOX News banned from the red carpet and get reporters who wanted to interview her to sign a consent form guaranteeing no personal questions, no future repurposing of the interview, and so on. This is a time-honored practice dating all the way back past "Eyes Wide Shut," but predictably, to do this for a film about journalistic heroism -- and one whose premiere benefited the non-profit advocacy group Reporters Without Borders -- sent media types over the edge. Angelina may be the top ranked actress on this week's Forbes Celebrity 100 (she's #14 on the list), but when she told Larry she has "great empathy" for journalists, she sounded about as phony as a three-dollar bill.
Kobe Bryant: During a week when Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James logged one of the greatest playoff performances in NBA history (as well as classiest post-game press conference), KB went public with his whining and clanged one off the respectability rim not once, or twice but ... oh hell, who's counting anymore? It all ended with Lakers owner Jerry Buss making time (before his annual vacation in Italy) to assure his star that all efforts will be made to turn the team into a contender again. And sure enough, rumors were flying at press time about a possible trade involving Indiana Pacer Jermaine O'Neal. But wait ... does Kobe really want to shack up with another guy named O'Neal? Doesn't he remember what happened last time, all of this week's Shaq rift denials notwithstanding?
Anne Heche: She does girl-on-girl, she does guy-on-girl. Heck, she can even talk dirty in an alien language if that's your thing. But apparently, none of this was enough to satisfy 34-year-old hubby Coleman "Coley" Laffoon, who Anne claimed has spent a great deal of their marriage surfing the Internet for porn. It's all part of Hollywood's latest nasty divorce battle, with custody of five-year-old son Homer hanging in the balance. The title of Heche's 2001 autobiography is "Call Me Crazy," and that's just what Laffoon has been doing, criticizing her parenting skills in his court filings. Meanwhile, Heche's Christian mom once claimed to have cured her daughter's lesbianism through prayer -- so maybe she can dial up the Big Guy again to ensure Laffoon gets nowhere near the $45,000 a month he is asking from the "Men in Trees" wackadoodle.
Paul Haggis: On the film side, Haggis, who shares his hometown of London, Ontario with hottie couple Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams -- is used to making history. He's the only screenwriter responsible for back-to-back Best Pictures ("Million Dollar Baby" and "Crash"). But on the small screen, his much ballyhooed NBC drama "The Black Donnelly's" is simply ... history. Maybe Haggis should have taken the hint when the network relegated an eighth episode, "God is a Comedian," to the realm of iTunes because it was deemed too violent. Squeezed in between "The Departed" and "The Sopranos," this story of four brothers in an Irish mob family wound up not having the luck of their brethren.
Tom Sizemore: The actor was in Bakersfield, CA to film the low-budget "American Graffiti" knockoff "American Son," and he decided to take a detour on Tuesday for a lost episode of his VH1 reality TV series, "Shooting Sizemore." After film co-star and parolee Jason Salcido challenged a hotel desk clerk to a fight, Sizemore was caught allegedly in possession of two small bags of crystal meth and a smoking pipe, leading to an on-location booking scene at the downtown slammer.
Paris Hilton: Somewhere, deep down in Nostradamus' predictions, we believe the great seer foresaw that when both "Girls Gone Wild" guru Joe Francis and Bentley fender bender Paris Hilton were simultaneously served with jail time, it would be a portentous sign that the party was coming to an end. In the wake of yesterday's 45 days probation violence sentence, everything suddenly takes on new meaning for Paris: her cell, her sidekick, her bitch ... and who would have thought that of all the recent celebrity DUI-ers, it would be the unflappable Ms. Hilton who would get yanked straight past Malibu rehab to actually pay for her crime. It's a bonanza, of course, for us here at TMZ, but September 7, 2006 (the date she was arrested in Hollywood last fall) is now her September 11.
Luke Wilson: This "Frat Pack" member may need to turn in his Hollywood fraternity card and seek the less swanky digs of the "Flat Pack." It doesn't matter what the genre is; gooey romance ("Alex & Emma"), goofy romance ("My Super Ex-Girlfriend"), crime comedy ("Mini's First Time"), sci-fi ("Idiocracy"), family entertainment ("Hoot") or shock horror ("Vacancy"). In each case, Owen and Andrew's younger bro has been a box office no-show. Wilson is hoping that by cozying up to Jessica Simpson for his next release, the romantic comedy "Blonde Ambition," he can bring his tenure as the "Ashley" of the Wilson clan to an end. If that fails, he may want to follow in the footsteps of his fellow Occidental College alum, Ben Affleck -- and try his hand at directing.
Hugh Grant: Just a few months ago, the British actor was the subject of fawning profiles in magazines such as Vogue, all of which celebrated the "Music and Lyrics" star as a misunderstood genius. Turns out that may all be a load of baked beans. Listen up, mate: When you choose to still live on the same street as your leggy ex-girlfriend Elizabeth Hurley, chances are the paparazzi will regularly try to push you past the edge of reason. And if you're going to get into a rugby scrum with a photographer, like the fracas this past Tuesday, for God's sake choose your weapons more wisely. Groceries, no; those keys you had in your other hand, better. A Divine Brown bobble head -- perfect!
Senator John McCain: The Beltway's answer to Bob Hope needs to hire new joke writers, and fast. On the heels of his misguided cover version of the Beach Boys classic "Barbara Ann" (he sang it as "Bomb Iran"), the man who has made more appearances on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" than any other guest began his latest appearance this week with a bomb. Literally. By joking that he had considered bringing back an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) from his recent visit to Iraq and plant it under Stewart's desk, McCain foolishly trivialized the number one cause of U.S. casualties in the Iraq war. Put it this way: If Senator John Kerry had made the remark, right wing bloggers would be calling for his head -- again.
Don Imus: We had Don on last week's list, but since then, events have conspired to put him in the running for This Year's Biggest Loser. Stripped of his MSNBC simulcast and WFAN-AM syndicated morning radio show, he's now pushing the control buttons of "Imus in the Mourning." Would producer Bernie McGurk's ill-fated comments have sparked as big a furor had they been exchanged with a top-selling rap artist? You know, the kind that keeps radio parent company Viacom in the green via MTV and BET? Hard to say, but with the loss of Howard Stern and now the 66-year-old Imus, CBS Radio is suffering a serious case of jock shock.
Keith Richards: Given that Johnny Depp has tipped his pirate hat to the rocker for helping inspire the stagger of Captain Jack Sparrow, call this one "Dead Man's Jest." The Rolling Stones guitarist swears he was only kidding when he told the UK's "New Musical Express" (NME) that he once snorted cocaine mixed with some of his dad Bert's ashes. Forget the fact that the journalist who interviewed him, Mark Beaumont and a boatload of fans worldwide are not buying the recant. The real questions now are: a) Can anything Richards does on screen as Jack's father Teague in next month's "At World's End" top this scenario?; and, b) If the Stones do tour again, will Richards be able to get through his signature song, "Before They Make Me Run," and the lyric "Booze and pills and powders, you can choose your medicine" without the lighters turning to laughter?