The View

"Don't anybody worry where Rosie's going – she's right here," said O'Donnell, rumored to be leaving after her contract ended in the summer. Reports swirled that she might bolt to join the cast of FX's drama "Nip/Tuck," on which she's had a starring role. But Rosie pointed out she could shoot her episodes of "Nip/Tuck" while "The View" is on hiatus during the summer.

Sources have suggested that Rosie's had a tough time fitting in at "The View," but there's no doubt that she's been ratings gold for the show – last month it had its biggest November audience ever.

Dolly Parton told Jessica Simpson not to worry about her shaky performance at the Kennedy Center Honors, saying that Jessica is "so talented and that she'd be "honored" to return the favor someday.

Parton released a statement in which she waved off Simpson's nerve-wracked rendition of "9 to 5." "Jessica is so talented that I'm sure that someday they will be paying tribute to her and I would be honored to perform for her," said Parton. "But I'll probably be so nervous that I'll forget my wig!"

Beyonce ambushed her Jiggaman with a stunningly expensive three-day birthday party – but it didn't turn into the nuptials that had been rumored. As Rush & Molloy report, the supposed "wedding," which was meant to be happening this weekend, isn't, and the couple and their lucky pals are already back from the birthday party. Still, what a party it was: The couple and 20 of their closest pals boarded two chartered 757s Monday night (one had a 20-seat movie theater), boarded a 270-foot yacht in St. Martin, then swam, snorkeled, and even submarined into the depths of the ocean for two days. An R&M source estimates that the sybaritic shindig cost $1 million per day.

In the bizarre email uncovered yesterday by Page Six, Lindsay Lohan mentioned that she might sue a certain "LR" for tattling on her to the tabloids. That "LR," says the Post, is her former assistant, Lindsay Ratowsky. The two Lindsays have had a famously rocky relationship ever since Ratowsky ditched Lohan to work for Jessica Biel, and she fumed when Ratowsky showed up to an event last week with Biel. Meanwhile, as TMZ reported yesterday, Al Gore doesn't know anything about helping La Lohan do an image makeover, nor do the Clintons, either, as the freckled phenom had suggested in her missive.

Tori Spelling is selling her stuff today in Studio City, so get there early (it starts at 9 AM PT) and sharpen those elbows. She tells People, "I wanted to get organized before the baby arrives, so this seemed the perfect time to clean house." You can snap up her "90210" memorabilia and "jeans that [her] preggers butt can't fit into anymore." ... Heather Mills has fired Anthony Julius of London law firm Mishcon de Reya and will be representing herself in her divorce proceedings because, according to her rep, she can't afford a lawyer ... Original "Survivor" winner Richard Hatch is appealing his conviction on tax-evasion charges, saying that he had agreed with the show's producers that his tax burden would be shouldered by them, which they deny. Hatch is serving a four-year prison sentence.

With all of Rosie O'Donnell's discussion of Britney's drawers this week on "The View," we thought we'd delve into her, er, personal wardrobe too.

Should you so desire, eBay has an auction for an XL teddy Rosie wore during the filming of "Exit to Eden." With a starting price of $250, this wouldn't cover a single pair for Britney, but it will get you into Rosie's pants (if you really want to go there).

So said Joy Behar of Danny DeVito this morning on "The View," referring to his wacky, limoncello-lubricated appearance on Wednesday's show. "He was drunk as a skunk," exclaimed Joy, though the ladies all agreed that it was in good fun. Den mother Barbara Walters said that DeVito had called her to apologize, and that she'll have him back on the show, "better sober than not."

Later, Rosie continued her appeal for temporary adoption of young Britney Spears, and offered her a gift of something she's been sorely lacking in recent days (and nights) -- panties. In addition to one comely pair with the glittery inscription "No Peeking" on them, Rosie also offered her a pair of her own undergarments, for Brit to use "as a body stocking." Or temporary shelter.

DeVito, appearing as a guest on the show to plug his latest comedy, "Deck the Halls," told the View gals that he might not have gotten to sleep just yet ... before the 10 AM taping.

Then, cursing his seventh limoncello (a lemon liqueur) from the night before, DeVito went on an extended, Three Stooges-esque rant against President Bush, much of which was bleeped out by network censors. He also talked about making full use of the Lincoln Bedroom in the White House when he and wife Rhea Perlman stayed there.

Joy and Rosie laughed at DeVito's antics. Elisabeth seemed tolerably amused, despite the political slant. Barbara, however, was very much not so, glaring icily at the "limonized" DeVito.

O'Donnell really, really wants to snatch Brit from the clutches of her panty-shunning pals, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, and provide basic instruction to the Britster on how to wear underwear again.

She told Elisabeth, Joy and Barbara that her feelings for Britney were "purely maternal," and that she didn't worry about Britney corrupting her own kids -- a concern that Joy sensibly raised. Rosie also appealed to Victoria's Secret to provide an unlimited supply of underwear to the Taco Belles, so that we -- and the rest of the viewing public -- don't have to be subjected to their "ying-yang," as Rosie called it.

Barbara, austere as ever, asked only the eternal question, "Why?"

Babwa surprised her co-hosts by opening the show with her own statement about Ro versus Ripa and Clay-Handgate, saying that Rosie had talked to "our good friend Kelly Ripa" as well as Aiken, and that all was well, though Joy did invite Barbara to cover her mouth with her hand.

Later, though, Rosie made no mistake that she was unhappy about being ambushed by a livid Kelly Ripa on yesterday's show, saying, "I didn't think it was a great thing putting her on."

The fracas started on "The View" when O'Donnell said that Ripa was "homophobic" for her scolding of Aiken when he co-hosted her show the other day and playfully put his hand over her mouth, prompting Ripa to snap, "I don't know where that hand has been." Rosie suggested that if Aiken had been a "straight guy, a cute guy" or, for instance, Mario Lopez, Ripa wouldn't have made the same remark. (Aiken, of course, has never said anything publicly about his sexuality.)

Ripa was incensed enough to call into the show immediately, firing back that Rosie's accusation was "outrageous" and "irresponsible" and that Ripa made the remark last Friday because it was "cold and flu season" and that Aiken had shaken the hands of the studio audience. Rosie wasn't buying it, and in acknowledging that she admires Ripa, said that "from where I sit" as an openly gay woman, Ripa's response was homophobic.

Kelly, for her part, continued to pile on Aiken as well, saying that his behavior on last week's episode was "disrespectful," including the fact that he never thanked her for the opportunity to co-host. Kelly and the ladies agreed on one thing: guest host Sherri Shepherd's assertion that Clay probably wouldn't have muzzled Regis like he did Kelly.

O'Donnell was talking about her own gay admission to Warner Bros. execs when she started her talk show back in 1995, and said that she kept it mainly under wraps to avoid controversy. But, she added, "At the time when my show was on, there was no Drudge Report, there was no Perez Hilton, there was no TMZ, and you could be gay and have a big successful career and no one would ask you -- no journalist ever asked me."

Her former bigness hit the trendy Mr. Chow restaurant in Hollywood last night to treat herself to a high quality meal. They don't serve crow.

Although she has yet to land a new gig, it's good to see that the once larger-than-life lawyer has socked away enough dough to afford a few dumplings.

"The View" co-hostesses, Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselblech, are usually bumping heads -- but last night, the two couch-sisters were all lovey dovey. Rosie and Elisabeth attended last night's Broadway opening of "Les Miserables" together.

Rosie, with a handycam, was filming her own footage of the event. She took a break to pose for pics with Miss Lizzie. While Elisabeth's smile seemed genuine, Rosie looked slightly 'miserable.'

Rosie kicked off the episode talking about "the day after" and how she was "over the moon excited" -- a veiled reference to the election results from yesterday. But no, Rosie had other things on her mind -- Britney kicking K-Fed to the curb! Rosie shouted out the news and screamed out "Confetti!" as tons of streamers fell from the ceiling. You want election coverage, turn to CNN. You want Britney love, check out "The View."

Fed-bashing wasn't limited to The View. "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno took a shot at the former couple during his election night monologue as well.

Meanwhile, today, Rosie was picking zits, not nits, as she welcomed her best friend Jackie Ellard to the show as part of Best-Friend-Guest-Host Week. Ellard revealed that one of Rosie's most troubling habits was her comedone-extracting compulsion (aka picking other people's zits), and Rosie informed us that one of her weapons of mass extraction was a paper clip.

Thank you, Rosie, for that dermatological tutorial. Thankfully, an ABC rep had this to say about last week's incident: "It's a live show and technical glitches sometimes happen ... No big deal."

Elisabeth and Joy began their sparring when Joy criticized President Bush and his lieutentants for "making hay" out of Sen. Kerry's remarks on Monday when he suggested to group of students that a poor education would lead to their being "stuck in Iraq," offending troops and politicians everywhere (Kerry said yesterday that he mishandled a joke, and meant to criticize the Bush administration.)

That persistently doctrinaire right-wing political thinker Elisabeth jumped all over Kerry (and Joy), equating the Senator to "Mel Gibson without the booze," slamming his flip-flops, and then defended President Bush for his "higher IQ" and "better grades" than Kerry while the two were at Yale. Joy was having none of it, and the two exchanged a flurry of invectives.

The denizens of TV's favorite coffeeklatsch, joined by former morning-show diva Kathie Lee Gifford, took royal aspiration to a completely different level on their Halloween show and dressed as famous female monarchs, complete Rosie as Queen Victoria, Joy as Queen Elizabeth II and especially convincing physical (and dramatic) impressions. Elisabeth played Marie Antoinette, and Kathie Lee was, well, Catherine the Great.

Talking to Rosie, Joy, and Elisabeth about her various plastic surgery mishaps over the past couple years, Tara tried to explain how a surgeon fixed her rather mishandled breast implants with the help of a blue piece of card stock. "Say this is a piece of paper," said Tara, to which Joy replied, "That is a piece of paper, Tara." The explanation that followed was no more cogent, mixing areolas and incisions and the paper into a weirdly incomprehensible jumble that had Rosie looking awfully confused.

Joy, as usual, saved the moment by comparing the procedure -- and Reid's explanation -- to an Italian family in Brooklyn.

Rosie told the ladies that she'd been cruising the Internet and that rumors were swirling there that Elisabeth hated her and was about to leave the show. Young Hasselbeck, wearing a suit jacket not seen since a Grosse Pointe holiday party in 1979, vowed her love for Rosie with one hand on her "View" mug and another in the air.