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Crazy Publicist Gets Her Own Gummi

9/13/2008 6:30 AM PDT
Charmaine Blake is the ZZZ-list self-proclaimed "craziest publicist in town".

Charmaine has star clients like Playboy dummy Colleen Shannon, and Helga from "American Gladiators." Now she's added her worst client yet. We call him Japanese Gummi Bear.

The Z List - This Week's Biggest Losers 06/23/07

6/23/2007 4:00 AM PDT
Somewhere in Benedict Canyon, the ghost of Cary Grant is muttering, "Kobe, Kobe, Kobe!" But since the (BS) artist formerly known as Number 8 was on our list just two weeks ago, we give you this starting five instead.

Wes Craven: Scarier than "The Hills Have Eyes II," funnier than "Pauly Shore is Dead," this week's battle royale between the 67-year-old horror meister and his wild card Hollywood Hills neighbor Pauly Shore -- might be the silliest lawsuit since Tara Reid sued that Las Vegas condo developer for a billboard that invited her to come "let it all hang out." Couldn't Craven have settled this some other way than a Superior Court motion claiming "severe emotional distress and anxiety?" Like, maybe by getting The Weasel to promise never to slip a script under Craven's door? Adding insult to injury is the fact that when followed up its exclusive report with a friendly housecall, it was Craven's peep -- not Shore -- who acted like that high school bully for whom the filmmaker allegedly named Freddy Krueger.
Scott Baio: Unless he can prove that he was rehearsing a funky dunky remake pitch of the old cult film "Harold and Maude," this usually spot-on lothario has got some explainin' to do. As reported earlier in the week by, Baio once had a one-night stand with Liza Minnelli, who turned 60 earlier this year. It's a good thing she was probably by that time a "Sterile Cuckoo," otherwise we might have another irritating child star running around Hollywood (picture the name Tiffani Baio-Minelli on the call sheet).

Chris Matthews: The cantankerous host of MSNBC's "Hardball" apparently read the wrong sign from his catcher-producer on Wednesday, teeing it up at the tail end of a commercial break and uncorking a wild spitball. "We're all reacting here and putting on sh*t," he bellowed with regard to his program's attempt to cover New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg's decision to bolt from the GOP. All this after a commercial block that touted "the power of NBC News." If NBC-Universal has a three yikes policy, Matthews better watch his back, as this comes on the heels of a previous on-air use of the S-word in January. Where's "SNL"'s Darryl Hammond when we need him?

Sally Kirkland: Was that a Paris Hilton protest the other day or an impromptu meeting of the Sally Kirkland fan club? True, the 62-year-old gal is still hanging around in indie flicks like "Hollywood Dreams" and "Factory Girl," but pointing her liberal energies toward the jailed socialite (and pal Nicole Richie) may be the wackiest thing she's done since she used her "Ed TV" money to have her breast implants removed. As an acting coach on "The Simple Life," Kirkland was there to show some girl power solidarity for her two young charges. But given the way she looked, the rallying cry really should have been: "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille!"

Eli Roth: Boo... hoo. The torture porn maestro isn't so scary now after his sequel "The Hostel: Part II" racked up a measly two-weekend box office total of $11.2 million. In pre-release publicity, Roth said he always follows Mexican filmmaker Guillermo del Toro's advice to make the film project that "gives you the biggest boner." But he's the boner now thanks to his whining about how piracy killed the video star. If Roth's claim that some film critics wrote their review based on viewing an unfinished Internet bootleg, he's definitely got company on this one. But take it like a man, Eli; every boner filmmaker is bound to have his ups and downs in Hollywood.

The Z List This Week's Biggest Losers 06/16/07

6/16/2007 3:59 AM PDT
We were all witnesses this week to LeBron James learning some hard lessons at the hands of the future Mr. Eva Longoria. And King James' 0-4 flameout was echoed in the Zone by similarly cavalier behavior.

Angelina Jolie: She looked fantastic Thursday on "Larry King Live," but her mighty machinations the day before were just plain ugly. Hours before the New York premiere of her film "A Mighty Heart," Angelina unsuccessfully tried to have FOX News banned from the red carpet and get reporters who wanted to interview her to sign a consent form guaranteeing no personal questions, no future repurposing of the interview, and so on. This is a time-honored practice dating all the way back past "Eyes Wide Shut," but predictably, to do this for a film about journalistic heroism -- and one whose premiere benefited the non-profit advocacy group Reporters Without Borders -- sent media types over the edge. Angelina may be the top ranked actress on this week's Forbes Celebrity 100 (she's #14 on the list), but when she told Larry she has "great empathy" for journalists, she sounded about as phony as a three-dollar bill.

Kelly Clarkson: Short of finding out that Sanjaya was her opening act, Clarkson had about as bad a week as possible since being crowned "American Idol." Following reports that she was having a tug of war with recording industry legend Clive Davis over the contents of her upcoming new album "My December," Clarkson was forced to cancel a planned 40-city arena tour because of disappointing ticket sales. She also fired her manager, Jeff Kwatinetz. Clarkson tells Elle Magazine that she turned down an offer of $10 million from Davis to swap out five tracks on the upcoming album for songs he felt were more commercially viable. On the one hand, you have to admire her spunk; on the other, this is Clive Davis! If they decide not to release "My December," maybe she can go hard rock and wail about "My May and June."

Dan Rather: There's no doubt that Dan has a right to feel a little miffed (still) about how his final days at CBS were handled. But that's no reason to start calling out your successor, Katie Couric, on FOX News' "Your World" program. Dan now traffics in high definition feature pieces for Mark Cuban, but his thought process here was definitely more of the low-definition variety. Within a day or so of making his remarks, Rather was in the sights of not just CBS head honcho Les Moonves, but also every right-wing -- and left-wing -- blogger with laptop battery power. Rather is a man who loves homespun analogies, so here's one for him from TMZ: Your catcalls make about as much sense as trying to gussy up "Dallas" for the big screen. (Indeed, Larry Hagman claimed this week that the whole sorry 2008 endeavor has been scrapped.)

Michael Moore: This guy likes conspiracy theories, and it's hard not to think that someone who doesn't take too kindly to the Flint, Michigan rabble rouser's documentaries is behind this week's Internet leak of Moore's upcoming July 4 weekend shocker "Sicko." All of a sudden, the U.S. government's objections to Moore's trip to Cuba with 9/11 rescue workers to seek better health care treatment for the group's respiratory ailments, seem like the least of his problems. "Sicko" is all over the Internet, presenting the Weinstein Co. with much bigger problems than those faced by 20th Century Fox after a Memphis movie theater projectionist wrote on "Ain't It Cool News" about how bad he thought "The Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer" was.

David Chase: In a canned interview published Tuesday in the "New Jersey Star-Ledger," the creator of the best gangster drama this side of Martin Scorsese insisted he was not trying to mess with heads with the fade-to-black mystery ending of Sunday's final Episode 86. But a large part of the Tony Soprano nation is having none of it, even in light of increasing evidence that all the clues were there to suggest that T got popped. For many "Sopranos" fans, Sunday's permanent cliffhanger was about as much fun as being shot in the gut by Uncle Junior.

The Z List - This Week's Biggest Losers 06/02/07

6/2/2007 4:01 AM PDT
Meteorologically speaking, this weekend marks the official beginning of "June gloom" in Los Angeles, a period during which each day begins with a deep fog. But some celebs chose to get an early jump on the foggy phenomenon.

Kobe Bryant: During a week when Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James logged one of the greatest playoff performances in NBA history (as well as classiest post-game press conference), KB went public with his whining and clanged one off the respectability rim not once, or twice but ... oh hell, who's counting anymore? It all ended with Lakers owner Jerry Buss making time (before his annual vacation in Italy) to assure his star that all efforts will be made to turn the team into a contender again. And sure enough, rumors were flying at press time about a possible trade involving Indiana Pacer Jermaine O'Neal. But wait ... does Kobe really want to shack up with another guy named O'Neal? Doesn't he remember what happened last time, all of this week's Shaq rift denials notwithstanding?

Al Gore: With Lilo banking PSA, coke and DUI headlines, and Paris booking stylists for Tuesday's prison premiere, and Britney allegedly barfing up a storm at Sky Bar, the former Vice President's plea for headline news sanity has been resolutely drowned out. Gore has been hot and heavy on the talk show trail to promote his new book, "The Assault on Reason," bemoaning the fact that Hollywood meltdowns are a hotter topic than global warming. But until Lilo crashes a Prius, Paris sews her own hemp clothing, and Britney recycles her shorn hair, all those disenfranchised young voters aren't going to have any reason to care about reason. At this point, the only thing that might be able to trump the terrible trio is a Gore-DiCaprio ticket.

Michael Cimino: With another Cannes Film Festival now in the books, determining the biggest loser is pretty much a "merde shoot" (that's our informal translation of crap shoot). Was it the corps of international journalists that Roman Polanski took to task for their dumb questions at a press conference, bolting for lunch after blaming "the computer" for their low critic IQ? No. Was it the anti-Michael Moore blogger who found out for sure that his nemesis was the one responsible for anonymously paying for a year's worth of health insurance? No. For our francs, the biggest loser was "Heaven's Gate" auteur Michael Cimino, whose three-minute contribution to a special 60th anniversary compilation film was roundly booed by those low IQ critics. Might be time for the 68-year-old auteur to park it in the south of France year-round.

Stewart Copeland: The Police drummer has a thing or two to learn about 21st century fan coddling. After the band's second arena concert performance in Vancouver, where the reunited group kicked off their gargantuan, sold out world tour, Copeland logged on to and sent out a careless S.O.S. He dubbed the Wednesday GM Place performance "lame," and instantly sullied the memories of that night's 20,000-plus fans by trashing the group's off-kilter performance of many of its greatest hits. "Screw it, it's only music," Copeland wrote, but tell that to the folks who forked over major Canadian coin to B.C. scalpers. Here's a tip, Stew: after tonight's concert in Edmonton, stay away from the laptop.

Eminem: With the lingering unpleasantness of a second divorce from his first wife, the rapper got bitch-slapped this week by none other than the Thing of Pop. Thanks to a deal through Sony/ATV, Michael Jackson is now part-owner of a $370 million song catalogue that includes several by Eminem. While Jackson may think that a cover version of "The Real Slim Shady" is the perfect way to get back at Eminem for making fun of him once upon a time in "Just Lose It," we still think it's not as bad as the idea of these two teaming up for a ghetto remix of "Ivory and Ivory." They say bad luck comes in threes, so after this and the Ducks dumping the Red Wings, Detroit might want to get ready for the Pistons getting bounced out of the playoffs on Sunday.

The Z List This Week's Biggest Losers 05/26/05

5/26/2007 4:02 AM PDT
Lindsay Lohan's mom insists she never told Star Magazine that her nickname is "The White Oprah," a moniker born of her willingness to listen to her friends' problems. And Oprah's dad has denied reports he is writing a tell-all book. But not everyone this week got off so lucky.

Anne Heche
: She does girl-on-girl, she does guy-on-girl. Heck, she can even talk dirty in an alien language if that's your thing. But apparently, none of this was enough to satisfy 34-year-old hubby Coleman "Coley" Laffoon, who Anne claimed has spent a great deal of their marriage surfing the Internet for porn. It's all part of Hollywood's latest nasty divorce battle, with custody of five-year-old son Homer hanging in the balance. The title of Heche's 2001 autobiography is "Call Me Crazy," and that's just what Laffoon has been doing, criticizing her parenting skills in his court filings. Meanwhile, Heche's Christian mom once claimed to have cured her daughter's lesbianism through prayer -- so maybe she can dial up the Big Guy again to ensure Laffoon gets nowhere near the $45,000 a month he is asking from the "Men in Trees" wackadoodle.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Six years after slogging through "Survivor: The Australian Outback," this gal made the mistake of trying to outwit, outplay and outlast Rosie O'Donnell, a fearsome member of the Bloggablogga Tribe. Their big Wednesday blowout over the Iraq war quickly led Ro to pull the plug on her remaining time on Babs Island, which makes Monday's pre-taped episode of "The View" her last. So ... not only did Elisabeth drive away her 'Sheryl-Have-You-Seen-My-Ass?' colleague, she also inspired Rosie's sworn enemy, The Donald, to give O'Donnell a thumbs-up for her anti-war stance. Guess that scuttles any possibility of Trump, as he and we also once suggested, replacing Rosie as the resident loudmouth on "The View."

Brittany Murphy: This squeaky-voiced actress has marriage split troubles of an entirely different nature. Just a month after getting hitched to British film director Simon Monjack, word is that she may not have much of a future with him on this side of the pond. After spending nine days in jail because of an expired visa, Monjack is scheduled for a July hearing with US Immigration & Customs Enforcement -- at which point he may well be sent packing. Luckily, the locations chosen for Monjack's next film, "The White Hotel," in which Brittany is slated to star as an opera singer treated in Vienna by Sigmund Freud, are in Italy, Latvia and the Czech Republic. But Brittany might need an escort for the Hollywood premiere.

Joaquin Phoenix, Eva Mendes: This lovely Cannes couple, together on the French Riviera to promote the upcoming New York Russian mob flick, "We Own the Night," were apparently having a little too much fun in the land of the mighty Euro. In an interview broadcast Friday on the UK breakfast show "GMTV," they admitted they were "still drunk" from the obligatory partying. Then, in his best bottomed-out, Man in Black tones, Joaquin muddied the matter further by telling co-host Kate Galloway that he had "slept at 11:30, [gotten] up at 4:30, up at 5:30, up at 6:30 and then finally at 7:30." And these were the parts of the interview that were comprehensible.

Katie Holmes: On the one hand, it's probably a nice break for Mrs. Tom Cruise this weekend to not have to consult lawyers and/or friends/handlers about the latest Scientology brainwash rumor. On the other, it really is still a crappy holiday when a virginal porn star has announced that she plans to adopt the screen name "Katee Holmes" for her cherry-popping debut, "True Diary: I'm a Virgin." This lass' manager, no rookie himself when it comes to the funky name dept. (he bills himself as Shy Love), insisted that his client is "using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed innocence in whatever she has done." At least the folks at Shane's World, producers of the film, didn't call the movie "Dawson's Crack."

The Z List - This Week's Biggest Losers 05/19/07

5/19/2007 3:59 AM PDT
George Lopez lost a bunch of money this week because of Geico, whose cavemen characters helped nudge him off the ABC-TV grid. At least Lopez made it to the promised land of syndication; others in the annual network TV upfront derby weren't so lucky.

Paul Haggis: On the film side, Haggis, who shares his hometown of London, Ontario with hottie couple Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams -- is used to making history. He's the only screenwriter responsible for back-to-back Best Pictures ("Million Dollar Baby" and "Crash"). But on the small screen, his much ballyhooed NBC drama "The Black Donnelly's" is simply ... history. Maybe Haggis should have taken the hint when the network relegated an eighth episode, "God is a Comedian," to the realm of iTunes because it was deemed too violent. Squeezed in between "The Departed" and "The Sopranos," this story of four brothers in an Irish mob family wound up not having the luck of their brethren.
Donald Logue: It's never a good sign when a sitcom's working titles were way funnier than the one they eventually used. Who knows? If ABC's "Knights of Prosperity" had stuck with either "I Want to Rob Jeff Goldblum" or "Let's Rob Mick Jagger," it might not have been grounded for life. But Logue was a sport about it all, jumping onto the IMDB bulletin boards before the upfronts, giving fans the scoop and putting in his two cents about the context of his cancellation. "We opened against a bowl game (Notre Dame LSU) and did well," he wrote of his show's critically acclaimed first episode. "The next week we were pre-empted by George Bush assuring the U.S. public that 25,000 more troops were going to be asked to give up their lives by getting between Sunnis and Shias who have been fighting for 1300 years..."

Andy Richter: Conan's former sidekick just cannot catch a break in primetime. With NBC chopping "Andy Barker P.I.," he's got another one to add a trash heap, which includes "Quintuplets" and "Andy Richter Controls the Universe." What really stings in this case is that Conan co-created the show with Richter and threw all of his weight behind it at the Television Critics Association Winter Press Tour. "I feel like this is the best primetime work I have ever done," said Richter at the time. But when Richter saw that NBC was willing to put all six episodes up on the Internet before they had aired, it must have felt about as good as reading the reviews for his Olsen twins flick "New York Minute."

Michael Rapaport: Always a fun guest on "The Best Damn Sports Show Period," this guy's sitcom "The War at Home" was moved around willy-nilly for two years by Fox, eventually winding up in the death slot of 7:30 PM Sundays. And even though Rapaport has another TV pilot cooking over at CBS called "Fugly," he still sounded pissed when he sent out a pre-emptive MySpace bulletin last weekend, confirming the cancellation of his family comedy. It was definitely in-your-face entertainment ala "Married with Children," but one suspects that if Simon Cowell had been cast as the nosy neighbor, it would have survived.

Aaron Sorkin: In the sketch show, coin-flip sweepstakes, Sorkin's low-rated "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" lost out on Monday to the scandal-plagued "30 Rock." Sorkin fans everywhere are still in mourning, bemoaning the fact that a new bionic woman has been favored by the Peacock over unabashedly adult entertainment. But after a hiatus revamp failed to win viewers with more romance, this very expensive failure will now get to play out the string on Thursdays. Still, Sorkin has what no others in TV land have: the ability to cry all the way to the Tom Hanks-Julia Roberts-Mike Nichols bank (the stars and director of the upcoming Sorkin-scripted feature film, "Charlie Wilson's War").

The Z List - This Week's Biggest Losers 05/12/07

5/12/2007 4:00 AM PDT
There will be three more seasons of "Lost," and most likely, three more "Spider-Man" movies. But here at the Z List, we're much more intrigued by the fact that Eddie Murphy is now working on a big screen version of "Fantasy Island" -- with the screenwriters responsible for "Norbit." Da Pain! Da Pain!

Tom Sizemore: The actor was in Bakersfield, CA to film the low-budget "American Graffiti" knockoff "American Son," and he decided to take a detour on Tuesday for a lost episode of his VH1 reality TV series, "Shooting Sizemore." After film co-star and parolee Jason Salcido challenged a hotel desk clerk to a fight, Sizemore was caught allegedly in possession of two small bags of crystal meth and a smoking pipe, leading to an on-location booking scene at the downtown slammer.

Opie and Anthony: Wednesday was a dark day for the XM Satellite Radio shock jocks, thanks to a bit with Homeless Charlie. And once again, the Internet played a key role, as the offensive clip was downloaded from the subscriber service to open realm of the World Wide WTF? The duo apologized on-air yesterday for Charlie's crude fantasies involving Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush and Queen Elizabeth, but the scuttlebutt in some circles is that this "Opie & Anthony Show" could put a Washington regulation damper on the "XM & Sirius Show." First Imus, now these guys; they're really making it way too easy for Howard Stern to remain the King of All Media.

John Schneider: "Laguna Beach" is apparently not the only slice of prurient reality to come out of the beachside burg. Local resident William Fisher, aka fishbashr1, who bid $9,900,500 on eBay for the actor's famous TV series car "the General Lee," may be a few dollars short. For now, Schneider has resisted the temptation to jump through the drivers side window and race on down from Agoura Hills, where his auction-worthy effects are held. Although all this free publicity may boost the fortunes of the actor's current car flick "Collier and Co.," it likely won't be to the tune of $10 mil. At least Schneider can take out his feelings behind the wheel, during next week's Nevada Road Open Challenge on Highway 318, a longtime annual real-life Bo ritual for Schneider.

Chris Albrecht: As "The Sopranos" crosses the midway point of its sixth and final season this weekend, the HBO boss is paying a very heavy price for surrendering to his inner Christopher. After falling off the AA wagon two years ago (his own admission), Albrecht allegedly unleashed some Adriana treatment on an unnamed girlfriend in the MGM Grand valet parking lot last weekend after the big boxing match. By Wednesday, he was no longer pay cable's made man. Makes you wonder if the Bada Bing backroom was partly inspired by David Chase's trips to the HBO conference room.

Yale Galanter, Esq.: The night of Street Sense's triumph at the Kentucky Derby, former thoroughbred O.J. Simpson showed - gasp! - some common sense when the owner of a local steakhouse asked him to leave because of the giddy commotion he was causing. The namesake proprietor of Jeff Ruby's Louisville told a local TV station that O.J. "was really good about it. It was the first class he has shown in 15 years." So why then, is attorney Galanter all over the news, threatening to sue Ruby over his client's Saturday ouster? We're not entirely sure, but in this case we must insist he heed the words of today's Johnny Cochran special: "If the Juice is happy to split, you must zip it."

The Z List - This Week's Biggest Losers 05/05/07

5/5/2007 4:02 AM PDT
News of a Toastee Toof sex tape this week caused about as much excitement as the notion of "Flavor of Love 3." So instead, we prefer to hit rewind on some of the folks who embarrassed themselves with their clothes on.

Paris Hilton: Somewhere, deep down in Nostradamus' predictions, we believe the great seer foresaw that when both "Girls Gone Wild" guru Joe Francis and Bentley fender bender Paris Hilton were simultaneously served with jail time, it would be a portentous sign that the party was coming to an end. In the wake of yesterday's 45 days probation violence sentence, everything suddenly takes on new meaning for Paris: her cell, her sidekick, her bitch ... and who would have thought that of all the recent celebrity DUI-ers, it would be the unflappable Ms. Hilton who would get yanked straight past Malibu rehab to actually pay for her crime. It's a bonanza, of course, for us here at TMZ, but September 7, 2006 (the date she was arrested in Hollywood last fall) is now her September 11.

Charles Barkley: For anyone who watched "Inside the NBA" following the stunning Dallas Mavericks - Golden State Warriors elimination game on Thursday, it was a new benchmark in role model pouting. The TNT color commentator was crestfallen that the outcome of another Game Six earlier in the day between Utah and Houston meant that he was going to have to cancel a trip to Vegas today for the Oscar De La Hoya - Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight. Even Ernie Johnson and Kenny "the Jet" Smith seemed taken aback as Chuck connected the dots for the first time, on air. It was at once hilarious, weird and inappropriate (via Barkley's hyping of TNT's Saturday night pay-per-view competition). We're not sure who Barkley has his pugilistic money on, but if his wager comes up short, it could get even uglier.

Jon Peters:
It's not quite on the scale of a "thoughtless little pig" bicoastal voice mail, but it's still cold. As cold as the overnight feel of terrazzo and brass for Hollywood Boulevard's homeless. Just as mega-producer Peters ("Batman", "Superman Returns") was getting out of his limo on Monday, with kids in tow to accept a star on the Walk of Fame, a process server slapped him with very different kudos: legal papers from his third ex-wife, Christine Forsyth. Peters, who has countered Forsyth's unpaid child support claims with the you're-living-free-in-my-mansion defense, hasn't been this shown-up since a 1996 book that chronicled his Sony executive suite excesses. Maybe he can commiserate with Eminem, the male star he hopes to coerce into yet another version of "A Star is Born."

Chloë Sevigny: Speaking of Paris, this gal thinks she's trashy. So there. In an entirely irritating interview with Style Magazine, the 32-year-old co-star of "Zodiac" covers the gamut; from non-simulated on-screen sex (she regrets the famous scene with ex-boyfriend Vincent Gallo in "The Brown Bunny"), to the lure of 4:20 (it started when she was a kid). People either love or hate Sevigny's generally mopey onscreen M.O., but save the misdirected PR for when you actually have something worthwhile to promote, girl. Coming on the heels of a New York Observer article last month that categorized Sevigny, Clare Danes and upcoming FOX sitcom star Parker Posey as has-beens, it's enough to make one pine for "Bunny," which Roger Ebert called the worst film in the history of the Cannes Film Festival.

Alvin Sargent: The heavyweight, two-time Oscar-winning screenwriter ("Julia," "Ordinary People") was brought back by brothers Sam and Ivan Raimi to ensure that "Spider-Man 3" had the same zip as "Spider-Man 2." But the 75-year-old elder statesman is getting zapped by the critics for what they feel is a tediously tangled story web, knocking Spidey's stock down a bearish 30 points (from "Spider-Man 2's" 93% Tomatometer rating to a "Spider-Man 3" Friday score of 62%). We all know this summer's first blockbuster is critic-proof, destined to set a gargantuan new domestic B.O. record this weekend in a record 4,252 theaters. But maybe Alvin should plan on shuffleboard with the 84-year-old Stan Lee rather than any grandiose plans for more melodrama.

The Z List - This Week's Biggest Losers 04/27/07

4/28/2007 4:04 AM PDT
Sheryl Crow insists she was only joking when she wrote on her website that we should each limit ourselves to one square of toilet paper per restroom visit. But at week's end, these folks were still squarely stuck on the hot seat!

Luke Wilson: This "Frat Pack" member may need to turn in his Hollywood fraternity card and seek the less swanky digs of the "Flat Pack." It doesn't matter what the genre is; gooey romance ("Alex & Emma"), goofy romance ("My Super Ex-Girlfriend"), crime comedy ("Mini's First Time"), sci-fi ("Idiocracy"), family entertainment ("Hoot") or shock horror ("Vacancy"). In each case, Owen and Andrew's younger bro has been a box office no-show. Wilson is hoping that by cozying up to Jessica Simpson for his next release, the romantic comedy "Blonde Ambition," he can bring his tenure as the "Ashley" of the Wilson clan to an end. If that fails, he may want to follow in the footsteps of his fellow Occidental College alum, Ben Affleck -- and try his hand at directing.

Hugh Grant: Just a few months ago, the British actor was the subject of fawning profiles in magazines such as Vogue, all of which celebrated the "Music and Lyrics" star as a misunderstood genius. Turns out that may all be a load of baked beans. Listen up, mate: When you choose to still live on the same street as your leggy ex-girlfriend Elizabeth Hurley, chances are the paparazzi will regularly try to push you past the edge of reason. And if you're going to get into a rugby scrum with a photographer, like the fracas this past Tuesday, for God's sake choose your weapons more wisely. Groceries, no; those keys you had in your other hand, better. A Divine Brown bobble head -- perfect!

Senator John McCain: The Beltway's answer to Bob Hope needs to hire new joke writers, and fast. On the heels of his misguided cover version of the Beach Boys classic "Barbara Ann" (he sang it as "Bomb Iran"), the man who has made more appearances on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" than any other guest began his latest appearance this week with a bomb. Literally. By joking that he had considered bringing back an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) from his recent visit to Iraq and plant it under Stewart's desk, McCain foolishly trivialized the number one cause of U.S. casualties in the Iraq war. Put it this way: If Senator John Kerry had made the remark, right wing bloggers would be calling for his head -- again.

This Week's Biggest Losers 04/15/07

4/14/2007 4:01 AM PDT
In a perfect Zone, the forthcoming sex tape from Season Two "American Idol" contestant Olivia Mojica would play out to the sounds of William Hung's "She Bangs," but for this sorry lot, a simple funeral march will suffice.

Don Imus: We had Don on last week's list, but since then, events have conspired to put him in the running for This Year's Biggest Loser. Stripped of his MSNBC simulcast and WFAN-AM syndicated morning radio show, he's now pushing the control buttons of "Imus in the Mourning." Would producer Bernie McGurk's ill-fated comments have sparked as big a furor had they been exchanged with a top-selling rap artist? You know, the kind that keeps radio parent company Viacom in the green via MTV and BET? Hard to say, but with the loss of Howard Stern and now the 66-year-old Imus, CBS Radio is suffering a serious case of jock shock.

Tom DeLay: For the love of a combover, do we really need another he-said-she-said feud pitting a male authority figure against "The View's" Rosie O'Donnell? Apparently, indicted former Congressman DeLay thinks so. Jumping into the fray of the get-Imus bandwagon, DeLay aired out his grievances on CNN and website, dredging up comments from La Rosie that are ancient history. She replied with a blog item entitled "Tommy D," but we think DeLay should take his cue from perennial funny guest Bruce Willis as to what people need right now. On "The Late Show with David Letterman," while perusing a gag list of alleged female conquests handed to him by Dave, the pranking "maxi-super-megastar" confirmed he'd slept with all members of "The View," including Rosie.

Harvey Weinstein: The PR campaign for Miramax's "Grindhouse" started way back at the 2006 Scream Awards, with co-stars Marley Shelton, Rosario Dawson and Rose McGowan prancing lasciviously around the Pantages Theater stage. Despite months of exploitation incantation, the highly touted Miramax flick was trumped on opening weekend by... the Ice Cube family sequel "Are We Done Yet?" Is Weinstein done yet? Not quite. Although he is threatening to break up and re-release the Rodriguez and Tarantino halves as two stand-alone movies, take a hint, Harvey. The stars of today's exploitation industry are folks with names like Anna Nicole, Brad and Angelina.

Joe Francis: There is no man boob flashing going on in this extended edition of "Multi-Millionaires Gone Wild." At least not yet. Based on court documents filed this week, what we do have is a Mardi Gras of anti-anxiety pills, sleep medication, alleged jail guard bribery, alleged tax evasion and teary-eyed exiting of a Florida courtroom. Francis once bellowed that U.S. District Court Judge Richard Smoak was a "judge gone wild." Thanks to perhaps as much as $20 million in alleged bogus 2002 and 2003 business expense deductions, Francis may well turn out to have been done in by "Tax Accountants Gone Wild." In the blink of a spring break girl's inebriated eye, this say-it-ain't-so-Joe has gone from pondering the menu of a planned chain of themed GGG restaurants ... to possibly sampling the taste of prison food.

David E. Kelley: We'll admit that any guy who is married to Michelle Pfeiffer wakes up every morning a personal winner. Still, the final episode of his canned, mid-season Fox show, "The Wedding Bells," drew just 3.8 million viewers last Friday, Kelley is now struggling with the casting of the planned ABC remake of the BBC-TV series "Life on Mars." What gets us is that Kelley has had to glance across the pond for inspiration, rather than relying on a craggy corner of his prolific writer brain. It's no accident that the only show flying these days for Kelley, "Boston Legal," has one foot firmly planted in the procedural world. Maybe instead of putting Pfeiffer in his 2008 flick "Chasing Montana," Kelley should turn to a Calista Flockhart/Harrison Ford reality TV series called "Chasing Wyoming."

The Z List This Week's Biggest Losers 04/07/07

4/7/2007 4:03 AM PDT
Here's an idea: why don't porn star Ron Jeremy and talk radio tub Tom Leykis sign each other's racks and call it a day? Until that Arbitron ratings book-buster, here's the lowdown on some other boobs ...

Keith Richards: Given that Johnny Depp has tipped his pirate hat to the rocker for helping inspire the stagger of Captain Jack Sparrow, call this one "Dead Man's Jest." The Rolling Stones guitarist swears he was only kidding when he told the UK's "New Musical Express" (NME) that he once snorted cocaine mixed with some of his dad Bert's ashes. Forget the fact that the journalist who interviewed him, Mark Beaumont and a boatload of fans worldwide are not buying the recant. The real questions now are: a) Can anything Richards does on screen as Jack's father Teague in next month's "At World's End" top this scenario?; and, b) If the Stones do tour again, will Richards be able to get through his signature song, "Before They Make Me Run," and the lyric "Booze and pills and powders, you can choose your medicine" without the lighters turning to laughter? Don Imus: Does the morning radio show host not realize that "Sopranos" tough guy James Gandolfini is Rutgers University's biggest booster and defender? Evidently not. While Imus opined on Thursday's program that the players from NCAA female victors Tennessee were cute "jiggaboos," he deemed the victorious tattooed Rutgers gals to be "nappy headed ho's." Like rocker Richards, Imus-be-an-idiot insisted his comments were only meant to be amusing. And in Imus' temporary insanity defense, it was producer Bernard McGuick who steered the conversation that way with the initial interjection "some hardcore ho's." Despite Imus' subsequent apology, expect to hear about a Howard Stern/Sirius sponsored Rutgers "Ho's" Pageant any day now.

Miles O'Brien, Soledad O'Brien: For starters, even though these two CNN morning show co-hosts are not related, it didn't make it any less creepy with the coffee. Seriously, how much fun would "The Today Show" be if it was hosted by Matt Lauer and Meredith Lauer? Such last name convention concerns are now moot, thanks to a move by the Atlanta network to nudge M.O. and S.O over to, respectively, the investigative and technology-environment beats. CBS is looking more and more like the fools for failing to keep the smooth-talking John Roberts, who will take over "American Morning," along with former Fox News anchor Kiran Chetry. In this new millennium, sort of sexy in the morning isn't good enough; you've got to be really sexy.

Volker Schlöndorff: Is this yet another example of the German sense of humor? Forget about whether or not actor John Goodman is in the wrong, as Constantine Film's lawsuit claims he is, for walking away from a role in the 2008 drama "Pope Joan." The idea of this soul brother being cast by filmmaker Schlöndorff as Pope Sergius is preposterous, a concept that, if executed, should have leading lady Franke Potente concerned (Run, Franke, Run!). Even Aaron Sorkin, who likes to make Goodman the garrulous guest star in shows like "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" and "The West Wing," must be laughing over this one. And somehow, we don't think the puffs of smoke would be white if Goodman got to tear it up in Vatican City.

Hilary Swank: It started early, with scathing reviews of "The Reaping" popping up on the film's IMDB bulletin boards. Now the plague has spread to the domain of legit critics, whipping up a storm of bad reviews on RottenTomatoes that is so pervasive, it includes its own biblically proportioned incident. "Maxim" movie critic Pete Hammond, the current favorite of Hollywood studios for top o' the poster rave quotes, actually coughs up a bad review ("What Hath Hollywood Wrought (or should that be ROT)? We GET it. "The end" is coming. Just not soon enough in this case.") Seriously, nothing in Swank's misguided change of pace is nearly as scary as the idea that even he doesn't like it.

The Z List - This Week's Biggest Losers 03/31/07

3/31/2007 4:00 AM PDT
Don't cry for K-Fed; rounding off his divorce settlement at $1 million for 25 months of matrimony, that means he got paid $17,857.14 a week for his husbandly chores. No, if you do anything this weekend, shed a crocodile tear for the following K-Oed bunch.

Daniel Sadek: The real-estate-investor-turned-film-producer willingly crashed a couple of his Porsche Carrera GTs during the making of "Redline," a $26 million action flick he is personally financing. But Monday's charity race rehearsal business with co-star Eddie Griffin and a $1.5 million Ferrari Enzo was entirely unscripted, a sort of weird anniversary celebration of last year's similar Malibu Enzo dust-up involving Swedish swindler Bo Stefan Eriksson. To his credit, Sadek was able to put the loss in the proper materialistic perspective during a brief, 15-minute private trailer mourning. But for Griffin, forget about "Undercover Brother," the film he jokingly referenced afterwards. This is more like that brief one-year marriage the class clown engaged in while still in high school.

Chris Rock: It's official; the American public knows it likes you better as a razor-sharp observational comedian. After two weekends of miserably unprofitable theatrical release and a 19% rating from critics on RottenTomatoes, "I Think I Love My Wife" is down to 595 theaters this weekend, with that Viagra tail of Rock's character, Richard Cooper, dragging firmly between the multi-hyphenate's legs. In retrospect, maybe actor-writer-director-producer Rock should have said yes instead -- to that big high-concept Hollywood gig that would have cast him as a car chase criminal taking over for a NASCAR driver. As it is, we can't help but think that you may have fought Jude Law, but for now at least, Jude Law has won.

Elisha Cuthbert: Maybe this delectable 24-year-old should get together with producer Brian Grazer to commiserate over coffee. In another case of an innocent Hollywood bystander getting caught up in horrific stupidity, Lionsgate and After Dark Films were reprimanded Thursday by the MPAA for their tasteless and very short-lived recent L.A.-New York ad campaign on behalf of the upcoming Cuthbert horror flick, "Captivity." Among other things, the companies must now wait a month before submitting the film for ratings approval, thereby throwing the May 18th release date into question. Coming on the heels of reports that the Justin Timberlake ditty, "What Goes Around... Comes Around" was all about Cuthbert's one-time relationship with Trace Ayala, it's enough to make any Calgary cowgirl go boo hoo.

David "Oh" Russell: We got news this week that the filmmaker is working on an adaptation "Sammy's Hill," the comedic Washington D.C. novel by Kristin Gore, daughter of global warming guru, Al. But Russell remains strangely -- and we think, mistakenly -- silent about the whole "I Heart Huckabees" dust-up, which has inspired a global cooling of his reputation. Sure, the F-bomb doesn't quite rate these days the way the N-bomb or even Mel's J-bomb did.

Dave Della Terza: OK dude, it's not funny anymore. With Sanjaya surviving another round of "American Idol," thanks in part, to your endeavors, FOX might as well replace Ryan Seacrest with John Walsh and call it "America's Least Wanted." It's not all fun and games now either; a civil litigation attorney told Bill O'Reilly this week that you could logically be sued for interfering with a business, and yesterday, someone hit your site with a DOS (denial of service) attack. Quick, somebody Photoshop some scandalous threesome photos of Della Terza, Alaina Alexander and Antonella Barba, so we can get rid of this mishuggeneh.

The Z List - This Week's Biggest Losers 3/24/07

3/24/2007 4:02 AM PDT
Spring is definitely in the air, what with the hint of rehab romance (Britney), community service romance (Naomi) and titanic onscreen reunion romance (Kate and Leo cast in Dreamworks' "Revolutionary Road"). But for others, this week proved to be as thorny as a rose bush.

Mel Gibson: To paraphrase your "Lethal Weapon" LAPD partner Murtaugh, "This s**t's getting old." As reported exclusively by TMZ, the 51-year-old Aussie gave first-time director Russell Crowe ("The Bra Boys") a lesson on how NOT to field questions from the audience Thursday night, when he unleashed a Northridge earthquake of his own. CSUN Assistant Professor of Central American Studies Alicia Estrada dared to question the historical accuracy of Mel's "Apocalypto." In going Mayan on her ass, he swapped out last summer's invective "Hey Sugar Tits!" for the less flirty come-on "Lady, f**k off!" But c'mon, Mel! Seriously, you're done at this point on the apology trail; just cut to the chase and start working on a script for "The Michael Richards Story."

Jennifer Hudson: What in the name of Effie were this gal's William Morris agents thinking? As reported by TMZ, by the agents yanking Starbucks' chain with rider requests such as early-morning baked chicken wings and all-day humming humidifiers, they caused Chairman Howard Schultz to deem this Dreamgirl a nightmare -- and he pulled the plug on a performance planned for a Seattle shareholders meeting. The loser here may quickly turn out to be WMA, if Hudson punishes them for this unauthorized behavior by sashaying down Wilshire Blvd. to, say, CAA. Call this one a Venti screw-up.

Eddie Murphy: Maybe if Hudson runs into fellow WMA client Murphy in the halls of the agency's El Camino Drive headquarters, she can launch into a stirring rendition of, "And I Am Telling You (I Am Not Getting Why You're Doing Starship Dave)." Less than a month after Oscar voters told Eddie to stick it where the Sunshine shines, the actor is - incredibly - trading in his "Norbit" fatsuit for an "Adventures of Pluto Nash" era spacesuit. That's right; in the science-fiction comedy "Starship Dave," to be directed by "Nortbit" helmer Brian Robbins, we can all look forward to watching Eddie star as both an alien and the lovestruck, human embodiment of his spaceship. Danger, Mr. Robinson!

Terry McMillan: Up San Francisco way, a juicy, juicy post-divorce saga is brewing, thanks to a $40 million lawsuit filed by the author of "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" and other tomes against her Jamaican-born ex-husband, Jonathan Plummer. She insists that the now openly gay hairdresser (and his attorney) committed perjury during the 2005 divorce proceedings, while unsuccessfully attempting to nullify a pre-nuptial agreement. At that time, Plummer's accusations included claims that McMillan repeatedly used the word "fag" and once threw a ceramic object at him while visiting his dog-grooming business. Throw in McMillan's claim that Plummer has violated the restraining order against him, and you've easily got the most titillating SF smackdown this side of Phil Bronstein.

Brian Grazer: They're calling it Grazergate, but it's really more like Martinezgate. Through no fault of his own, the Imagine Entertainment titan got dragged into an unholy Spring Street mess this week, when his guest-edited Sunday L.A. Times Op Ed pages were scrapped, after revelations that the paper's Opinions Editor, Andres Martinez, was dating a 42 West publicist linked to Imagine. In the ensuing fracas, Martinez quit, and now Grazer may have to offer him a three-picture deal or something. Some pundits are calling Times publisher David Hiller the Grinch Who Stole Grazer's Thunder; others are applauding his handling of this so-called ethics plunder. But one thing's for sure; the paper's Op Ed pages have never even come close to being this exciting.
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