The Z List

Britney Spears: She looks like Sinead O'Connor, and yes, as we watch the tattooed tantrums and ongoing game of rehab musical chairs, we can't help but hum along to "Nothing Compares to You" as the soundtrack. And what's with the aversion to body hair? First, it was shorn down low, then up high. Does this mean we can soon expect a frenzied waxing of the armpits, perhaps with the help of some unsuspecting Malibu surfers? Not so long ago, we were all having great fun at the expense of K-Fed. But it's now time to officially dub Britney "H-Thread," as in hanging by a thread.

Tim Hardaway: While this year's NBA All-Stars get ready to do their thing in Vegas, former Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway warmed things up Wednesday by joining the less illustrious ranks of the Career Suicide All-Stars. The play-by-play for that league sounds something like this: "Gibson inbounds the ball, brings it up to half-court; passes it to over Richards; Isaiah Washington takes it on the three-point line, throws it over to Andy Dick, who backhands to Hardaway in the paint... Slam dunk!" Hardaway quickly switched to the apology playbook, but it was not enough to stop New Jersey hair products outfit BaldGuyz from dropping him as their spokesperson. Forget about a trip to Tim Hardaway's U.S. 1 Car Wash in Miami; this no-longer-welcome-in-Vegas goof needs to drive straight to the nearest pharmacy and stock up on mouth wash.

Dannielynn Hope Marshall: This young tyke is only five months old, but already she has lost a half brother and her mother. According to People Magazine, Dannielynn is being cared for in the Bahamas by the mother of Immigration Minister Shane Gibson, in advance of what will no doubt be an extremely ugly custody battle. Her mom idolized Marilyn Monroe, the blonde bombshell with whom Smith was often compared. But now it is Dannielynn who must suddenly follow in the footsteps of Norma Jean and other real-life celebrity orphans, such as Deborah Harry and Dana Plato.

Paris Hilton: Joe Francis is spilling the beans about her oral sex skills on Howard Stern; reports from the set of "The Hottie and the Nottie" suggest you're flubbing your lines. Late in the week you managed to top all that via the release of another grainy video on the Internet, courtesy of that joker who turned the contents of your storage locker into ParisExposed.com. Instead of night vision, this one is in stereophonic fright vision, with you uttering both the Isaiah Washington F-word and the Michael Richards N-word while dancing the night away with sister Nicky and some frat boys. Hot it's not, and more than likely, by the time this Z List hits the TMZ website, you will have already humbly offered up the A-word to make amends. We never thought we'd say this, but it's actually better for you to put a boyfriend in your mouth than your own foot.

Sharon Stone: You'd think after her breasts bagged the Razzie Award nomination for "Worst Screen Couple" of 2006, this 48-year-old actress' basic instinct would be to keep them under wiry wraps. But no, there she was earlier this week, brazenly brawless at the Ivy in Beverly Hills. Stone is no longer the good kind of MILF -- e.g., a movie star we'd like to fraternize with ... now she's a movie star we'd like to forget. Her take for "Basic Instinct 2" dwarfed that of her other '06 paydays -- "Bobby," "Alpha Dog" and a three-episode arc on Showtime's "Huff." But just as original "Basic Instinct" scribe Joe Ezsterhas has been known to give CAA the one-finger salute, Stone may want to park in front of her agency for a few moments and flip the good folks at William Morris a similar thank you.

Isaiah Washington: All that was missing backstage in the moments following the "Grey's Anatomy" win for Best Television Series - Drama, was Sacha Baron Cohen in full Borat costume asking his favorite "Anatomy" star a follow-up question. Unlucky for Washington, it wasn't Borat ... it was E! gossip columnist Ted Casablanca, who stations himself at the very front of major awards show interview rooms to ask the lion's share of the open session questions. For example, at the 2003 Emmys, in the wake of Garry Shandling and Brad Garrett's French kiss, he demanded to know, with a straight face, how each successive winner would live out their same-sex fantasy. This time around, Bruce Bibby (Casbalanca's real name) inadvertently hit paydirt, and we do mean dirt, when his seemingly innocent question prompted Washington to shoot T.R., again. Compounding the egregiousness of Washington's 'Eek!' moment: the fact that Casablanca is himself openly gay.

Barbara Walters: In her recent two-part TV special "30 Mistakes in 30 Years," Walters expressed real regret at turning down a dinner date invitation from interview subject Clint Eastwood, back in his "Dirty Harry" days. But now, that probably pales in comparison to how she must feel about getting so awkwardly caught in the middle of the five shots -- or is it six? -- exchanged between The Donald and The Rosie. The latter apparently laid into Walters on Monday for not phoning her over the holidays, and for choosing to temper her public comments about Trump. Meanwhile, the beauty pageant gatekeeper is insisting that Babs is not telling the truth. Over the years, Walters has tap danced around heads of state, weepy celebrities and a gaggle of intriguing people. But her handling of this fracas has none of that finesse, and to add insult to injury, Oprah has now eclipsed her with a celeb-interviewing-celeb Oscar special.

Marilyn Manson: Seven years of courtship, one year of marriage and now, apparently, an unknown number of irreconcilable differences. Playboy model and current make-up cover girl Dita Von Tiese is apparently letting the shock rocker know she no longer wants him to be her MAC daddy, leading wags to immediately speculate as to who will get custody of the eyeliner. There are also a couple of dogs and cats in the mix, but the real question for us is whether or not MM (aka Brian Warner) will be inspired to put his own hard-drinking, three-quarter beat spin on that old Barenaked Ladies classic. Let's all hum it together now: "Lying in bed, just like Brian Warner did..."

Rosie O'Donnell: Last week, to the consternation of some of our readers, we dinged The Donald because we felt his behavior was akin to that of the schoolyard bully picking on the fat girl. What a difference a week of blogging makes. Although Rosie had a perfect opportunity, post-Christmas, to surf away from it all and let "the combover" continue to blow hard in the wind, she crossed the Moving Type line by labeling him "a pimp." In one of many subsequent retort interviews given by Trump, he went here: "Can you imagine the parents of Kelli [O'Donnell]... when she said, 'Mom, Dad, I just fell in love with a big, fat pig named Rosie.' Can you imagine the expression on their face?"

Donald Trump: Apparently, last winter's squabble with Martha Stewart was only a warm-up. In what can only be interpreted as a delirious desire to prevent anything from soiling the January 7 debut of Season 6 of "The Apprentice," The Donald relocated this week to the Trump Glower, and hurled down an unbelievable stream of invective at the rosiest rabble-rouser of "The View." O'Donnell, meanwhile, has cut and pasted some rather unflattering Wikipedia info about Trump into her blog, adding that she will let readers know "if kelli leaves me for one of his pals." This is David Gest vs. Liza Minnelli on Viagra and estrogen, an East Coast battle that suddenly renders the premiere of tonight's new E! special "30 Most Outrageous Celebrity Feuds" moot.

Nicole Richie: While Kirstie Alley was sighted this week looking like her old "Fat Actress" self, her wafer-thin reality counterpart got the jump on "The Simple Life 5" by ditching Paris and merging some 420 with the 134. As for the Vicodin, which most of us take after a root canal, Richie swears it's to dull the pain of menstrual cramps. Think of it as the "Not Guilty by Reason of Fertility" defense. We know Lionel has been resisting the temptation to write a song about this, but after Kirstie Alley used his Commodores classic "Brickhouse" for her Oprah bikini coming out party, we say it's time for an intervention ballad. Suggested title: "Save You, Save Me."

Andy Dick: Notice how one on-stage mention of the N-word by a white comedian burns up news radio, while more than a dozen equal offenses by a black comedian barely rate a mention? As TMZ first reported, tricky Dick set himself up for the inevitable "I am not a schnook" apology by trying to spoof Kramer's flame-out with his own heckle-and-run interruption of comedian Ian Bagg's Improv routine. Meanwhile, equal opportunity Laugh Factory offender Damon Wayans is, for all intents and purposes, still perceived as the cuddly dad from "My Wife and Kids," despite dishing out a saucy serving of N-sprinkled Chocolate Sundaes. Somewhere in Beverly Hills, 80-year-old trailblazer Don Rickles is shaking his head again and muttering, "Man, even I wouldn't go there."

In the shadow of Denzel's "Deja Vu," things seemed mighty familiar this week -- Pam Anderson splitting up, Snoop Dogg getting arrested. Meanwhile, two thirds of a fearsome threesome kept us entertained.

Britney Spears: Did Marilyn go crotchless over the subway grid in "The Seven Year Itch?" No. Did Sharon take her interrogation room peep show on the road while promoting "Basic Instinct?" No. In a double-barreled move that makes Paris' sex tape look like high art, the Artist Formerly Perceived as Smarter Than K-Fed fronted a fierce remix we like to call "Pubes! I Did It Again!" On this, Britney's 25th birthday, we have just one wish: that she stop reminding us where Sean Preston and Jayden James came from.

Michael Richards: He looks a little bit like Lenny Bruce, and not at all like Richard Pryor. KKKramer should never have attempted to walk in the nimble N-word footsteps of a pair of stand-up comedy legends. On Monday's "Late Show with David Letterman," Jerry Seinfeld was there to hawk the Season 7 DVD just in time for post-Thanksgiving shoppers. Instead, he and Richards were thrust via satellite into an episode no one wanted to see. In moving from puffy shirt to puffy eyes, the 57-year-old Richards managed to instantly limit his near-term career options to a David Duke TV movie.

O.J. Simpson ("Scariest Man Alive"): Resurrecting a cold case that even his Naked Gun pals could solve, Number #32 has suddenly decided to tackle third and very long with a most unusual play call – the hypothetical confession (or, it all depends what your definition of "if" is). Crusading dad Ron Goldman has already moved to seize any of the Florida author's personal proceeds from the new book; publisher Judith Regan has tried to justify her actions via a strained I-was-a-victim-too plea on The Drudge Report. But there's no getting around it; if Truman Capote were around today, he'd be readying a much better book about O.J., one that could very easily be called In Bold Blood.

K-Fed: "BLANK the media, BLANK the haters" bellowed Kevin Federline this week in Chicago, partying with back-up dancers and a bottle of tequila after another non-sold out tour date. He might soon be upping the BLANK ante if Britney goes ahead with plans to give away Baby Photos #2 to a magazine like Vanity Fair rather than share the media moola with the rapper. In the annals of Blonde-Bombshell-or-Bust, K-Fed is already running rings around Nick Lachey and Tommy Lee. He may soon even topple all-time champ Paul Snider, Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratten's deranged ex. As Britney continues to defecate in K-Fed's direction (as in the dictionary definition "to become clear of dregs, impurities"), we have a new name brand suggestion. K-Fed, say hello to the backwards-spelled moniker Def-K, as in defecate and three strikes you're out, bro!