This Week's Biggest Losers 11/04/06
Today's Z-lister may well be tomorrow's gold standard. Just ask Mel Gibson and Kate Moss, who were honored this week, respectively, by the Latin Business Association and British Fashion Awards.
Prince: What's next? The Mirage poaching another famous Jehovah's Witness to resurrect its one-time marquee attraction as "Siegfried and Michael"? At the very least, Prince may need to adopt "???" as his new symbol. The idea that the diminutive 48-year-old pop star will, starting next weekend, be headlining as a Friday-Saturday Vegas regular at the all-suites Rio Hotel and Casino is about as logical as Marilyn Manson happily taking part in an episode of Trading Spaces. And if you're planning on shouting out a request for "Dirty Mind" classics like "Sister" (about incest) or "Head" (about... you know), save your money for the "When Doves Cry" slots.
This Week's Biggest Losers 10/28/06
According to our good friends at Trashy Lingerie, Nicole Kidman has snapped up a pirate costume while Paris is aiming to do the 2006 Halloween hop as a bunny. Then there are these folks, who will need nothing more than a paper bag to put over their head.
David Letterman: Based on yesterday's performance at the Ed Sullivan Theater, Dave might want to change the
name of his production company to World Wide Rants. In an exchange with Fox News lightning rod Bill O'Reilly, the talk show host took the bait – just like comedian Al Franken and many more before him – calling his congenial guest a "bonehead" and failing to humorously deflect O'Reilly's prepared material, which touched on everything from bowling leagues to Dancing with the Stars. In so doing, Dave was guilty of one of the Top Ten Ways To Come Off Like Howard Dean: 3. Don't read a guest's book, and then proudly tell them it was because you judged it by the cover.
This Week's Biggest Losers 10/21/06
If Microsoft can't find new financiers to replace Fox and Universal for their big budget version of Halo, gamers can still find joy without their joysticks. But for the New York Mets and this group of celebs, there is, alas, no joy in Mudville.
Wesley Snipes: Here's a reality TV show for you. Handcuff together Snipes and fellow tax evader Richard Hatch, dump them on a deserted island and then watch as they try to evade a big old meanie by the name of Uncle Sam. Call it, "The Defrauding Ones." In the meantime, we're left to ponder the three bits of advice that Snipes' managers should have given him: 1) Don't claim a tax refund that contains more zeros than the box office gross of your movies released the same year; 2) Don't listen to anyone who tells you that South Korea, the birthplace of your second wife, has no extradition treaty with the U.S. (they do); 3) Do listen to anyone who tells you that Namibia, where you are currently shooting the horror flick "Gallowwalker," has no extradition treaty with the U.S. (they don't).
This Week's Biggest Losers 10/14/06
In Hollywood, there's nothing unlucky about Friday the 13th, a film franchise that has grossed more than $200 million. No, far scarier to celebrities than a hockey mask and machete is the combo of poor judgment and lightning fast Internet coverage.
Madonna: Look, there's nothing wrong with jumping on the Jolie bandwagon. But after adopting a fake British accent and a fake religion, it's a three-cricket-strikes-and-you're-out scenario when you then try to adopt a fake orphan. Turns out the tot picked out by the 48-year-old singer during her visit to the impoverished African nation of Malawi is not an AIDS orphan at all, but rather a boy currently beyond the financial grasp of his father and grandmother. Short of singing the national anthem for her hometown Detroit Tigers while strapped to a crucifix, this is – as the burgeoning op-ed columns attest – one of the more tasteless ways to set the stage for her second children's book, which comes out October 24th.
This Week's Biggest Losers 10/07/06
In the new movie "The Departed," Jack Nicholson's character, Frank Costello, at one point says, "We're all [on our way out]. Act accordingly." Here are a few celebs who, depending on your point of view, may or may not be adhering to that philosophy.
Jennifer Aniston: While Brad Pitt was going on this week about his desire to add six more kids to the Brangelina "soccer team," and Vince Vaughn was in London for the shoot of "Fred Claus" and an appearance this Sunday in the 24-Hour Plays Gala at Kevin Spacey's Old Vic Theater, plain-old-Jen-again was likely crying in her Chamomile tea. In inheriting the paparazzi J-glare from previous recipients J. Lo and J. Ro (Julia Roberts), the 37-year-old L.A. native is now left to ponder, once again, the ability of the media fishbowl to scare away the best-looking fish in the sea. Short of dating a paparazzi or stealing Sean Penn away from Robin Wright, Aniston is left with no choice but to put that biological clock on snooze. Again.
This Week's Biggest Losers 09/30/06
When Screech stars in a sex tape and his Saved by the Bell co-star Mario López appears on Dancing with the Stars, rather than the other way around, it would seem to confirm that things in the celebrity world often don't make sense. But thankfully for this weekly column, they are not alone.
Anna Nicole Smith: It's hard to believe that, during this difficult time, Anna Nicole could be part of something more offensive than her new sci-fi comedy Illegal Aliens, in which she co-stars with Joanie Laurer (sample line of AN dialogue: "Who do I have to screw to get off of this movie?"). But by marrying her attorney Howard K. Stern only 18 days after the death of her son, with some pink bikini frolicking reportedly thrown in for good measure, the 38-year-old bride proved that the third time was anything but the charm. Over the years, her surgically enhanced breast size has hovered between 36A and 42DD, but what she really seems to need now is a brain implant.
This Week's Biggest Losers 09/23/06
Even though Nostradamus never predicted that Jackass 2 would turn out to be a better movie than All the King's Men, it still feels downright apocalyptic. And as the specter of the Four Horsemen inches ever so closer, here's our latest batch of Five Denizens.
Jude Law: It was Sean Penn, Law's co-star in this weekend's long delayed release of the remake All the King's Men, who came to the actor's defense last spring after Oscar host Chris Rock took those celebrated potshots at the Brit. But judging by this weekend's reviews of the actor's performance (sample: "Jude is just too pretty. He's even prettier than Kate Winslett is here, which seems impossible..."), Law might want to add line reading rehearsals to the duties of that newly hired Britney Spears "Manny." Casting director Avy Kaufman (Brokeback Mountain, Capote) is normally spot on, but the fact that he was OK with Alfie portraying a jaded Louisiana journalist is one of the major reasons All the King's Men transforms New Orleans into the Big Queasy.
This Week's Biggest Losers 09/16/06
The Dalai Lama came through Hollywood this week to spread the peaceful word. Now if it had been to publicize a new cross-promotion campaign featuring Fabio ("I can't believe it's not Buddha"), we might have paid attention. Instead, we were preoccupied with the likes of these mere mortals.
Emilio Estevez:
During a press conference this week at the Toronto International Film Festival to promote his newest film, Bobby, the returning director, writer and co-star bemoaned his one-time fate at the hands of Disney which, in exchange for financing his 1996 flick The War at Home, insisted he also do D3: The Mighty Ducks... for free. "It was a devastating experience," he said of the inevitable D3 critical drubbing. Well cry me a Malibu river. As someone who's been around the Hollywood game for ages (since, in fact, making a debut at age 17 in the TV movie Seventeen Going on Nowhere), you know the rules. For free or for $20 mill, a BAD movie is a bad movie. KEEP UP THIS WHINING (extra up deleted) and we'll have to start referring to the Sheen clan as two and a half men.
This Week's Biggest Losers 09/08/06
For many around the country, this week was all about back-to-school. But in the Zone, where reading, writing and arithmetic take a backseat to autograph signing, it was more along the lines of back-to-DUIs, back-to-skeletons-in-the-closet and back-to-New-York, Jon.
Jon Stewart:
There's nothing quite like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences running away from its most recent previous Oscar show host, as fast as it possibly can. It happened with Chris Rock, and now it's happened again in the wake of The Daily Show host's stint on The Yearly Show. By rushing out the news of Ellen De Generes' selection as the next MC, a full four months on the calendar before Stewart was announced as savior in 2005, AMPAS is treating him like an Emmy loser rather than the winner that he is. There was no mention of Stewart in the press release that went out to the media late Thursday, just backhanded jabs such as this quote from producer Laura Ziskin: "the show requires someone who can keep the show alive and fresh and moving, as well as someone who is a flat-out great entertainer." Oh well, if early Internet petitioners have their way, Stewart will be in the running in the fall of 2008 for a much bigger MC-ing gig, one that will probably require the adoption of a middle initial.
This Week's Biggest Losers 09/02/06
As we head into the final holiday weekend of the summer, celebrities - like the working man - are tallying up the fruits of their Labor. And if some of it happens to be rancid, you can bet in their case it will be 100% organic and impeccably garnished.
Harry Morton: Labor Day was the brainchild of a feisty, redheaded Irish-American carpenter named Peter McGuire. Now, as Morton appears on the verge of proposing to his OWN half-Irish REDHEAD, Lindsay Morgan Lohan, he is probably sweating it out in Hawaii for reasons that have nothing to do with ozone layer depletion. Let us count the ways: Lindsay was once reported to have said that Harry was her third boyfriend choice, behind the already taken Ashton Kutcher and Johnny Depp; she already has her PR rep denying reports that Harry bought the engagement ring at Cartier in Beverly Hills; and her overall behavior is more explosive than the idea of an Arizona sports stadium being named after Harry's restaurant chain Pink Taco. Word to the wise, Harry: Keep a healthy supply of Ty Ku (an HM branded mix of vodka and a sake-infused liquor) on the bedside table.
This Week's Biggest Losers 08/26/06
If K-Fed actually had something to lose, he'd definitely be on the list for his Hall of Shame rendition of "Lose Control." But that's the funny thing about the velvet noose; there's always plenty to go around.
Patti Scialfa:There are two immovable facts about the New York Post-fed gossip that Bruce Springsteen has secretly split from Scialfa, his wife of 20 years, in favor of a 9/11 widow he met while helping organize a special WTC telethon. One is that newspapers will have a field day with the musical double entendres ("E-Street Shuffle," "Hungry Heart"...). The other is that when your husband APPARENTLY ADDS A SURVIVOR OF America's worst terrorist incident TO THE MIX, you're caught between a rock (and roll star) and a hard place. If this sticks, look for the Springsteen single "Soccer Mom" sometime next year.
This Week's Biggest Losers 08/18/06
With "Snakes on a Plane" sure to make a bundle at the box office this weekend, movie critics who were bypassed in favor of a grassroots Internet campaign may feel somewhat downcast. But at least they can take some consolation in the fact that they are not alone.
Justin Timberlake: The former Mouseketeer might want to watch his Sexyback the next time he does an interview with a music publication. His free association observations about "American Idol" winner Taylor Hicks ("can't carry a tune in a bucket") and smoking ("nicotine is more addictive than heroin") - uttered respectively in "Fashion Rocks" and the UK "Observer's Music Monthly" - had publicist Ken Sunshine working in overdrive. Miraculously, Timberlake somehow managed to talk to MTV.com about Lance Bass coming out of the boy band closet without making it a tongue tripping trifecta. No, that honor belonged to Grandma Sadie Bomar, who suggested in Grazia Magazine that Cameron Diaz shouldn't plan the honeymoon just yet.
The Z List: This Week's Biggest Losers
Our latest edition of zeitgeist-less Zoners turns out to be an all-male revue. But unlike the gyrations of the Chippendale's gang, the shakes and shimmies of this bunch merit far less than a crumpled up wad of dollar bills. More like a couple of unvarnished wooden nickels.
Val Kilmer: The headline in the UK tabloid read "Val Kilmer Goes from Batman to Fatman." The accompanying photo of the 45-year-old actor, taken on a L.A. area beach, looked like a still from the never-made action movie, Top Gut. And the online reader comments included such observations as, "Great, now I look like a movie star" (John, Spain). But where Kilmer really stumbled was in having his PR reps take on this bit of folly with a straight face, telling the New York Post's Page Six, "Anybody can take an unflattering photo of a human being. It's a mean-spirited thing to do." Double boo hoo! So great as the snarky Gay Perry in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, Kilmer should have rolled with it and suggested instead that it was all part of his method preparation for playing a paparazzi photographer.
This Week's Biggest Losers 08/05/06
For some, like Mel Gibson celebrity impersonator Rohn Evans or the pair of anonymous Ohio jokesters posting anew on the satirical blog "Mel's Musings," the actor's PCH flare-up is a bonanza. But for most others in the Zone, the events first reported by this website are akin to the French movie poster tag line for Mel's 1998 action flick Tequila Sunrise - "Un Cocktail Explosif."
