Fashion

Clad in what appears to be a jacket made of some leftover upholstery from a Fresno beauty salon, the portly, pithy pontificator said, "Alcohol is a mere fix to someone else's problems ... for about 5 seconds." Well, that's clear.

Gummi claimed six days of sobriety, but his newfound clarity has clearly has not helped him choose his wardrobe.

Paulina was seen leaving the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills on Wednesday, wearing this kaleidoscopic bandana -- a look taken right from the closet of weavetastic pop mom Britney Spears. The oversized beauty goggles are a staple of the Nicole Richie school, while her ratty peroxided locks and pouting lips are hallmarks of the hobo-chic Olsen twins. And how does she acknowledge the photogs? With rehabber Lindsay Lohan's favorite gesture -- the peace sign. *yawn*

Victoria Beckham celebrated the launch of her dVb denim line by holding up a huge pair of jeans at SAKS in NY on Thursday ... and by huge we mean Size 2!

But fear not, all you non-malnourished fashionistas, even Suri Cruise's jeans look big next to Bony Beckham!

Is Brooke Hogan actually wearing a gold dress ... or is this a spray tanning session gone horribly wrong?

With South Beach for a backdrop, Brooke Hogan stuffed her girls into this glaring gold evening "dress" and smiled for the cameras. Always the accessorizer, she sadly made sure her handbag, skin and hair all matched.

With your choices ranging from a black and white Lynwood Jail number, to the declarative "This is a Crime - Free Paris Now!!!" weeper top, you can kickoff the beach season in pseudo-political style! Go with the mugshot banner tee for that direct impact, or boast that you shared a cell with the celebuvict.

Show your love, haters.

Britney was spotted in Beverly Hills yesterday in this hippie summer bride ensemble, with her tortured yellow extensions accented by that craptabulous gold purse she refuses to give up. Enough already. Mama needs a brand new bag!

Just a short time later, the fickle Bride of Federline donned yet another white dress suitable for a Las Vegas wedding chapel. Slap on a fedora and she's ready to elope! Whatever she had in the cup musta been mighty tasty, because she wasn't letting that go either.

Will you take this woman, y'all?

As spokesperson for their Fall '07 line, Fergie had Candie's dress her hump for her "Big Girls Don't Cry" video. The results were Fergatrocious!

In the clip, Fergie Fug plays the trashstastic girlfriend of "Heroes" star Milo Ventimiglia, wearing outfits from Candie's Juniors line, which is available exclusively at Kohl's, and more appropriate for a 15-year-old bohemian hussy punk. Fergie is 32.

In a marketing move to rival the brilliance of New Coke, Candie's is using clips and pics from the stylistically-challenged video for their advertising campaign. Soon everyone will be able to look like a runaway teen.

Nicky Hilton decided to wear a very irie piece of fashion while visiting her sister in the slammer over the weekend.

The item of choice ... a dress appropriately named "Alice B. Toklas." Interestingly, the Alice B. Toklas Cook Book included the first published recipe for "Haschich [sic] Fudge," more commonly known as ... pot brownies. Shabaaa!

Sources tell TMZ that the stoney dress is just one from Nicky's extensive collection of Kate & Kass. Nicky purchased this dress last month at the Sienna Boutique on Melrose Ave. in Los Angeles. Of course, in typical Hilton style, she bought the entire line!

Usually seen in Governator-wife attire with her face camera-ready, JFK niece Maria chose this Hyannisport look for a midday outing with Ahnold and their usual troop of security guards.

Ask what you can do for your lunch date.

"Grey's" Dr. Shepherd was on location for the romantic comedy flick, "Made of Honor," due next year.

With her fate hanging in the balance, Paris Hilton decided to face the judge dressed in ... drab gray sweats!

TMZ has learned that Sarah kept things on the straight and narrow width, while shopping with a friend in New York on Tuesday. Sarah stopped by retail emporium Te Casan in Soho to get her routine shoe fix -- and to see if they had stocked up on half sizes -- she wears a 6 1/2. If the shoe fits -- wear it, girl!

After charging about $600 on two pairs of Gianluca flats, Mrs. Freddie Prinze Jr. requested a cold drink from the store's bar and specified that it definitely had to be "non-alcoholic." Hmmmm. Was the 30-year-old beauty just not in the mood for a cocktail -- or could this be a sign of something bigger to come?! Time will tell, baby!

Joey Lawrence turned up at an event in New York on Wednesday, coiffed within an inch of his muscly, manscaped life! Gimme a break!

With his spraytanned skin, uber-waxed brows, Posh-age shades, Madonna-inspired rosary, cleavage-baring top in size XSmedium -- ever-so nonchalantly semi-tucked into his white-belted premium denim -- Joey looks like a bald wannabe Gotti brother in a "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" science project!

Whoa, is right!

Dressed like a total poshtitute in what appears to be a botched tuxedo/racing ensemble, Victoria Beckham somehow took home the Woman of the Year crown at the Glamour Magazine awards last night. Say whaaaat?!

Though Mrs. Beckham was touted by the mag's editor as "a role model" and "indicative of the modern woman," Beckham's only recent accomplishments appear to be constantly looking hungry and pissed-off, and shtupping one of the sexiest men in the world. Role model indeed ... for automatons and streetwalkers!

Other "glamorous" women honored at the event included Sienna Miller -- who said she had too much wine to make a speech -- and the musical group Girls Aloud (think Pussycat Dolls with British accents). What, Jordan wasn't available? The ceremony was somewhat redeemed by also giving awards to Angelina Jolie (yes, Posh beat Angie for the highest honors), Beyoncé and Helen Mirren -- though none of them showed up to receive the, er, honor.

Who knew sexy Jessica Alba wore clothes?!

The "Fantastic Four" star went on a major shopping binge in Beverly Hills last week, stocking up on some hot summer gear. During her shopping extravaganza, Alba hit up trendy Harmony Lane boutique twice and charged up ten dresses and five tops in size XS. Betch! Jess also picked up some Insititute Liberal shrugs and a bunch of Vita bracelets and J.Rae necklaces. In total, the 26-year-old dropped over $4,300 -- and even came back to shop with her parents! Look what I bought, mommy!

We're told Alba was looking for outfits for her upcoming summer travel with boyfriend Cash Warren, aka the luckiest former production assistant in the world!

She may be stylin' with her latest finds, but hopefully Jess realizes all anyone really wants to see her wearing is -- absolutely nothing!