Nurse!

Never mind the sheet in her weave, the bandanas masquerading as a bikini or the scratched up twig legs, Amy Winehouse displayed a new brand of crazy by simultaneously talking into a cell phone -- and a jar of mayonnaise. Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?

Amy Winehouse on rye -- hold the mayo.

Like an endless masturbation session, Tom's new official site features an interminable video with scenes from his films of the last 25 years -- minus the forgettable 1983 teen sex comedy "Losin' It" -- set to "Also sprach Zarathustra" the devilish themed song from "2001: A Space Odyssey" and the Rolling Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil." Perhaps Lucifer was a fan of "Dianetics," too.

Also missing from the site, Tom's couch jumping incident, the Matt Lauer interview and that Scientolocrazy video.

The 68-year-old sat by the Central Park reservoir on Wednexday -- watching a scene from "Gossip Girl" film.

XOXO, Easy Rider!

Not what you think, but awesome nonetheless: Lindsay Lohan is recording tracks for her new album with none other than Snoop Dogg – and she's going to be on Motown Records? Does Mary Wilson know about this?

Fox News reports that Lindz has in fact dropped a song for the new disc with his Snoopness, and "insiders" say it sounds "amazing." Timbaland and Pharrell are also helping to produce tracks for the album, which is apparently going to be released on Motown Records, because Lohan definitely fits the race bill there.

Lil' sis Ali is also already in the studio – the one at the age-appropriate Palms Hotel in Vegas.

What in the name of Xenu is going on here? Cher's decided to rip the sheets off a romance that probably would've been best left covered: A fling with Tom Cruise. Shudder.

The diva tells Oprah, according to Vegas Confidential, on an upcoming show that she and Cruise had a "long date" when he was 23 and she was 39, and that she "lived in his apartment" in New York. Cher even says that Tom was "a shy boy" when they hooked up.

"He was so wonderful ... And he was so, like, different," says Cher.

Karina Smirnoff says that she and Mario Lopez might be going through "ups and downs" but that they are "totally fine."

She's not moving out, she tells Us, but oddly she tells the mag that they would be the first to know if she did. (Really? Before Mario? Interesting.) And if this isn't a violins-backed, passionate proclamation of love, we don't know what is: "[Mario] is a great guy, and I support him 100 percent, I know he supports me."

Who said romance was dead?

In 2007, one of them admitted to having plastic surgery at age 20.

We're just sayin'!

Spies at "Dancing with the Stars" tell TMZ Cristian de la Fuente suffered a really gnarly injury and will likely pull out of the competition.

The spies say surgery is now a real option. He's set to see a specialist this morning. We're told the producers and dancers will meet at the CBS lot -- where the show is taped -- at 10:00 AM for a status update.

Cristian and partner Cheryl Burke were doing their second dance of the evening when, suddenly, in the middle of the routine, de la Fuente did something to his forearm -- a muscle pull or something like that. They finished the dance, but quickly cut to a commercial break. When they came back from commercial, the pair was judged on the performance up to the point of injury.

The couple scored 21 for the dance -- the lowest score of the night.

Paramedics were called to the set of Will Smith's "Seven Pounds" movie this morning after a crew member fell and injured himself. Guess he got too jiggy with it.

The 50-year-old grip was taken by ambulance to nearby Cedars-Sinai. The injury was not serious, but we're thinking this guy made it on to Will Smith's Christmas card list.

This is the second time in a week the weight-challenged film has made headlines. A woman who lives near the production was unhappy with the shoot going down in her neighborhood -- namely the public sh***ers outside her house -- and put up a sign trying to get Big Willy's attention.

We thought the action was supposed to happen on screen, not off.

Kenny Chesney suffered a foot injury during his entrance to the stage last night -- but finished his set without incident. Who says country stars ain't tough?

He was coming up through the bottom of the stage on an elevator, when his foot (which was harnessed in for safety) got stuck between the lift and the stage. After finally freeing himself, Chesney performed his whole set -- he was the final act of a show that included LeAnn Rimes and Brooks & Dunn -- with a noticeable limp.

While out barhopping on Thursday night in England, the rehabbed gorgeous British soul stunner flashed her Austin Powers toothy grin.

Her dental bill is gonna be ... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Hopefully, the Hoff won't have a relapse and need to be rushed back to the hospital ... to get his eye checked out again.

Steven terrorized photogs and shoppers by flashing his breast outside Fred Segal in Los Angeles on Wednesday.

There's a lot more than a wardrobe malfunctioning here.

Even Royals need to take their Boniva.

Police were called to the scene in Beverly Hills yesterday after onlookers saw the 80-year-old actor flapping around, looking disheveled, and seemingly in need of assistance.

Sources saw Falk come out of a building and attempt to make his way across the street to a bank. Along the way, he was nearly run over by a car. When the police arrived, the glass-eyed TV detective refused their help and was let go.

Calls to Falk's rep were not returned.

Anyone know where you can get a gurney and a conservatorship in Britain?