Nurse!

That's an award only a mother could love.

The 27-year-old usually pouty-faced new mom picked up a humidifier and cold medicine on Tuesday.

Looks like Jess' attitude isn't the only thing under the weather.

The 76-year-old still living legend smiled and waved to fans by her own power as she made her graceful exit.

A pirate's days of raping and pillaging are over -- now all a pirate needs to do to get some booty is say "Yo" to a ho.

A former Disneyland employee claims the Mouse House fired four different Captain Jack Sparrow impersonators after the character's sexy pirate persona evoked wench-like behavior from a couple of landlubbers. In other words, some female Disney guests were flashing their teacups.

A Disney spokesperson called the claims "absolutely false," saying the swashbucklers were sent walkin' the plank because their character had become less popular -- not because fake pirates are to theme-park-goers what a Joe Francis camera crew is to Mardis Gras.

Bettie Page, the iconic model who unwittingly launched the look of a million "Suicide Girls", was hospitalized after suffering a heart attack in L.A. Tuesday.

The 85-year-old, who's leopard skin bikini layouts made her one of the most famous pin-up girls of the 20th century, is currently listed as critically ill.

It's the day every other young actor in Hollywood has been dreaming of -- Shia LaBeouf won't be able to star in a Hollywood film.

Apparently his post-op, smashed hand is still so messed up, he's had to quit filming "Dark Fields."

Ironically the film is about a dude who takes a one-of-a-kind "smart pill". You know ... the kind that prevents a guy from drinking and driving.

To be fair the DUI charges were dropped after Shia's arrest.

Actor Vinnie Jones, whose face was on the receiving end of a beer bottle in a bar fight, became enraged after some dudes in a bar only recognized him from "X-Men: The Last Stand."

Jones was in a Sioux Falls, South Dakota bar Thursday night, when he reportedly tried getting in on a game of pool. According to ArgusLeader.com, one of the guys remarked Jones was "that guy from X-Men." Jones allegedly got bent out of shape because they weren't familiar with his body of work. But Vinnie's face, like his other movies, was gone in sixty seconds, because he allegedly charged one of the guys who then hit him squarely in the face with a beer glass.

Vinnie went to a hospital and was arrested for simple assault. He posted bond yesterday and was released. The glass-wielding dude was arrested for aggravated assault.

Toni Braxton was noticeably absent from the finale of "Dancing with the Stars" -- and it was a brush with cancer that kept her from performing.

TMZ has learned Braxton discovered a lump in her breast before she was set to appear on "DWTS" and was told she had to have it removed immediately. Rather than have the surgery right away, Braxton chose to wait until after she was eliminated from the show. Luckily, it turned out to be benign.

After a long battle in federal court, one of them is being pulled off shelves forever.

We're just sayin'.

No word if she went for a swim in a lambswool bikini or thermal one-piece.

Mark Ruffalo's brother is clinging to life right now after he was shot in the head in Beverly Hills Monday.

Police sources tell TMZ Scott Ruffalo was the victim of a "suspicious shooting" that took place in his own Beverly Hills apartment.

We're also told cops are trying to determine if anything criminal went down -- meaning they haven't ruled out an accidental shooting or a suicide attempt.

Genetic beauties Donatella Versace and her little darling Allegra Beck in Milan on Tuesday.

The 68-year-old debuted his new auburn Clay Aiken gelled frizztastrophe in court on Tuesday.

If ever there was a candidate for change, it's Phil.