The View

On today's edition of the crack-like ABC gabfest, Rosie O'Donnell got Elisabeth Hasselbeck's conservative knickers into a big twist when Ro argued with her usual vehemence against the Patriot Act, concluding by hitting Liz with the ageist remark, "You're very young, and you're very wrong," (E is 30, Ro is 45). This, of course, just wound Elisabeth right up, prompting a strange pointy hand-dance of rage.

Rosie then really stuck it to Elisabeth, suggesting that resorting to ageism is the only way she can bottle her Hulk-like rage to sit at the same table with someone with whom she disagrees "so abhorrently."

"The View's" paragon of prim and proper let her verbal chastity belt slip today, revealing on the morning gabfest that she'd snuck out of the house as a 14-year-old, breaking the family home's electricity meter in the process, and saddling her folks with a crazy-high power bill. Sin Lizzie also admitted that her secret trip was for the express purpose of (gasp!) -- meeting a boy, whom she wouldn't identify.

For those of you who've been wondering how Barbara Walters has been handling the insane slide of "The View" into a bare-knuckles cage match between Rosie and The Donald, New York magazine today offers this glimpse into the chaos:

Viz, "'Barbara has the exterior of a debutante,' her friend Dan Rather notes, 'but the heart of an assassin.' The dilemma confronting Walters: How does an old-school debutante-assassin operate in the crude new world of celebrity thuggery? Trump and O'Donnell are perfectly happy to trade blows and spatter blood, on the theory that WWF warfare is more reliable than subtle maneuvering at the court, and the low road is preferable to losing...

Or as Trump, the Sun Tzu of shamelessness, tells me in his office-shrine on the 26th floor of Trump Tower: 'There are some sound bites you can't beat by taking the high road.' "

As is also revealed in the piece, Rosie may be laughing all the way to the bank -- again:

Rumors are swirling anew that morning TV's biggest girl-group -- Rosie, Elisabeth, Joy and Barbara of "The View" -- are breaking up the band. But TMZ has learned that it's just not true.

According to an In Touch report, the yenta denizens of "The View" might be set to go their separate ways -- O'Donnell to her own show when her contract ends in June, Hasselbeck back to E! network to host a "style" show, and most oddly of all, Behar into the hosting chair currently occupied by former "View" moderator Meredith Vieira on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Vieira is reportedly signed through the 2008 season of "Millionaire." In Touch didn't specify what might happen to den mother Walters.

Rosie O'Donnell and her cohorts on "The View" had their first chance to address the death of Anna Nicole Smith, and while they took pity on Anna Nicole herself, they showed little mercy for Howard K. Stern or the entertainment news shows that paid her for those slurred, difficult-to-watch interviews.

Rosie, for her part, inflamed some viewers by imitating Anna Nicole unfavorably on Thursday's show, which was taped just hours before Anna's death. Today, lamenting the starlet's death, Rosie compared Smith to a Macy's Thanksgiving parade balloon without anyone to hold it back. She charged that Howard K. Stern had an "addiction" problem as well.

Meanwhile, Rosie let fellow comedienne Margaret Cho express her thoughts on Smith's death, posting Cho's own blog posting about the matter on rosie.com. In it, Cho compared Smith to "ripe summer peaches hot from the sun, or rice pudding made from grains boiled for over a day on the stove," and called her "the most beautiful woman I had ever seen."

Maybe the Donald was right about the strife between Rosie and Babwa.

On today's installment of "The View," moderator Ro put Barbara Walters -- her boss, mind you -- firmly in her place. Gabbing about the State of the Union address, O'Donnell called for a member of Congress to put the President up for impeachment, and compared Bush's failures unfavorably to Bill Clinton's.

Mama Walters, not wanting to get into a prolonged debate over Wild Bill's behavior, suggested that they move on to the next topic. Not so fast, said Rosie. "Where do you want me to move on to?" And they did not move on.

Without a Trump or a Paula to take on, the huffing and puffing on today's "View" was supplied by resident right-wing schoolmarm, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

During a discussion on adultery, the easily-flustered Hasselbeck took on parents who cheat on their spouses, saying that their affairs made them bad parents, and shocked her fellow yentas with a rant on men who "follow their penises." (Working something out, are we, darling?) Her rather older, wiser colleagues thought her "View" rather extreme, and essentially told her to take the stick out of her you-know-what.

Rosie O'Donnell went on the offense yet again, this time the target in her "View" was only the biggest phenomenon on TV, "American Idol."

After showing a clip from last night's "Idol" in which Simon, Paula, and Randy mocked a particularly ridiculous wannabe, Ro tore into the show, calling it "so sad" and excoriating the "millionaire" judges for laughing at contestants. And, as she did yesterday, Rosie suggested that one judge (hello, Paula!) was "probably intoxicated." You could almost feel the squirm ooze out of "Idol" sweetheart Kellie Pickler, who was guest-hosting for the day.

If Rosie seems a little cranky, she's had a tough few weeks, by her own admission. As she told guest Juliette Binoche, she's been dealing with "menopause and billionaires."

Babwa put on her bravest face (or someone's) for Katie Couric's big 50th birthday party in New York, and by "bravest," of course, we mean disturbingly drag-queen-esque.

The "View" den mother looks like she spent some time behind scaffolding -- with these tranny-like results.

Madonna has chimed in on the Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell war of words, and has come to the defense of her longtime gal pal.

The Material Mom, who co-starred with O'Donnell in "A League of Their Own," told "Today's" Meredith Vieira, "People are giving Rosie a hard time. I wish they'd stop. I don't think it's fair." Madge revealed she was on vacation when news of the public feud broke, and quickly emailed Rosie to get the real scoop. "I have to hear it from the horse's mouth." Those are her words, not ours!

Madonna believes that since O'Donnell is a standup comic, saying controversial things in monologues is par for the course. "I have a feeling that if every stand-up comic was penalized for saying politically incorrect or provocative things, I think they'd all be hung in the public square." Can you say Michael Richards?

Her Madgesty went on "Today" to plug her new animated film, "Arthur and the Invisibles," which opens Friday.

In a fusion of shameless self-promoters that might explode the media universe into bits, Trump says that fired "View"-er Star Jones gave him a congratulatory call yesterday, presumably for his relentless attacks on Rosie O'Donnell and former boss Barbara Walters. The Donald told the New York Times, "I just got a congratulatory call from Star Jones." At least someone is calling.

In his withering invective against Ro and Babwa, Trump repeatedly referenced the Star saga of summer '06, in which Jones was bitterly fired by Walters, suggesting that Star was somehow mistreated by Walters. Yesterday, in a statement, Trump said that Babs had "lied with Star Jones and now she has chosen to lie again" in l'affaire O'Donnell.

Rosie and Babwa stuck it to The Donald again today, with Babwa calling him a "poor, pathetic man." They showed solidarity with each other and their "View" companions, and Rosie then couldn't resist a little knife-turning of her own.

Rosie opened the show, sneering,"He's at it again," referring to Trump's open letter to Rosie yesterday, in which he recounted a conversation with Walters wherein she supposedly called Rosie a "pig" and essentially gave Rosie her walking papers.

Just after Barbara took her shots at Trump, whom they couldn't bring themselves to call by his name, Ro and Babs reaffirmed (at least on-air) their professional relationship ("We're both OK?" "We're OK"). Then, they engaged in a deeply galvanizing, team-building high five with Joy and Elisabeth, whereupon Ro took one final parting shot at Trump, exclaiming, "His show tanked!" (referring to "The Apprentice's" tepid Sunday debut) and quickly changed the topic.

No word on whether Trump will preempt President Bush's address to the nation this evening to present his response. The Donald did, however, release a statement early this afternoon slamming both of them, yet again.

According to Nielsen Media Research, Trump's "Apprentice" took a serious shellacking in the ratings this week, while Rosie continued to help the yentas on "The View" leave their daytime competition in the dust.

"The Apprentice" finished a distant third in its time slot on Sunday night, light years behind "Desperate Housewives" and "Cold Case," and barely in front of old "Family Guy" reruns on Fox. In fact, Trump's lead-in show, "You're the One That I Want," featuring pathetic Broadway wannabes, scored higher numbers. Ouch!

In contrast, Rosie's been unstoppable ever since she took her first shot at the combed-over real estate magnate. "The View" has been a ratings juggernaut, picking up approximately 77,000 new viewers per week in its metered markets. The latest round of bickering caused nearly twice the surge.

Donald Trump says that Barbara Walters called Rosie O'Donnell a "pig" in a phone conversation and that "she won't be [at "The View"] for long."

Trump sent a letter to Rosie O'Donnell this morning alleging that he and Babwa had a conversation about the Trump-Rosie hostilities while Babwa was on vacation. Trump says that, according to Walters, "working with [Rosie] is like living in hell" and, "Don't worry, she won't be here for long." What's more, Trump says that Walters advised him, "Donald, never get into the mud with pigs."

Donald also tells Rosie that she has "good reason to be angry" at Walters, anger that spilled over in a confrontation yesterday on "The View," prompting two items in New York tabloids this morning. A "View" rep tells TMZ, "Barbara refuses to get dragged into this."

On last night's "Monday Night Raw," the feuding lookalikes exchanged blows. "Rosie" put up a good fight, but "Trump" won the match by body-slamming his plump competitor after stuffing her face with cake, even though she prefers pie. "The Donald's" hair even came to his aid, as he finished off "Rosie" with a vicious hairbutt.

Sigh. If only they'd do it for real!

Rosie wasted no time in her first "View" appearance of 2007 to punch back at Trump, likening the Donald to "Mount Vesuvius" and taking another potshot at the mogul's unfortunate hair. Then, Babwa piled on, asserting that Trump had concocted his assertion that she "hates" Rosie. "Everything he said I said about [Rosie] is totally untrue," said Babwa.

And just when Ro said she would put an end to her Trump-bashing early in the show, she kept on going, and going, and going Energizer-style herself, doing another cranky impression and slyly (and jokingly) insinuating that Trump might have had something to do with the persistent gas smell lingering over Manhattan this morning. (Trump had nothing to say, by the way, during his appearance on "Live with Regis and Kelly" today.)