The Parent Crap

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It's not easy being celebuspawn. Imagine having some of these Hollywood families around your Labor Day pool party. Oh, the horror!

Check out which of LaLaLand's youth might wish the stork had dropped them down a different chimney.

Love looking at Tinseltown royalty in all its faux glory? Then you're in luck! Pop into our "Like Father, Like Son" and "Mothers and Daughters" galleries!

Lawyer to Pam -- Bach You!

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The Hoff's ex has been sued by her former lawyer, who claim she owes him a boatload of fees.

Attorney Gary Mitchell says he represented Pamela Bach in her ongoing divorce war with David Hasselhoff. He claims he repped Bach for six months, but she didn't pay his $39,092.60 bill. Strangely, according to the suit filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Mitchell says his deal with Pam was oral -- no written retainer agreement.

Ironically, just yesterday, Debra Opri, the lawyer Pam fired, won a strange legal battle. A judge ruled that The Hoff was not required to pay Opri's $189,000 legal bill. She repped Bach for a few months, but we're told Pam was so dissatisfied she didn't want anyone -- not even David -- to pay the bill.

The drama continues.

The Furiously Fighting Lohans Divorce Finalized!

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The seemingly interminable divorce battle between Lindsay Lohan's parents Michael and Dina is finally and officially over.

A Long Island judge just minutes ago issued his final judgment in the divorce proceedings between the Lohans, granting Dina the split she wanted. We're told that the judge actually complimented the couple for doing the right thing for the kids, and for working "through the night" to get the final details ironed out. No financial details were disclosed.

No mention was made in court of Lindsay or the other children and Michael's ability to see them, but custody is a very different battlefield -- and one that remains to be fought, next month.

Everybody's Screwed in The Hoff's Divorce

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Divorce is a costly business. David Hasselhoff's lawyers revealed today their client is on the hook for $565,000 in lawyers fees for his ex-wife ... and it ain't over yet.

Get this: Debra Opri -- the lawyer who repped Larry Birkhead -- showed up today and alleged sabotage! Opri was the lawyer for David's ex, Pamela Bach, for just under two months -- before Bach fired her. Opri claims her lawyer's bill has gone unpaid. The bill: $200,000!

Opri claimed the Hoff's lawyer, Mel Goldsman, offered $50,000 to Mark Vincent Kaplan, the lawyer who replaced her, to convince Pamela not to pay Opri's bill. If you're following, Kaplan currently reps Fed-Ex.

And now for our favorite part. Apparently, the Hoff is sick and tired of paying Pam spousal support. So today the Hoff's lawyer asked the judge to order that Pamela to take a vocational exam, to determine if she has any workable skills.

Britney to Baby: Potty Like a Rock Star

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With a nasty custody battle looming, Britney Spears sent a sharp message to K-Fed last night by pulling the mommy trifecta outside a trendy LA restaurant -- she fed the kids, strapped them into car seats, and took them to the bathroom -- all without incident!

Facing a wave of flashbulbs outside Cravings restaurant, Brit first took her tots to the ladies' room for all to see, but chastised the paps for shooting as they

entered the loo. After the bathroom break, Brit then emerged from the eatery with Jayden James and Sean Preston, carefully putting le bebe into a car seat for the world -- via the paps -- to see. An assistant carried the other baby Federline to the car and strapped him in his seat as well, while an approving mama Spears looked on.

By 10:00pm Britney had the kids loaded into her Mercedes and took off for places unknown -- Winston's maybe?

Nicole Richie's Lovely Lady Lumps

While still only four months pregnant, Nicole Richie is wasting no time showing off her girls! It's twins!

After lunching with breastfriend Mischa Barton at Mercer Kitchen in Manhattan, the bee-spectacled mom-con to-be kept her baby bump under wraps -- but showed off her newly developed big apples! I Love NY!

For some reason, Mischa did her damnedest to try and steal some of Nicole's spotlight -- by donning an unfortunate tri-colored mini-apron ensemble. Mamma mia!

Baby Mama To NFL Star: Keep Paris & Brit Away!

TMZ has learned Arizona Cardinal's QB Matt Leinart has settled his custody dispute with Brynn Cameron, but it's still war!

Sources say under the terms of the confidential agreement, the former couple will share joint legal and physical custody. Brynn will have primary custody, but Matt will have substantial contact with his 10-month-old son, Cole. We're told under the temporary agreement, which lasts through football season, Matt will fly to L.A. every Monday and spend 24 hours with Cole. On alternate weekends, Brynn will fly with Cole to Arizona the night before Matt's games -- Matt will spend the evening before the game and the day of with his son.

In the courtroom hallway today, a TMZ staffer heard Brynn say, "Britney and Paris aren't allowed to be around the baby!" We're told that's not part of the custody settlement. As far as we know, Leinart has had no recent contact with either woman, but we do know he sucked face with both of them in the past.

Several people familiar with the former couple say Brynn has been jealous and upset because Matt refused to marry her. Brynn's peeps say that's ridiculous. For her part, Brynn has questioned Matt's commitment to his son. Matt is the one who petitioned for more custody.

Under the settlement, while one parent has the child, the other can't visit Cole uninvited. We're told the first time Matt had the baby overnight, Brynn stayed outside his door the entire evening.

Under the deal, Brynn, a basketball player for USC, can travel with Cole during her season. As for moolah, the temporary order locks the amount of child support she receives at $12,500 a month.

Both Brynn's lawyer, Ron Rale and Matt's attorney, Laura Wasser refused comment.

Paris' New Job -- Spanglish Housemaid?

Two giddy (and, frankly, too grown) female fans approached the front gate of Paris Hilton's Malibu home yesterday hoping to torment meet the hotel heiress. Even stalkers are hotter at the beach!

Bordering on harassment -- but settling on just plain annoying -- the duo proceeded to buzz the intercom repeatedly to ask for Paris. The cunning Miss Hilton tried to disguise her voice as a maid -- with a faux-Spanish accent to boot, like fellow celebuwreck Britney Spears did at a drive-thru yesterday! Que pasa locas!

The plan nearly went off without a hitch -- until one of the fans saw Paris through the gate! Foiled again! Guess this star wasn't blind to these fans!

Applegate and Hubby Officially Dunzo

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"Married With Children" star Christina Applegate has finalized her divorce with that cute guy from the Tom Hanks movie, court papers show today.

According to documents, Applegate gets control of bank accounts totaling $4.3 million, the couple's two homes, a 2006 Mercedes and all interest in Moolah Productions, Inc. -- whatever that is.

That cute guy from the Tom Hanks movie (aka Johnathon Schaech) receives control of bank accounts totaling $1.5 million, a 2001 Mercedes, and a cement Buddha currently in Applegate's possession.

Better be one helluva Buddha.

Britney Bustin' Out!

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What does a gal do when her divorce is final and she's officially back on the market? Why, she dons her best cutoff britches and a boob-bobblin' bra, wraps her weave and goes to Starbucks!

The weave-a-horror, pink flip-flopped, blue-brassiered pop mama was snapped fetchin' coffee in Pasadena, Calif., accompanied by her manny/guard, while her tots waited in the car. They must have lost the recipe for coffee back at Ranchita Popwreck.

She's available, y'all.

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Brit & Fed-Ex -- Over and Out!

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Britney Spears is single again. Just minutes ago, L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon signed her divorce decree. Here she comes, boys!

As TMZ first reported, Laura Wasser, Brit's lawyer, and K-Fed's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, appeared in Court this morning with settlement papers.

Wasser made a motion to keep the custody and child support provisions secret, on grounds that making it public would be harmful to the two kids. Judge Gordon granted that request, pending a hearing on August 14.

Brit's Attorney Speaks

Kim and Ireland's Homecoming

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Kim Basinger and daughter Ireland Baldwin arrived at Los Angeles International Airport yesterday afternoon.

Divorce proceedings for Alec Baldwin and Basinger that had been scheduled for yesterday were postponed -- and have yet to be rescheduled. No word on where Kim and Ireland are returning from or whether or not the postponement was due to their travels.

More prolonged drama for mama!

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"Home Improvement" Star's House -- A Real S**thole

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Once you get past the smell of s**t and piss, and cryptic messages spray-painted everywhere and massive holes smashed into the walls, Taran Noah Smith's former home isn't really that bad ......yeah, right.

TMZ got video of the house today -- the place Smith called home until the bank foreclosed on the property 10 days ago. The 4 bedroom/4 bath house is located in the L.A. suburb of Sherman Oaks. The wreckage inside is breathtaking.

The words "Please view this lesson in finality" were scrawled on one of the walls. Bitter, party of one! The real estate tear-sheet on the house reads, "Absolutely the worst house in a prime location," offered for a cool $1.149 mil!

Smith recently divorced his wife, who is sixteen years his senior. Smith's lawyer told TMZ he doesn't think his client did all the damage, adding, "You can thank his golddigging ex-wife for the debacle he's in."

Judge to Hoff's Ex: Surrender or Else!

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It just keeps getting worse for The Hoff's ex.

Moments ago, a Los Angeles County Superior Court judge ordered the former Mrs. David Hasselhoff to turn herself in to authorities in relation to a misdemeanor hit and run charge.

According to the judge, Pamela Bach was not booked properly when the original charge was filed in January, and as a result, she has one week to surrender. Bach, who appeared in court with a new lawyer, told TMZ, "I have tried to resolve the situation ... you see, now they want to get me booked." Problem is, if she doesn't comply with the judge's order, he could issue a bench warrant for her arrest.

Bach added, "Her attorney was basically treating me worse than the average citizen. They have done the extreme. I have bent over backwards to settle this." Get Paris on the phone, STAT!

Police were called in January, after Bach allegedly smashed into another vehicle in North Hollywood and fled the scene. Someone who caught Bach's license plate then reported the incident to local cops.

Bach claims that the whole thing is a giant misunderstanding and told TMZ that she has a message for the owner of the other car: "If I have done anything inconvenient to hurt your car, which I know I haven't, give me a body shop estimate or something."

Handle your business!

Michael, Meet L-I-N-D-S-A-Y Your Daughter!!

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The nominees for Father of the Year are in -- and Michael Lohan's name is not on the list.

Battling with his ex-wife, Dina, over visitation rights, Papa Lohan issued a press release this week in which he spelled Lindsay's name wrong. You'd think he'd have screwed up the name of one of their non-famous kids.

"I look forward to order being restored to the chaos that our family life has become," the release reads, according to FishbowlNY. "Lyndsay, Michael, Ali and Cody need stability and both of their parents in their lives. I am anxious to spend time with them and end this cruel, needless separation."

Never misspell the hand that feeds you.

Hoff to Ryan: She Ran Her Mouth, But I Got Custody!

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This morning David Hasselhoff told KIIS-FM's "On Air with Ryan Seacrest" that winning full custody of his two daughters was a "bittersweet victory." By bittersweet, he means fantastic!

Obviously satisfied with last week's courtroom victory, Hoff's voice became stern and pointed when the subject of the infamous burger video came up, saying, "When the tape came out, that wasn't supposed to come out ... and that's when this thing happened, that's when I said 'nobody plays that card.'" Hoff never directly blamed his ex-wife Pamela Bach as the person who leaked the tape.

Hoff also sounded off about what it was like watching his ex make the rounds on TV, telling Seacrest, "It was quite easy" to bite his tongue as she told the world about their lives. Hoff thanked Ryan and his "Idol" co-star Simon Cowell for "coming to his rescue" during those times.

Hoff ended the interview by taking a thinly veiled parting shot at his ex, telling Seacrest that despite everything she said on all of the shows, "It turns out ... who gets custody?!" Ouch.

On a sad note, Hoff revealed that he's currently in New York working on a new album.

Hoff's Ex Gets Dinner and Movie, But Just Barely

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TMZ has learned what went down with David Hasselhoff and ex-wife Pamela Bach Hasselhoff in court yesterday.

Hasselhoff won primary physical custody and sole legal custody of the former couple's two daughters. Sources day Pamela will have the kids from Friday to Sunday every other weekend. She could also have dinner with the kids Wednesday night, but that's it.

We're told the judge indicated he might be willing to change the ruling to a fifty-fifty split, but only if Bach attends anger management classes for a year and submits to drug and alcohol testing.

Sources tell TMZ a special master (a psychologist) appointed by the court interviewed the family extensively and determined that Pamela was abusive to her kids and refused to submit to drug and alcohol testing. The Hoff has voluntarily agreed to submit to alcohol testing.

So, the Hoff turned one of the messiest burger meals ever into a major courtroom victory.

Cops Called Again in Hasselhoff Saga

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Sources tell TMZ that the anger between David Hasselhoff and his ex has boiled over again -- and the cops came a callin'.

It happened Monday, before David and Pamela went to court. The facts are very much in dispute. A source connected with Pamela tells TMZ that Hasselhoff went to his ex's Encino home to bring a pair of shoes to daughter Hayley. The source says David became "abusive" and Pamela called 911. The source says Hasselhoff left, and the police arrived and took a report.

But a source connected with David tells a radically different tale. The source says Haley asked David to come over to transfer her clothes from her mom's house to her dad's. David was gathering the garments and refused to engage Pamela in conversation. The source says Pamela became enraged and started shouting, and David got in the car and left. The source says Pamela was yelling at him in the driveway as he drove away.

An LAPD source confirmed to TMZ that police responded to a 911 call and a report was taken.

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Tom Arnold Divorce -- Back On (For Realsies)

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Tom Arnold is officially pulling the plug on his third marriage -- again.

TMZ obtained divorce papers filed yesterday in Los Angeles County Superior Court, in which Arnold blames his split with political consultant Shelby Roos on irreconcilable differences.

The couple, who married in 2002, split briefly in August 2006 after Arnold filed a petition for legal separation. Six months later, Tom asked a judge to dismiss that request while the couple attempted to work things out.

The couple has no children. This will be Arnold's third divorce.

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