It's the kinda house 99.999% of the world will never see ... let alone OWN -- but TMZ has learned, Ellen DeGeneres and her wife Portia de Rossi just purchased this $26.5 million mansion in Santa Barbara.

The deal went through last week, and words can't do justice to how insane this house is -- it's 10,522 square feet ... located in Montecito, which has some of the most beautiful vistas in Cali.  It's got 6 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms ... and it sits on 13 ACRES.

Oh yeah, it's also got NINE fireplaces ... and even the pool's got an ocean view.

And if that weren't crazy enough, it's just the latest house Ellen has added to her arsenal -- she also owns several other properties in the Los Angeles area, including homes in Beverly Hills and Hidden Valley.

Annnnnnd now we feel poor. Thanks, Ellen.

Just how over the top were Kim Kardashian's music-box baby shower invitations? Really, really, really over the top -- and TMZ has the first photo proof.

The invite to Kim K's June 2nd bash -- sent to a guest close to Kanye West -- arrived as a fully functional music box, complete with a spinning ballerina ... dancing to a lullaby version of Kanye's "Hey Mama."

Not only is the invite playing the baby daddy's tune, but the ballerina bears a striking resemblance to Kim herself -- just in case anyone forgets who this party is REALLY celebrating.

According to the invites, Kris Jenner, Shelli Azoff (wife of uber-manager Irving Azoff), Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian are hosting the party. Recommended attire ... garden chic. We think that's rich people speak for casual.

Now here's the "Hey Mama" lullaby -- listen and pretend like you were invited.

"Arrested Development" star Justin Wade -- who plays Steve Holt on the show (STEVE HOLT!!!) -- couldn't be more excited for the big premiere on Netflix this weekend ... telling TMZ, he's planning to throw a massive rager to commemorate the big day.

Wade tells us, the festivities will kick off Sunday afternoon at his L.A. apartment -- and he's already invited more than 25 friends to come over and get crazy.

The episodes are going live at midnight on Saturday (12:01am PST Sunday) -- after AD's 7-year hiatus -- but Wade says he and his friends plan to warm things up by re-watching some old favorites ... i.e. the episodes Wade stars in.

Oh yeah, Wade says he's also invited former AD castmate Justin Lee, who played Annyong.

Sounds like fun. Thanks Steve Holt!

(STEVE HOLT!!!)

Chris Brown has yet another legal problem to deal with, after crashing his car in Los Angeles near Toluca Lake.

The accident happened an hour or so ago ... The photog tells us Chris was driving his Range Rover with his GF du jour Karrueche Tran, when he rear-ended a Mercedes.
 
Chris parked in front of the Mercedes and then exchanged info with the Mercedes chick.  The photog says damage to her car was "medium" ... as opposed to rare.

Unlike the whole Rihanna thing, cops didn't come for this smashup.

Every single penny from Heavy D's estate will go to the late rapper's 13-year-old daughter ... this according to Heavy's mom.

We broke the story ... Heavy's brother Floyd has filed court docs seeking control of Heavy's estate -- via an old will that earmarks nothing for D's 13-year-old daughter, parents or other siblings.

But Heavy's mom Eulahlee Myers tells TMZ ... the entire family SUPPORTS Floyd ... because they believe he will protect Heavy's fortune for his daughter -- until she's an adult.

"Heavy’s Estate needs to be managed," Myers tells us ... adding, "It cannot be self-managed or self-administered and it has to be Court approved. Open bills, unfinished business, taxes and day-to-day decisions including future plans for his daughter all need to be done. This management needs someone who is capable, smart, honest and close to this family."

"The family all wanted Floyd as that person to represent Dwight’s estate."

Myers explains, "All of Heavy’s assets are going to his 13-year-old Daughter Xea -- including his Social Security, Pension, and future Royalties. All of Heavy’s personal belongings are in storage for his Daughter until she gets a bit older."

She adds, "The Myers family is a close-knit family and always will be. Just the way Heavy liked it."

HD died in November 2011 from a pulmonary embolism. He was 44.

Former WWE diva Tamara Sytch is FREE from a Connecticut prison after a four-month stint for REPEATEDLY violating her ex-boyfriend’s restraining order ... and her stay included a cancer diagnosis and hysterectomy.

Tammy, who managed and wrestled under the name "Sunny" back in the day, was arrested 6 TIMES in just over 4 months beginning last September -- including 3 times in 3 days -- all relating to the same dude. Charges included disorderly conduct, assault, 3rd degree burglary ... and violating the BF's TRO at just about every step.

She was most recently popped in January ... and sentenced to 114 days in prison ... which she's now served in full.


Tammy told us she contracted HPV before going into prison ... and found out while doing time that it had developed into cervical cancer. She says she underwent a hysterectomy at an area hospital a couple of weeks ago ... and is now cancer-free.

She says she also used her time to write an autobiography ... and plans to make a fresh start in New Mexico.

Tammy will be on conditional discharge for the next two years … provided she doesn’t show up where she’s not welcome.

Stu: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan: Coffee Bean.

Zach Galifianakis pulled a similar Alan move in real life -- replace "baby" with "homeless lady" -- and you've got his date to the "Hangover 3" premiere ... who TMZ spoke to right before the big event!

Our photog spotted 87-year-old Elizabeth "Mimi" Haist on Monday in L.A. -- the woman Zach rescued from homelessness two years ago.

The story goes ... Zach became friends with Mimi at Fox Coin Laundry in Santa Monica back in 1994 -- where she would help people fold their clothes ... for tips.

When he found out she'd become homeless a few years ago, he decided to help out ... setting her up in a one bedroom apartment and paying her rent. 

Zach also began taking Mimi as his date to his movie premieres -- and walked the red carpet with her at "Hangover 2," "The Campaign" ... and now "Hangover 3."

And how does Mimi feel about Zach? Check out the video ... it's adorable.

If you're eating right now ... you should probably finish ... because Jesse James just posted a photo on the Internet that will obliterate your appetite. 

It should be self-explanatory -- but if you're too squeamish to click, Jesse cut off the tip of his right pinky. Right under the nail. It's real gnarly, so click at your own risk.

He posted the photo on his Instagram, along with the caption, "Doesn't look like this little dude's gonna make it, Nice know'n you little buddy."

As for what happened -- Jesse called in to TMZ Live moments ago, explaining he was working a machine at his shop in Texas ... and had a little accident (no kidding).

He wasn't too concerned though ... he called on his way to surgery sounding like it was just another Tuesday. Pretty badass.

Ashley Tisdale says her obsessed stalker has threatened to SHOOT her and her BF ... and she fears he's crazy enough to go through with it, this according to court docs obtained by TMZ.

Tisdale was just granted a temporary restraining order against Nicholas Fiore -- the fan who allegedly hammered Tisdale with more than 18,000 tweets since 2012.

In her request for the order, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Tisdale says Fiore is delusional and dangerous -- and has already shown up to her L.A. home on two occasions.

In fact, Tisdale says Fiore once attempted to gain access to her home by pretending to be a delivery man.

But the most frightening part ... Tisdale claims Fiore has been tweeting song lyrics at her that reference guns -- which she is interpreting as threats he'll shoot her and her BF.

In the docs, Ashley begs the court to force Fiore to stay at least 5,000 yards away from her at all times -- fearing, "If an immediate order is not granted ... [Fiore] will attempt to cause or cause severe bodily harm to myself and my boyfriend."

Just last week, the judge approved the temporary restraining order ... but it only requires Fiore to stay 100 yards away ... 4,900 yards shy of Ashley's request.

A hearing on the matter is set for June 5th.

"The Doors" co-founder Ray Manzarek traveled across the world to seek out special world class treatment for his rare form of cancer ... which is why he was in Germany when he died, TMZ has learned.

Sources close to Ray's most recent band -- The Manzarek-Rogers Band -- tell us, Ray did tons of research on the best places to get treatment for his bile duct cancer ... and his search led him to the RoMed Clinic in Rosenheim, Germany.

As we reported, Ray eventually passed away at RoMed yesterday.

According to sources, Ray broke news of his cancer to the band in March ... and traveled to Germany shortly after.

Up until Ray told his band about the cancer, we're told they had no idea he was sick. Ray had repeatedly just told them he was "tired," so the news was a shock.

Manzarek's next appearance was scheduled for August at the Orange County Fair ... but that's obviously been canceled.

This. Is. HILARIOUS ... the squarest hotel security guy ever called 911 on Chief Keef yesterday to report that the rapper and some of his black friends were "rolling marijuana" inside their hotel room, and TMZ has the audio.

The call was made from a concerned security guard at the Le Meridien Atlanta Perimeter Hotel in Georgia who happened to stumble upon a bunch of nice hotel guests who happened to be partaking in some dope smoking.

During the call, the security guy alerts the 911 operator to "a bunch of gentlemen rolling marijuana and smoking ... all in the room ... the room's filled with smoke."

The security guard seems astonished ... because, "I announced myself as 'security' and they let me in the room AS IF IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER!"

The guy also warns 911 to send cops to the scene ASAP because he feared "those guys may just bolt." 

He clearly doesn't understand stoners ... they're not really known for "bolting" anywhere.

Eventually, cops arrived to the room and arrested 17-year-old Chief Keef for the weed ... all thanks to the heroic actions of one really square hotel security guard.

One last thing ... did he really need to call 911? Or couldn't he just have asked the guy to stop smoking? Hmmmmm.

  

Candy Spelling ain't no condo squatter ... She just scored a big legal victory against her landlord, who claimed Candy was living in her building illegally and wanted to give her the boot.

TMZ broke the story ... Candy's been living in a $28,000-a-month condo at the famous Carlyle building in L.A. while the finishing touches are being put on her $47 million penthouse.  Seems the work is taking longer than expected.

The landlord sued Candy in February, claiming she refused to hightail it out of her unit ... even though the lease had expired.

But Candy fired back, insisting she had the right to extend her lease for six months ... so that's exactly what she did. The judge agreed, and ruled in Candy's favor.

Candy's lawyer Michael Saltz tells TMZ, her next step will be to force the landlord to pay her extremely large legal bill.