"Baywatch: The Retirement Years" would be an awesome show ... because TMZ has learned, 60-year-old David Hasselhoff just bought himself a brand new mansion for $1.95 million.

Sources close to the deal tell us, Hoff purchased the 5,767-sq.-ft. Mediterranean home in Calabasas last week.

The 5-bedroom, 6-bathroom house sits in a small gated community ... and it's even got its own basketball court.

Perfect timing for Hoff -- he just sold his bigger house in Encino, which he listed last November for $3.795 million.

It's thick, round, wrapped in stripes ... and a total mystery. But just as TMZ's investigative team attempted to put a name to those sweet, sweet cheeks -- someone in the newsroom cracked it wide open. The mystery, that is.

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Charlie Sheen has decided he's WAYYY too Caucasian to star in the new "Machete" movie -- so he's channeling his Latino roots and changing his name back to Carlos Estevez ... at least for now.

TMZ obtained a screengrab from the upcoming flick ... which shows Sheen will use his birth name in the new Robert Rodriguez joint. It's the first time in his professional career he won't be billed as Charlie Sheen.

It makes sense ... Rodriguez films often celebrate Latino pride (think "El Mariachi," "Desperado," "Machete") so Sheen is just getting into the spirit of the campy thriller about a rampaging Mexican assassin.

A little history ... Charlie Sheen’s dad Martin Sheen was born Ramón Antonio Gerardo Estevez, from his Spanish father's side. He made up "Martin Sheen" to get acting jobs but never changed it legally ... passing "Estevez" to all 4 kids.

Martin has said he regrets not sticking with his real name ... so this TOTALLY counts as a son-redeems-the-father story, right?

Sad ...

  

Jose Canseco's ex-GF tells TMZ ... she believes J.C. is COMPLETELY INNOCENT ... and claims the woman accusing the former MLB star of rape is nothing more than a lying publicity whore.

We spoke to Leila Knight -- who dated Canseco for more than 4 years -- and she tells us she's spoken with Canseco at length about the sexual assault accusations that have been made against him in Las Vegas.

"I've been talking to him all day ... it's obvious that it's a publicity stunt, I mean -- the girl's an aspiring actress," Knight says.

Knight also says Canseco is a "gentle person" who always tells the truth -- "If anything, he's too honest."

For his part, Canseco has denied any wrongdoing ... despite the fact he's named as a suspect in a sexual assault investigation stemming from an alleged incident on May 10.

An internationally-known MMA fighter ... claims a gel that is supposed to enhance sexual performance has ruined his ... claiming he now has a bum penis that can't ejaculate.

Waylon Lowe claims in a new lawsuit ... he bought a tube of Kama Sutra Pleasure Balm Prolonging Gel at a Philly sex shop -- which is supposed to desensitize the penis and enhance stamina.  He lathered the gel on his junk and then covered it with a Trojan Magnum latex condom and began having sex with his fiancee.

The sex didn't last long, because their baby started acting up in the next room.  While the fiancee tended to their daughter, Lowe claims he began experiencing excruciating pain in the penis.  He removed the condom and says he was horrified to see a significantly swelled penis.

Lowe says he ended up in the ER and has suffered "catastrophic and permanent damage" to his penis.  Among his many beefs:

-- permanent scarring and disfigurement
-- permanent loss of sensation
-- permanent loss of functioning
-- permanent nerve damage
-- loss of life's pleasures
-- inability to ejaculate

Lowe is suing for a minimum of $50k ... we're guessing he wants a lot more.

Lowe strongly insinuates in the lawsuit ... the damage was caused by placing the condom over the gel, despite the fact that the label gives users the green light to wrap it.

The Kama Sutra Company tells us the lawsuit is BS, claiming the product has worked safely without incident for 40 years.

Besides having tons of money, a ridiculously rich husband and a sick Malibu mansion, "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" star Yolanda Foster also has a model child.

Yolanda supervised as her gorgeous 17-year-old professional catwalking daughter Gigi Hadid rocked a bikini and a pair of Roman gladiator sandals on a photo shoot in L.A. on Wednesday.

Fun fact: Yolanda is currently married to music mogul David Foster, but Gigi is her daughter with ex-husband Mohamed Hadid ... the celeb real estate contractor who just settled a huge lawsuit with Sylvester Stallone over alleged shoddy home renovations.

Foxy Brown is FURIOUS over reports she trashed Jay-Z ... telling TMZ she NEVER referred to Hova as a gonorrhea-infected "tranny chaser" ... and now she's threatening to sue.

Brown is referencing reports which say Foxy recently went to a baby shower and started dishing about Jay-Z's sex life to one of the guests -- saying he secretly engages in gay sex ... and that she lost her virginity to him when she was 15 and he was 27.

There's more ... including allegations of a robbery, sex tape and STDs.

But Foxy says the report is complete BS, telling TMZ ... "The atrociousness of this story sickened me to my stomach. Any and everyone involved will be contacted by my attorney."

Foxy says, "In all my years in the music industry, these are the most disgusting and disrespectful allegations I've ever experienced. This fictitious story ... with NO audio, visual or written interview, clearly was concocted with malicious intent."

"Jay has only been wonderful to me and my family, a great friend throughout all the years I've known him and we had nothing but great success as a team."

She continues, "Beyonce, his wife, has always been gracious and sweet to me ... I will NOT let any undercover hater create discord and disrespect my name and reputation."

"This disrespect will NOT be tolerated."

Evelyn Lozada has a message for Chad Johnson ... wait, no she doesn't ... 'cause she doesn't ever wanna speak two words to her ex-husband ever again.

The "Basketball Wives" star had just arrived at LAX yesterday when we asked if she had spoken with Chad since Monday's arrest ... stemming from the time he attacked her last year.

But Evelyn -- who immediately divorced Chad after the incident -- told TMZ ... she doesn't want anything to do with the ex-NFL star ever again.

No relationship. No communication. No nothing.

She DOES say she wishes him the best. Sure she does.

Eva Longoria had an interesting Wednesday night ... she GRADUATED from a master's program at Cal State University Northridge ... and TMZ has the video!

First off ... this was NO honorary degree -- 38-year-old Eva quietly busted her ass for the past 3 years (taking classes IN PERSON) to earn a master's degree in Chicano and Chicana Studies from CSUN.

A rep for Longoria tells us ... Eva began the program while she was still working on "Desperate Housewives" and found time to complete her schoolwork on the set.

We're told Eva's thesis was titled, "Success STEMS From Diversity: The Value of Latinas in STEM Careers." FYI -- STEM stands for science, technology, engineering and math.

After the ceremony, Eva celebrated like any other student -- she went out to dinner with her parents!


She also tweeted about the graduation yesterday -- writing, "Big day today!!! Very excited to graduate for my Master's degree in Chicano Studies! You're never too old or too busy to continue your education!"

Has anyone ever told you ... "Hey, you look just like Ryan Gosling?"

We didn't think so... but if you do think you are the spitting image of a famous face -- you're in luck!

Simply Email in your doppelganger image for our Celebrity Look-Alike Contest -- Stolen Identities and your carbon copy picture could score you the $250 prize and some great gifts from TMZ!

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