Jon & Kate

TLC's lawyers have asked the court for permission to serve Kate with a subpoena, ordering her to testify along with other witnesses -- including Michael Lohan and Hailey Glassman -- in depositions scheduled for December 10.

Kate reportedly quit her job at Star Magazine to pursue a relationship with Jon. Last we checked, the Octopop denied ever having a relationship with her.

When Michael Lohan returns home from his trip to Boston this weekend, he'll have a present waiting for him -- courtesy of the lawyers at TLC.

Lohan tells TMZ he has been subpoenaed to testify in TLC's breach of contract lawsuit against Jon Gosselin. Lohan says he was contacted by a process server on Friday. He says he told the process server he was out of town, but that he accepts the papers and that she can leave them at his house.

Michael says he hasn't seen the papers yet.

TLC is suing Gosselin, claiming he broke his deal with TLC when he began taking money to appear on other shows and talking about "Jon & Kate" without proper permission.

In the most entertaining handwritten court papers you'll ever read, Jonathan Lee Riches -- who has filed many lawsuits against celebs in the past -- wants custody of the Gosselin kids, the Suleman kids, John Edwards' love child, all the kids on "ABC's 'All My Children'" and Bristol Palin's child "which Bristol kidnapped from Linda Tripp."

In the awesome papers, filed in Illinois, Riches claims he met Kate "at a Harrisburg Long John Silvers over octopuss" -- and when Kate went to a fertility clinic in 2002, his "sperm was added to the mix."

More awesome lines included in the papers:

-- "TLC stands for Torturing Little Children."

-- "Jon Gosselin is really a woman on steroids."

-- "I sued Black History Month."

TMZ has learned Gosselin is flying to Hawaii this weekend to attend the wedding of Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino.

Is there such a thing as strike four?

The 32-year-old father of eight blocked out Kate's nagging long enough to meditate while practicing yoga in L.A. on Friday.

Jon's favorite pose: downward facing d-bag.

When one of her 5-year-olds rebelled with a few insubordinate dance moves, Kate was heard snapping "This is the kind of stuff you cannot be doing when you are five years old. Stand quietly ... Stop your feet and don't move them."

As an extra threat, Kate added "If I wasn't here you'd still be standing in the parking lot waiting."

Good times....

Kate Gosselin was speeding in her SUV with the kids on board last Thursday, according to a Pennsylvania trooper who spoke with TMZ.

We're told she was going 15 miles over the posted speed limit ... we're told she was going about 70 MPH.

Gosselin was cited and already paid the $109.50 fine.

We got Jon and Rabbi Shmuley -- Michael Jackson's former "spiritual advisor" -- heading into New York City's West Side Jewish Center last night, where they held a public dialogue in an attempt to make Jon look like less of a scumbag.

Inside, Jon reportedly apologized to Kate -- who wasn't there -- for "openly having relationships in the public eye" after their split, adding "if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off."

It's like Yom Kippur all over again ... .

Jon Gosselin is not going to hook up with Octomom for a TV special, because his "spiritual advisors" had a bad feeling about the project. Who knew we were spiritual advisors?

We got a statement that Jon's "talent" agent sent to the producers of "Jon - Kate = Jon + Octomom" saying, "While Jon appreciates the consideration and the potential revenues that it offers, after reviewing with both the management team and his spiritual advisors Jon has decided it is not in his best interest to pursue a show of this nature."

The "Dear Jon" letter continues, "... it is important to Jon to focus on his family and repairing the relationship that Jon and Kate need to have, both for themselves and for the sake of their children."

That's Jon Gosselin for you -- always doing the Lord's work.

Thankfully, there are no plans for "Jon & Kate Plus The Hills" to go into production.

TMZ obtained a copy of the pitch for "Jon - Kate = Jon + Octomom" which reads: "Mohammed and the Mountain started a religion. Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris started a Yankee dynasty. Lennon and McCartney started a music revolution. Now Jon and Octomom start a whole new reality in the world of Reality TV."

The pitch claims the show's so revolutionary it will rival "American Idol" in the ratings, but "there will be no rival in the shocking nature of this pairing."

As for Israel and Palestine? The producers think the show might give hope to the two warring nations -- which makes sense, because the enemy of your enemy is always your friend.

During last night's "Jon & Kate Plus 8" special, Kate announced her ambition to take over Hollywood -- but just in case that lofty dream doesn't pay off, she said there's already money put aside for the kids' college funds ... and nobody (i.e. Jon) can use it for anything else.

On the bright side: The mother of 8 also said she doesn't plan on getting married again soon.

According to Jon's lawyer, Kate is "like the old lady who lived in a shoe" ... but really lives in a glass house or something.

Good luck following the logic.

Kate Gosselin's lawyer just released a statement regarding the judge's decision this morning to force Jon to hand over the cash he ripped out of the couple's joint bank account a few weeks ago:

"We are clearly pleased that the monies taken by Mr. Gosselin have been returned to the marital account, and we look forward to recouping additional monies taken by Mr. Gosselin at the time of the parties' private arbitration hearings.

A total of at least $235,000 was taken by Mr. Gosselin, and despite his initial comments denying responsibility, we have established that Ms. Gosselin needed emergency relief to prevent her economic claims from being compromised."

Jon still maintains Kate has not accounted for $33,000 she spent from the same account. Kate Gosselin was a no-show at court.

All sides are due back in court again next month.