Two and a Half Men

Charlie Sheen wasted no time attacking his former show during the premiere of "Anger Management" last night ... taking some not-so-veiled shots at "Two and a Half Men" during the opening scene.

The very first scene of "Management" opens on a tight shot of Charlie (playing a character named Charlie) while he's on an angry rant ... saying, "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT!! You want to replace me with some other guy? Go ahead! It won't be the same!"

He adds, "You think I'm losing! I'm not! I'm ... anyway, you get the idea."

When the camera pulls out, it reveals Charlie is only taking out his anger on an inflatable punching bag named BoBo ... while teaching his group therapy class about an anger management technique.

Not very subtle ...

It's the decision we all saw coming ... "Two and a Half Men" has been greenlit for a 10th season.

The show's current stars -- Ashton Kutcher, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones -- are all getting raises, says The Hollywood Reporter ... with Kutcher's salary hitting between $700k to $725k per episode.

Despite Charlie Sheen's very public firing, the show still wrangles in 15 million viewers each week ... making it the No. 3 primetime comedy on TV.

Ashton Kutcher is no Charlie Sheen ... and he never will be ... at least that's the message an L.A. TV network is trying to convey in a new marketing campaign.

KTLA in Los Angeles has plastered billboards all over town promoting the syndicated run of "Men." The billboards feature Charlie's face next to the words, "The Original" ... and if it seems like it's a shot at Kutcher ... that's because it is.

A mole at the station tells us ... the marketing people are playing off the premise that "Men" was simply better with Charlie. They believe fans miss him ... and will be more into the reruns because Charlie "was the show."

Can't argue with facts.

If casting Kathy Bates as Charlie Harper's ghost on "Two and a Half Men" was supposed to be an insult, it failed miserably -- because Charlie Sheen is telling friends ... he's "honored" Bates will be playing his old character.

In case you didn't know -- Charlie Harper is scheduled to make a cameo on "Men" on April 30th, and exec producer Chuck Lorre thought it would be funny to cast Kathy Bates instead of Charlie Sheen.

But the jab backfired ... because sources close to Charlie tell TMZ, the Warlock LOVES Kathy. We're told Charlie thinks she's an incredibly funny, talented actress -- and is "honored" the two now share a connection.

According to sources, Charlie can't wait to see Kathy's portrayal -- and will definitely be watching the upcoming episode.

Charlie Sheen tells TMZ he feels REALLLLY bad for saying Ashton Kutcher "sucks" as the new lead on "Two and a Half Men" ... and now he's issuing an official apology to the actor.

It all started on "TMZ Live" last week ... when Sheen called in and told us, "I'm tired of lying ... I'm tired of pretending the show doesn't suck ... I'm tired of pretending Ashton doesn't suck."

But Sheen has since had a change of heart and drafted a letter to Kutcher ...which reads:

"Dear Ashton,

My bad.

I was disrespectful to a man doing his best.

I got excited and I threw you into the crossfire, but the rest of my statement I stand behind. You however, deserve better.

Safety in your travels good sir.

CS"

So, we gotta ask ...

And now a torpedo of truth from Charlie Sheen -- "I'm tired of pretending Ashton doesn't suck."

Sheen called in to TMZ Live today ... when he finally spoke his mind about the guy who took over the starring role on his old show, "Two and a Half Men."

Sheen had been politically correct towards Kutcher ever since AK took over ... but after Warner Bros. legally threatened Charlie for using a "Men" photo to promote his new show, "Anger Management" ... it was no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Sheen told us, "I'm tired of lying ... I'm tired of pretending the show doesn't suck ... I'm tired of pretending Ashton doesn't suck."

Charlie added, "It's nothing personal ... I just feel bad for him ... he's saddled with such bad writing."

It wasn't enough to kill Charlie Sheen off in "Two and a Half Men" -- last night, creator Chuck Lorre took a personal shot at the Warlock on the show ... mocking Sheen's famous "winning" catchphrase.

During the episode, Jon Cryer's character was impersonating Charlie Harper -- pretending to order scotch and hookers ... before uttering Sheen's favorite word, "WINNING."

Charlie Sheen still enjoys taking jabs at his old show -- posting this photo from the set of his new movie, with the caption ... "(this is at least TWO AND A HALF times more fun than my last gig..!)"

Ashton Kutcher "came along and saved" the cast of "Two and a Half Men" ... this according to one of the stars of the show.

Conchata Ferrell -- who plays the straight-talkin' housekeeper -- was out in L.A. yesterday, when a photog asked about what life is like on "Men" in the post-Charlie Sheen era.

"Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre seems to be pretty pissed off about Charlie Sheen's plan to pen a tell-all book ... and last night, Lorre once again used a "Vanity Card" to rip the Warlock.

The Vanity Card -- a slate written by Lorre -- appeared on screen at the end of "Men" ... which now features Sheen's replacement Ashton Kutcher in the lead role.

Lorre never mentions Sheen by name -- but it's pretty clear he's talking about his former sitcom star when he wrote, "Sometime last year I realized I had become the unwilling contestant in a reality show. I didn't understand the rules, wasn't sure if there even were any, and pretty much hated every second of it."

He added, "Somewhere along the way, something inside me died. Anyway, now, suddenly, I'm being told that the reality show's been cancelled."

"There's just one problem. That thing inside me that died? It walks at night. It's angry. It's hungry. And worst of all ... it's writing a tell-all book."

It's now official ... Charlie Sheen and Warner Bros. have settled their bitter "Two & a Half Men" dispute.

A rep for WB released a statement claiming, "Warner Bros. Television, Chuck Lorre, and Charlie Sheen have resolved their dispute to the parties’ mutual satisfaction."

As TMZ reported ... Charlie will get $25 million almost immediately, mostly for work he already performed and profits he has already earned. And, as sources told us, Charlie will get around $100 million in profits from syndication of the show over the next 7 years.

Warner Bros. and Charlie have agreed to dismiss their mutual lawsuit against each other.

We love happy endings.

Seriously ... how could he resist?

If you were wondering whether Charlie Sheen was watching "Two and a Half Men" last night.... the answer is, hell yeah!

And Charlie not only watched, we're told he loved it!

Sheen is telling close friends ... watching his own funeral on TV was "eerie but fun."

Charlie loved Ashton Kutcher, saying "I thought it was the best intro for a new a character on a TV show of all time." He particularly enjoyed the fact that Ashton "was revealed through the dusty exploded smoke of my remains."

And if you think Charlie has been playing nice because it's all part of his settlement agreement ... we know that's not the case. Warner Bros. is not demanding favorable reviews from Charlie in return for his $125 million.

That kind of money tends to make you gracious.

Chuck Lorre, the creator of "Two and a Half Men," made damn sure Charlie Sheen was never coming back ... because as TMZ first reported, Charlie Harper was nothing more than exploding meat when the script was put to bed.

Charlie Sheen will immediately get $25 million in his settlement with Warner Bros. in his "Two and a Half Men" dispute -- but over time he'll get 5 times that amount ... TMZ has learned.

Sources connected with the settlement tell TMZ ... Charlie will get the $25 mil in about two weeks and, as we reported, the sum represents the monies owed him for the work he already performed on the series and the profits that have already accrued.

But Charlie has shot around 180 episodes for the show, and in the next 7 - 10 years, the settlement will produce $100 million for the actor in syndication profits.

Charlie Sheen is days away from settling his mega-dispute with Warner Bros. over "Two and a Half Men," but sources connected with the negotiation tell us ... Charlie is not getting what he wants.

Our sources say Charlie will NOT get paid for future episodes -- that's something his legal team insisted he was entitled to based on his deal with Warner Bros.

As for what Charlie will get ... we're told it's around $25 million, but most of that is money that he's already owed for episodes that he shot and profits from the show that have already accrued. When Charlie got fired from the show, the suits at Warner Bros. stopped paying him -- this settlement is essentially making all the money matters current.

Charlie will still get syndication money in the future for the shows in which he appeared, so the gravy train is still rolling down the track.