Real Housewives

Fish and chips ... Crumpets ... Russell Brand ... hating the Irish -- these are things British people LOVE. Oral sex, however, does not belong on that list ... so says authentic British person Lisa Vanderpump.

In related news ... Lisa shot back at a report someone ate box at her restaurant -- cardboard box that is.

LV says the allegation that a patron found cardboard in a Villa Blanca salad is ridiculous ... but says even if it were true, the patron should be GRATEFUL ... 'cause cardboard is high in fiber.

Polish supermodel Joanna Krupa wants to show the entire world the two perky reasons why everyone should be watching "Real Housewives of Miami."

With the heat in Florida just too much for her beautiful supple skin to bear, the 34-year-old former not hooker "Dancing with the Stars" contestant set her gorgeous gals free and sunbathed topless on Friday.

But Joanna and the twins were not alone, as her lucky ass fiancé Romain supervised the entire accidentally on purpose -- but amazing -- photo op.

Ex-NFL star Kordell Stewart says his estranged wife's dire financial problems are her own fault -- claiming she's an entitled brat who's terrible with money and there's no way in hell he's coughing up a dime to get her a new house.

TMZ broke the story ... "Real Housewives of ATL" star Porsha Williams filed docs in her nasty divorce with KS claiming he locked her out of their marital home, has refused to find her a new pad, and she's been forced to shack up with her mom. She asked a judged to force Kordell to help her out.

Now, Kordell is firing back in legal docs, claiming Porsha's attempt to victimize herself as "locked out" is a sick ploy to "make herself more marketable in the media" and couldn't be further from the truth.

Here's Kordell's version of what happened:

KS says he texted Porsha, telling her he was changing the locks DAYS before he pulled the trigger. He claimed it was for security purposes and added, "If and when you need to get in give me a heads up."

He says he even told his lawyer to get a list from Porsha of everything she needed to gain access to the marital home and he'd be happy to cover it. He added that she could get her belongings whenever she needed.

Kordell also argues that Porsha is a celebrity who makes a ton of cash, but due to her own "financial negligence" finds herself strapped ... and living with her mother.

To make his point, Kordell claims Porsha uses her money for "grooming and clothing items" -- rather than paying her bills -- which he claims is why she had her condo foreclosed and failed to pay her taxes.

Besides having tons of money, a ridiculously rich husband and a sick Malibu mansion, "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" star Yolanda Foster also has a model child.

Yolanda supervised as her gorgeous 17-year-old professional catwalking daughter Gigi Hadid rocked a bikini and a pair of Roman gladiator sandals on a photo shoot in L.A. on Wednesday.

Fun fact: Yolanda is currently married to music mogul David Foster, but Gigi is her daughter with ex-husband Mohamed Hadid ... the celeb real estate contractor who just settled a huge lawsuit with Sylvester Stallone over alleged shoddy home renovations.

Kordell Stewart REAALLLY doesn't wanna see his estranged wife Porsha Williams anymore ... 'cause the ex-NFL star just changed the locks on the family home to keep her out ... this according to Porsha.

The "Real Housewives of ATL" star just filed new docs in her divorce war with Kordell ... and it appears the nasty split just got even NASTIER.

According to the docs, filed in family court in Georgia and obtained by TMZ, Porsha claims Kordell has locked her out of their residence on multiple occasions ... and she had to have her lawyer beg Kordell's people for a key.

Sources close to the situation tell us Kordell isn't playing ball -- and hasn't forked over a key.

But there's more ... according to the docs, Porsha tried to work things out with Kordell in a mediation session, but she claims he blew the whole thing off ... and called it a "waste of everyone's time."

Porsha wants a judge to force Kordell to either allow her to use the house ... or pay her enough cash so she can get a "suitable alternative residence."

Sources tell us Porsha is currently living with her mom in ATL -- guess she feels it's just not a "suitable residence" for a grown woman.

Lisa Vanderpump's hubby Ken escaped the long arm of the law this week -- when he was pulled over by a cop in West Hollywood ... for something that probably WASN'T EVEN HIS FAULT!!!

Here's the deal -- sources tell us an eagle-eyed cop spotted Ken's fancy Bentley cruising down Santa Monica Blvd. at nighttime WITHOUT his headlights on.

But here's the rub ... we're told Ken had just picked up Lisa from their restaurant SUR ... and we're guessing that's where things went wrong.

WHY? Because he probably left the car with the valet ... and sometimes valets TURN OFF YOUR HEADLIGHTS (even if they're set to automatic) ... and it drives us frickin' CRAZY!!!!

Anywho ... Ken didn't get in trouble for the headlight issue, the cop let him drive off without a ticket.

We can't confirm the valet thing either ... but c'mon, you KNOW it's happened to you.

'90s TV actress Carlton Gebbia has high hopes for her upcoming stint on "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" ... telling friends she hopes to ditch the TV cat fights and empower women instead. Goooood luck.

Sources tell us ... Carlton, who guest starred on shows like "The Young and the Restless" and "Suddenly Susan" back in the day, is definitely joining the cast for season 4. Bravo has yet to confirm it, but our sources tell us it's happening.

Plus, we got Carlton out in L.A. recently and she all but said, "Yes, I'm on the show." Instead she talked about what she WOULD do IF she were on it. Yeah.

The addition should be interesting ... our sources tell us, Carlton's made it clear -- she's "sick of the silly s**t women do" on "Real Housewives" and wants to portray her sex as beautiful, strong and powerful, i.e., no table flipping.

"Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" honchos are still on the hunt for fresh "RHOBH" meat, and Casey Kasem's wife tells TMZ ... she's in talks with Bravo to be that meat.

The Real Housewives of NYC have banded together against the Bravo Network -- REFUSING to continue on the show unless they ALL get huge raises, TMZ has learned.

Sources tell us ... LuAnn de Lesseps, Carole Radziwill, Aviva Drescher, Ramona Singer, Sonja Morgan and Heather Thomson were recently approached by Bravo individually with contract offers to appear on Season 6, which is supposed to begin production on Monday.

But the women were each unhappy with the offers ... and figured they would have more leverage against the network if they teamed up ... just like the cast of "Friends" did back in the day.

We're told the women approached Bravo as a group and made their demand clear -- FAT RAISES FOR ALL ... OR WE QUIT.

Here's where it gets interesting -- sources tell us the network is FURIOUS ... and has told the group they have until Friday (tomorrow) to sign the offers that are currently on the table, or they're all FIRED.

Translation -- IT'S A STANDOFF!!!!!

One thing to consider -- Season 5 of "NYC Housewives" was one of the lowest rated seasons in the show's run.

Porsha Williams says her divorce from former NFL star Kordell Stewart is ABSOLUTELY NOT a publicity stunt or a contrived plotline for "Real Housewives" ... but she wishes it was.

After TMZ broke the story that Kordell pulled the plug on the marriage back in March ... several media outlets called B.S. on the split, claiming it was a cheap P.R. stunt concocted in the hopes they would stay on the show for another season.

But Porsha's rep tells us ... the notion of a phony divorce is "absolutely ridiculous" ... explaining, "Given everything this abrupt divorce filing has put her through in the public, [Porsha] would never bring something like this on herself, especially with them having a child in the house."

The rep adds, "[Porsha] wishes things could have been different [with Kordell] but that simply is not possible.”

We also spoke with Porsha's attorney, Randy Kessler, who says the two sides are trying to keep the split amicable and are working on reaching a separation agreement as quickly as possible.

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Kenya Moore WILL be returning for season 6 of the reality show ... on one condition -- the money better be damn good.

Sources close to the show tell TMZ, she's currently finalizing talks with Bravo to come back next season ... but her paycheck has become a sticking point in contract negotiations.

We're told the issue is expected to be settled very soon ... and her return is pretty much a done deal.

We shot Kenya at the airport Monday -- but when we asked about whether she'd be returning, she played coy.

Bethenny Frankel has settled up with Jason Hoppy on getting divorced -- TMZ has learned ... but there are still many loose ends.

Sources connected with the case tell TMZ ... both Bethenny and Jason have filed legal docs saying they have agreed to get a divorce based on the "irretrievable breakdown" of the marriage.

But there are a number of unresolved issues ... although they signed a prenup in 2010, we've learned the division of property is still being negotiated. Ditto on child custody, child support and spousal support.

The judge set a deadline for Bethenny and Jason to agree on a parenting plan -- May 24th.

One other thing ... They're still haggling over a computer that Jason wants Bethenny to return.

Don't they know they can buy one at Best Buy for less than $500?

Here's former "Real Housewives of NYC" star Bethenny Frankel in Manhattan on Thursday (left) -- and late King of Pop Michael Jackson back in 1993 (right).

She's a PYT.

Bethenny Frankel can definitely stomach a messy divorce.

While in the middle of a contentious breakup from her estranged husband Jason Hoppy, the 42-year-old former "Real Housewives of NYC" star showed off her fit rockin' bod in a blue bikini while vacationing in Miami with her daughter Bryn.

Skinnygirl for life.

A "Real Housewives of New Jersey" star could be downgraded from "housewife" to just plain old "wife" ... because a bank is trying to FORECLOSE on her mansion.

Jacqueline Laurita is being sued by Hudson City Savings Bank. The bank claims Jacqueline took out a $1.6 million mortgage back in 2007 on a 5,600-square-foot pad, but in Feb. 2012 failed to cough up the $10,175 monthly mortgage payment.

Big mistake ... according to the deal ... if Jacqueline misses ONE payment the bank can demand the entire balance -- which it did.

The bank is now asking a judge for permission to foreclose on the home.

It's not Jacqueline's only financial woe -- the State of NJ says she still owes over $340,000 in unpaid taxes.

Former "Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Kim Zolciak has filed legal docs claiming her nemesis in the song world has viciously attacked her ... as a shameless publicity ploy to promote her show.

Kim just filed legal docs ... asking a judge to toss a lawsuit against her filed by Kandi Burruss ... who also appears on RHOA. Kandi -- who was a member of the group Xscape and wrote TLC's "No Scrubs" -- alleges Kim hoarded profits from a song they co-wrote, "Tardy for the Party," which aired on the show in 2009.

Kim claims in the docs that even Kandi doesn't believe what she's alleging, and it's all just a publicity stunt to get attention for her new show, "The Kandi Factory."

Kim says Kandi has been amply paid for her musical contribution ... and was actually overpaid to the tune of $6,000.