The Kardashians

Unless the Concorde was taken out of mothballs last night, there's no way Kris Humphries is going to appear for a MANDATORY settlement conference with Kim Kardashian today ... TMZ has learned.

Sources connected with Kris tell us ... he was in NYC at 1 AM today, and looked "extremely upset." As we reported, he's supposed to be in an L.A. court today for a settlement conference and his attendance is required.

The first flight out of JFK today is at 6:00 AM ET, arriving at 9:15 AM PT. Here's the problem. The settlement conference is set for 8:30 AM PT. Even if the flight is on time, he'd be at least 2 hours late.

We checked with JFK to see if flights were cancelled because of weather last night -- maybe Kris could use mother nature as his excuse. But the airport was operating, so it looks like he's screwed.

The judge is going to be REALLY pissed off.

Meanwhile, Kim K is punctual as ever ... she just rolled up to the courthouse.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are scheduled to come face-to-face today for the first time since their split.

The former lovebirds are required to appear at a settlement conference at the downtown L.A. courthouse this AM. The drill is ... try and hash out a resolution to avoid a trial.

But here's the deal ... Mandatory settlement conferences are routine, but this case has as much a chance of settling as Farrah Abraham has getting admitted to a nunnery.

Sources tell us ... Kris is shockingly still demanding $7 mil to go away, even though he says all he wants is an annulment. We're told Kim not only is unwilling to give him a penny ... she's now demanding that he pay her attorney's fees.

This case is destined for trial.

Kendall Jenner is less than a year from the most coveted treasure in Hollywood -- and her predicted rise to power happens to coincide with her 18th birthday. Strange how that works, eh?

Here's "New Girl" star Hannah Simone at an event in Beverly Hills on Tuesday (left) -- and Kim Kardashian back in 2008 (right).

They're both bangin'.

Kim Kardashian gets almost as many headlines as that other Kim -- so, we're thinking Kim Jong Un should just get knocked up by a rapper. Beats launching World War III ... just sayin'.

Kim Kardashian just filed her divorce witness list ... and it's now clear as can be -- Kim's lawyer is calling a bunch of witnesses who were involved in the prenup to show Kris knew EXACTLY what he was getting into before saying "I do."

As you know, Kris is claiming he was defrauded into marrying Kim ... left in the dark about her true intentions. But now we know 6 witnesses will testify that Kris was actively involved in every detail surrounding the prenup.

In fact, sources connected with the couple tell us ... Kim and Kris were constantly bickering over details in the prenup and that he was as interested in the business of marriage as she was.

Among the witnesses ... 2 managers who were heavily involved in the prenup, at least one lawyer involved in the document and a court reporter who was present when the prenup was signed.

There are other witnesses who will testify about the prenup, including Kim and Kris Jenner.

Short story -- the mission of Kim's lawyer is clear -- Kris went into this eyes wide open.

Stop what you're doing ... put down the Cheetos ... and listen to the magic that is Ray J as he sings about banging Kim Kardashian ... 'cause TMZ has the first clip.

Ladies and gentleman ... we give you 30 seconds of "I Hit It First." You're welcome.

Now that you've listened -- and let's be honest it's pretty catchy -- remember why we've gathered here today ... so Ray J can remind Kanye West he's getting nothing but sloppy seconds​.

Kim Kardashian's NOT a food-shoveling, 200-pound, fatso -- and Kim is telling friends the proof isn't in the pudding ... it's in the yogurt.

We're told Kim went to the doctor last week for a checkup, and she weighed in at 151 lbs ... way less that the 200 lbs the tabloids claim.

And there's even less. We're told she's gained a grand total of 23 pounds from the time Kanye West impregnated her.

Although there's an epic headline from one of the tabs -- "I Can't Stop Eating!" -- we're told a lot of this is just plain made up. Por ejemplo ... "In Touch" ran a cover pic showing Kim shoving ice cream in her mouth. Fact is ... the pic was taken in Monaco in 2009, when she was relatively tiny.

And our Monegasque (Google it) spies tell us ... the cone is not topped with the fat stuff ... it's dairy free, sugar free yogurt with fresh strawberries. Sounds disgusting.

The transgender woman who says Khloe Kardashian beat her up outside a Hollywood club needs her head examined ... according to a judge.

TMZ broke the story, Chantal Spears -- also known as Ronald Spears -- sued Khloe, claiming KK viciously struck her outside Playhouse nightclub. Chantal says she suffered serious damage to both her body and mind.

Khloe says Chantal is making it all up. So she asked a judge to order a full mental evaluation of Chantal/Ronald -- and a judge granted the request.

Crazy, huh?

Perhaps as a proverbial, pudgy middle finger to the tabloids who have mocked her pregnancy weight gain, Kim Kardashian put her baby bump on full display on Instagram today.

Ray J wants Kanye West to know ... when it comes to Kim Kardashian, Kanye's getting sloppy seconds ... because he hit it first.

As you know, Ray J famously had his way with Kim in the epic sex tape, "Kim K Superstar."

TMZ has obtained some of the hysterical lyrics to Ray J's new song, "I Hit It First," which will be released next week ... and they're awesome!

She might move on to rappers and ballplayers
But we all know I hit it first.

I had her head going North and her ass going South
But now baby chose to go West

No matter where she goes or who she knows
She still belongs in my bed.

We're told Ray J is making a music video featuring a Kim look-alike -- pre-pregnancy, we presume.

Kim Kardashian won't let anything get between her and a delicious plate of Mexican food -- just ask the cops who were called in to help her satisfy a pregnancy craving ... safely.

The Kardashian kids are suing their dad's widow, claiming she's been illegally selling portions of a diary they inherited.

Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and Rob Jr. are suing Ellen Pearson -- who was married to Robert Kardashian -- claiming Robert had a diary that contained very personal details about the klan and has been selling tidbits to tabloids.

The deceased Kardashian -- famous for repping OJ Simpson -- allegedly left the diary to his kids in his will.

Among the info that Ellen allegedly sold -- Kris allegedly hit Kourtney and Kim and also threatened to kill Kim ... and Rob was locked in a car while Kris was out on a date.

The lawsuit alleges the diary is owned lock, stock and barrel by the Kardashian kids and Ellen is infringing on their copyright.

The lawsuit demands the return of the diary and family albums, as well as damages.

Interesting fact: Robert did NOT include ex-wife Kris in the diary inheritance -- just their kids. But Kris is listed as a plaintiff. It's curious -- Kris is NOT suing Ellen for defamation, for putting the brutality allegations out there. So the questions -- did Robert Kardashian make the allegations against his ex, and are they true?

Kim Kardashian was faced with a choice the likes of which haven't been faced since Sophie -- papas or paparazzi.

Kim joined her sisters for what was supposed to be a delicious lunch at Casa Vega in the Valley Thursday ... but the pesky pappers were blocking her entrance and wouldn't follow instructions to "MAKE A HOLE!"

As the smells of the fried burritos and chimichangas wafted to her waiting SUV, Kim made the hardest decision since agreeing to let Ray J really have his way ... She left.

Kim Kardashian is a 200 lb monster who's shoveling down so much junk food ... she got dumped by Kanye West -- according to some ridiculously creative magazines, anyway.

See, pregnancy can be entertaining! Unless you're Kim.

Former college basketball star Ryan Pearson credits his entire career to Lamar Odom ... claiming L.O. rescued him from the streets when his family was poor and gave him a chance to be successful in life.

Pearson -- who was an Associated Press All America honorable mention during his stint at George Mason -- is now playing pro basketball overseas ... and believes it's only possible because of Odom's charitable support.

We spoke with Ryan's mother, Leslie Pearson, who tells us Ryan first met Lamar at a basketball event when he was 11 years old ... when Pearson's family was struggling financially.

Pearson says Lamar saw potential in him ... and knew he needed help ... so L.O. put him on a "life scholarship" and paid for Ryan to play on a traveling team, so he could develop his game and become visible to college programs.

Leslie says Lamar "paid for everything ... including team travel, team registration fees, buses, and meals. He also funded entire basketball tournaments around New York."

Leslie believes at least some of the funding came from Odom's Cathy's Kids charity.

We're told Lamar also paid for Ryan to attend a private high school so he could get a top-notch education and elite basketball coaching.

Odom's plan worked -- because Ryan was recruited by some of the top basketball programs in the country and eventually selected GMU -- where he majored in sports management.

As for the reports that Lamar is a scam artist who ran a shady charity operation, Pearson says there's no way that's possible ... because Lamar is a "saint" who only ever wanted to help people.