Back Hoff My Ass!

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David Hasselhoff let us know how to say "Merry Christmas" in German -- but when he was done with our questions, all he had to do was turn around and have his embroidered booty tell us to "Back Hoff."

MC Joaquin Phoenix Butchers Rap Music

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Joaquin Phoenix decided to spit rhymes into a mic the other night at a bar in Culver City, Calif. -- which caused everyone who heard him to spit up in their mouths.

The guy just quit acting to become a rock star ... and if this freestyle disaster is any clue as to how his music career will go, let's just say it's DOA.

JC Don't Discount Me Out

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One of the guys from 'NSYNC who isn't Justin or Lance claims the only reason he was at a super-discounted outlet tent in Hollywood yesterday was to "take his friend there."

Rrrrright.

Food Network Chef Bites Hand That Feeds

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Guy Fieri needs a crash course in spokesmanship -- because when a company like Friday's pays you buckets of cash to pimp for their restaurant, you're supposed to say you LIKE their food!!!!

Fired Cheerleader: I Did 'Not See' the Swastika

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The ex-New England Patriots cheerleader kicked off the squad for her role in a penis-happy, swastika infested photo scandal is finally talking -- and she's blaming the whole thing on bad judgment .... a really bad Halloween costume.

In a statement to TMZ, 18-year-old Caitlin Davis refuses to take responsibility for the offensive images drawn on a drunk guy who passed out at a party, because, "The kid in the picture was a 'drunk guy who passed out and was written on,' as his costume for the night."

It all went down in a dorm at Boston College. Caitlin claims, "Me and my girls left the dorm and went to another house and came back to the kid passed out on the futon we were suppose to sleep on. The guys ended up drawing more on him due to the fact that he was the first one to pass out on Halloween night ... At the time I had jumped in the picture with the kid, I didn't realize what had been drawn on him, which I take responsibility for not being alert."

She adds, "Me and my girlfirends [sic] took pictures with him because we found it humorous how badly he was drawn on."

More proof the Patriots are falling apart without Tom Brady.

Patriots Cheerleader Fired Over Penis Scandal

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The New England Patriots are none too fond of cheerleaders who draw penises, swastikas and anti-Semitic slurs on drunk people.

18-year-old Caitlin Davis got the boot from the football team's cheerleading squad, the Boston Herald is reporting, after several inappropriate and downright offensive pictures featuring Davis cheifing* a drunk person were found on her Facebook page. Doesn't anyone set those things to private anymore!?

FYI -- Davis recently dressed up as an angel for the team's Halloween celebration.

*cheif -- to write, mark, shave, sud or otherwise vandalize an individual who is comatose due to over consumption of alcohol.

Billy Ray to Miley: Open Wide, Here Comes Dessert

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There's something a little creepy about a 15-year-old girl getting spoon fed by her dad.

Billy Ray Cyrus, his 15-year-old moneymaker and her 20-year-old boyfriend/underwear model had a three-way date at a milkshake parlor in West Hollywood last night. So we ask....

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Curb Your Candy

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While out for a walk on Saturday, well-groomed millionaire widow Candy Spelling relieved her tired paw on a fire hydrant.

Candy is only nine years old in dog years.

Obama Waffles Leave Racist Taste in Mouth

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In a so called "political satire," makers of a waffle mix showcasing Barack Obama have many calling it a racial stereotype that goes waaay too far.

The offensive material includes such gems as Obama wearing an Arab-like headdress on the top flap of the box, while the back of the box depicts Barack in stereotypical Mexican dress. The recipe includes a tip: "While waiting for these zesty treats to invade your home, why not learn a foreign language?"

The men who created the controversial Obama Waffles sold their lack of genius for $10 a box during the Values Voter Summit in Washington, D.C. this week. Organizers have since cut off sales, saying they had not realized the boxes displayed "offensive material."

The Obama campaign declined to comment.

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Donnie Wahlberg

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Old Shtick on der Block -- still not funny.

The New Middle Aged Kids on the Block tried their best to be witty and funny and entertaining in Germany yesterday. They failed.

Hillary's Hair Missing -- Beyonce Suspect

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So this is why Solange doesn't want to be associated with her.

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Different Spanish Team -- Same Racism

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Not to be outdone by the Spanish national Olympic basketball team, the Spanish women's tennis team pulled the same offensive pose that's apparently sweeping their nation. Ay dios mio!

This racy pic was taken during preparation for their Federation Cup match against China back in April.

The photo still remains on the team's website with the attached caption: "Estamos preparados para China", which translates to, "We are prepared for China." Yeah, preparing for the backlash!

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No Hair Is Better Than That Hair!

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Sometimes less is more -- especially when it comes to follicularly-challenged celebrities. See why being bald like Britney can be a good thing.

1995 to Fergie: I Want My Brow Piercing Back!

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Enough already, girl. That shizz is tired!

Rupert Everett: An Army of Dumb

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Why can't egocentric actors just learn to shut their mouths?

English idiot Rupert Everett just bashed British soldiers by saying, "They are always whining about the dangers of being killed. Oh my God, they are such whimps now!"

Unfortunately, he continued on. "The whole point of being the Army is wanting to get killed, wanting to test yourself to the limits," he told the Telegraph. "Now you have to fly 15,000 ft. above the war zone to avoid getting hit. I don't think there is any point in having wars if that's how you're going to behave. It's pathetic. All this whining!"

Because it's real tough being an actor.

UPDATE: Everett must have realized how dumb he sounded, because he has since apologized for his remarks.

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